March
I keep trying to write an entry but the amount of events, feelings and ideas I want to put in writing just keeps getting bigger and the longer I leave it, the more intimidated I feel about writing an entry! I must click post rather than save draft when I get shooed away from this computer.
Charlie came to visit which was wonderful. He reminds me about lots of important things, things I tend to put on the back burner as pleasant additions to life, things I have as side dishes when they should be the main courses. Going to Amsterdam with him was a big ol' adventure of pot, canals, sleeping on benches in the rain and boys. I'm in love with a club called De Trut there. The whole place is pretty cool actually. Surprisingly beautiful and generally very friendly.
Been working at the LLGFF the last few days, and will be here for the next week or so. Its been so lovely. Made me realise how good a job can be. I wish I could work here down at BFI Southbank. I have my eye on a few cute film makers.... There is this one boy, an Italian, who is soooo cute. Even his little rat tail which should be gross, I find kind of endearing. Agh I love European boys. And when they are cute European gay boys who are into queer cinema, and kind of Eurotrashy looking, so much the better. I'm working in the delegate centre by day, then sneaking into screenings and crashing parties/the green room by night, and will be sad when its all over. Esp cos I won't be having daily conversations with Brian Robinson, the head programmer - he is this older guy who wears funny suits and tells me great stuff about being a hot young gay in the 60s in London, having grown up in a strict Northern Irish family. I think he is maybe smitten with me, and hopefully I can be his protege.
I made out with my crush! A guy who works at the BFI in the education dept, who I met at the Christmas party and have been trying to corner since. Doesn't usually take that long! I think he thinks I'm some stupid little boy, and that he feels sorry for me or something? He's super tall and kind of handsome and rather strapping (or maybe just a bit stocky?) but also kind of annoying, badly dressed, and a tad arrogant. But I've been giggly and silly around him ever since we met. I finally found the courage to turn flirtation into action, and he gave me the most amazing movie-style romantic kiss in the corridor in the offices at 1am a few nights ago. Its been a good while since a kiss felt like that. Like I wanted to giggle afterwards. These feelings are so strange and misleading...there must be some kind of equation that explains these feelings - to do with a combination of unattainability, power relations and workplace inpropriety.
The sun is starting to come out and I feel so wonderful about my life. Ugh that sounds nauseating. But its true! Its payback time for years of teenage misery. And January and February this year were pretty dark, and its great there's sunshine as the year progresses. Literal and metaphorical sunshine. You know its coming logically, but in those dark days you begin to lose hope. Oh I haven't even written about my trip to Scotland or my birthday! They were fun too!
So March was awesome, and the following months seem pretty cool, going on what plans have been made. Solomon arrives soon, and we are going on a trip to Stockholm. I'm psyched about seeing her! She only planned it recently, and I can hardly believe she'll be here so soon! Whilst she is still here I start a month-long internship at the BBC in documentary production, which should be super interesting and great for me career wise. I hope I like working in docs as much as I hope I will. I start an MA in September. Who knows what will fill the Summer months but I feel very hopeful - a mix of interesting work, travel, medical testing and reading for school. I actually only found out I got onto the MA in European Thought (yeah I know bullshit sounding title but it looks amazing) yesterday and it was sucha relief. I'm learning to enjoy spontaneity and to trust in good things happening, but it feels great to have something concrete set down. I can't wait to be a student again!
Charlie came to visit which was wonderful. He reminds me about lots of important things, things I tend to put on the back burner as pleasant additions to life, things I have as side dishes when they should be the main courses. Going to Amsterdam with him was a big ol' adventure of pot, canals, sleeping on benches in the rain and boys. I'm in love with a club called De Trut there. The whole place is pretty cool actually. Surprisingly beautiful and generally very friendly.
Been working at the LLGFF the last few days, and will be here for the next week or so. Its been so lovely. Made me realise how good a job can be. I wish I could work here down at BFI Southbank. I have my eye on a few cute film makers.... There is this one boy, an Italian, who is soooo cute. Even his little rat tail which should be gross, I find kind of endearing. Agh I love European boys. And when they are cute European gay boys who are into queer cinema, and kind of Eurotrashy looking, so much the better. I'm working in the delegate centre by day, then sneaking into screenings and crashing parties/the green room by night, and will be sad when its all over. Esp cos I won't be having daily conversations with Brian Robinson, the head programmer - he is this older guy who wears funny suits and tells me great stuff about being a hot young gay in the 60s in London, having grown up in a strict Northern Irish family. I think he is maybe smitten with me, and hopefully I can be his protege.
I made out with my crush! A guy who works at the BFI in the education dept, who I met at the Christmas party and have been trying to corner since. Doesn't usually take that long! I think he thinks I'm some stupid little boy, and that he feels sorry for me or something? He's super tall and kind of handsome and rather strapping (or maybe just a bit stocky?) but also kind of annoying, badly dressed, and a tad arrogant. But I've been giggly and silly around him ever since we met. I finally found the courage to turn flirtation into action, and he gave me the most amazing movie-style romantic kiss in the corridor in the offices at 1am a few nights ago. Its been a good while since a kiss felt like that. Like I wanted to giggle afterwards. These feelings are so strange and misleading...there must be some kind of equation that explains these feelings - to do with a combination of unattainability, power relations and workplace inpropriety.
The sun is starting to come out and I feel so wonderful about my life. Ugh that sounds nauseating. But its true! Its payback time for years of teenage misery. And January and February this year were pretty dark, and its great there's sunshine as the year progresses. Literal and metaphorical sunshine. You know its coming logically, but in those dark days you begin to lose hope. Oh I haven't even written about my trip to Scotland or my birthday! They were fun too!
So March was awesome, and the following months seem pretty cool, going on what plans have been made. Solomon arrives soon, and we are going on a trip to Stockholm. I'm psyched about seeing her! She only planned it recently, and I can hardly believe she'll be here so soon! Whilst she is still here I start a month-long internship at the BBC in documentary production, which should be super interesting and great for me career wise. I hope I like working in docs as much as I hope I will. I start an MA in September. Who knows what will fill the Summer months but I feel very hopeful - a mix of interesting work, travel, medical testing and reading for school. I actually only found out I got onto the MA in European Thought (yeah I know bullshit sounding title but it looks amazing) yesterday and it was sucha relief. I'm learning to enjoy spontaneity and to trust in good things happening, but it feels great to have something concrete set down. I can't wait to be a student again!