dreamin'
I had the best dream this morning. It was an astonishing combination of all the areas of my current life. I know only very dull people talk about their dreams, and generally the dream is only interesting to the person who had them, but I mainly write this journal for myself so here goes. And I loved hearing Skye's dream about kittens being present during surgery that may or may not have been fake (he was a secret agent trying to uncover a rogue body of Chinese surgeons or sommat).
I was away somewhere working on a BBC shoot with someone I hadn't met before - so like several jobs I've done with the beeb recently. We were in some hotel and I had some spare time so I was just kinda wandering around the hotel, and I bumped into a guy I had apparently been dating. He kinda looked like a combination between Jody and bizarrely Jamie Silk, an guy I drunkenly slept with a bout a year ago. He was hosting a R4 show (I had this dream during a morning snooze with the radio on...Evan Davis was drifting into my ear as I slept). And was naked for some reason. And very tall. I went to return to my hotel room with him, but wanted this other guy short skinny guy I had been eying up in the lobby to come with us and join in, but it obv didn't work out because I was then back at my room alone. this is the bit I remember most clearly. And my favourite bit. The lady - my colleague - was lying face down on the bed. I turned her over and she wasn't actually my colleague, but a man dressed in her clothes with lots of make up and a wig on. This is clearly where my job as a text jockey, chatting to TVs all day and reacting enthusiastically to their pictures, comes in. I said "who are you" and she said her name and looked at me incredulously and I suddenly felt I had just merely not recognised my colleague and felt all flustered. She then ran to the door and pinned herself against the wall next to the door, so as to hide behind the door when it opened. She gestured me to hide also, and reluctantly did under an orange blanket in the corner. I suddenly felt very scared, thinking this must be real. When the door opened and men with handguns came in I felt terrified. The woman stepped very calmly out and faced them rather stoically. They shot her. But rather didn't. I didn't hear a sound, not even the quit hiss of a silenced weapon. I felt I was in some kind of act, but didn't quite know my role. but instead of running away or asking questions I decided to play along. They discovered me in my corner and a guy raised a machine gun and "fired" I played at being shot, like the guys do in action movies. One of the bad guys sighed n rubbed his head then gestured to me. i went over and he gave me a piece of paper which said I wasn't meant to react in such a dumb way. I had meant to act like the other lady. They were making a movie or something, some arthouse fair, and i hadn't even known what was going on. I wasn't cool enough and i hadn't got it. All very embarrassing. This last scene is then a mix of crossdressing, Vertigo (her suit was the one Madeline wears in Vertigo, and the identity confusion issue is obviously related to this movie - and I sleep beneath a poster for the movie!!), Alias (a TV show I'm bloody loving right now) and ongoing insecurity issues. ah the human mind!
I'm back in hospital now doing my third out of four periods of this clinical trail I'm doing. I miraculously skipped the second period...someone got sick so they canceled it whilst they figured out the dosage, yet I still got paid! I enjoyed a few days off! I had been working so hard, chopping between the beeb, text jockeying, the cinema and flyering. I've been doing quite a few text jockey shifts this past week which sometimes I enjoy because of the sheer weirdness of it all, and sometimes find quite soul destroying. I've devloped quite a crush on a colleague which feels nice. Its not a desperately painful love, or an intense lust we just get on and have this little moments of electricity that excite me. I almost kissed him on saturday at Pride, but am glad I didn't. Not because it wouldn't have been reciprocated (drunken flirty texts later revealed we had both wanted to make a move) but because it somehow feels nicer to remain in this sparky flirty place. Things with Jody got a little too boyfriendy and I got worried I was causing him worry because he seemed super into me, but I'm not really able to be the kinda guy he deserves right now, being so busy in thes eweeks running up to my travels. so last night I semi broke up with him...he is really emotionally intelligent and intuitive, so much more than me. So much more grown up. We agreed to keeps seeing each other, but approach it all in a different way. I hope I don't hurt him. Its been wonderful seeing this guy who is sincere and kind and loving, traits that I feel i have maybe undervalued in the past, and neglect cultivating them in myself. i feel the best people in life are the ones who make you wanna be a better person yourself. I did enjoy trashy old school David visiting on Saturday night though...getting trashed at an inappropriate time (the night before I had to rise at 7am the next day to do charity work) chatting to lots of people and hooking up with a super cute guy, then waking up, feeling like shit, naked with said guy, confused and headachey, some 4 hours after I had meant to be somewhere entirely different. I need to find a balance! I need these fun party times, hot sex, meeting lots of people but also I need genuine affection, deeper emotional attachments, books and films and theatre and creativity and cerebral stimulation, great times with wonderful inspiring funny and kind friends, good food, exercise and fresh air. Oh and some kind of meaningful career. Its rather a lot to squeeze in. I hope I figure out how to do that one day.
I was away somewhere working on a BBC shoot with someone I hadn't met before - so like several jobs I've done with the beeb recently. We were in some hotel and I had some spare time so I was just kinda wandering around the hotel, and I bumped into a guy I had apparently been dating. He kinda looked like a combination between Jody and bizarrely Jamie Silk, an guy I drunkenly slept with a bout a year ago. He was hosting a R4 show (I had this dream during a morning snooze with the radio on...Evan Davis was drifting into my ear as I slept). And was naked for some reason. And very tall. I went to return to my hotel room with him, but wanted this other guy short skinny guy I had been eying up in the lobby to come with us and join in, but it obv didn't work out because I was then back at my room alone. this is the bit I remember most clearly. And my favourite bit. The lady - my colleague - was lying face down on the bed. I turned her over and she wasn't actually my colleague, but a man dressed in her clothes with lots of make up and a wig on. This is clearly where my job as a text jockey, chatting to TVs all day and reacting enthusiastically to their pictures, comes in. I said "who are you" and she said her name and looked at me incredulously and I suddenly felt I had just merely not recognised my colleague and felt all flustered. She then ran to the door and pinned herself against the wall next to the door, so as to hide behind the door when it opened. She gestured me to hide also, and reluctantly did under an orange blanket in the corner. I suddenly felt very scared, thinking this must be real. When the door opened and men with handguns came in I felt terrified. The woman stepped very calmly out and faced them rather stoically. They shot her. But rather didn't. I didn't hear a sound, not even the quit hiss of a silenced weapon. I felt I was in some kind of act, but didn't quite know my role. but instead of running away or asking questions I decided to play along. They discovered me in my corner and a guy raised a machine gun and "fired" I played at being shot, like the guys do in action movies. One of the bad guys sighed n rubbed his head then gestured to me. i went over and he gave me a piece of paper which said I wasn't meant to react in such a dumb way. I had meant to act like the other lady. They were making a movie or something, some arthouse fair, and i hadn't even known what was going on. I wasn't cool enough and i hadn't got it. All very embarrassing. This last scene is then a mix of crossdressing, Vertigo (her suit was the one Madeline wears in Vertigo, and the identity confusion issue is obviously related to this movie - and I sleep beneath a poster for the movie!!), Alias (a TV show I'm bloody loving right now) and ongoing insecurity issues. ah the human mind!
I'm back in hospital now doing my third out of four periods of this clinical trail I'm doing. I miraculously skipped the second period...someone got sick so they canceled it whilst they figured out the dosage, yet I still got paid! I enjoyed a few days off! I had been working so hard, chopping between the beeb, text jockeying, the cinema and flyering. I've been doing quite a few text jockey shifts this past week which sometimes I enjoy because of the sheer weirdness of it all, and sometimes find quite soul destroying. I've devloped quite a crush on a colleague which feels nice. Its not a desperately painful love, or an intense lust we just get on and have this little moments of electricity that excite me. I almost kissed him on saturday at Pride, but am glad I didn't. Not because it wouldn't have been reciprocated (drunken flirty texts later revealed we had both wanted to make a move) but because it somehow feels nicer to remain in this sparky flirty place. Things with Jody got a little too boyfriendy and I got worried I was causing him worry because he seemed super into me, but I'm not really able to be the kinda guy he deserves right now, being so busy in thes eweeks running up to my travels. so last night I semi broke up with him...he is really emotionally intelligent and intuitive, so much more than me. So much more grown up. We agreed to keeps seeing each other, but approach it all in a different way. I hope I don't hurt him. Its been wonderful seeing this guy who is sincere and kind and loving, traits that I feel i have maybe undervalued in the past, and neglect cultivating them in myself. i feel the best people in life are the ones who make you wanna be a better person yourself. I did enjoy trashy old school David visiting on Saturday night though...getting trashed at an inappropriate time (the night before I had to rise at 7am the next day to do charity work) chatting to lots of people and hooking up with a super cute guy, then waking up, feeling like shit, naked with said guy, confused and headachey, some 4 hours after I had meant to be somewhere entirely different. I need to find a balance! I need these fun party times, hot sex, meeting lots of people but also I need genuine affection, deeper emotional attachments, books and films and theatre and creativity and cerebral stimulation, great times with wonderful inspiring funny and kind friends, good food, exercise and fresh air. Oh and some kind of meaningful career. Its rather a lot to squeeze in. I hope I figure out how to do that one day.