Relatioships
I think the scars run deeper in me than I thought. The things that happened in the past, the things I don’t remember unless I think of the past, and the things that I apparently don’t know how to forget are deep in my mind somewhere. Those things I have learned from and they have made me who I am today and as for my personality, I actually enjoy who I am today. Thanks to everything, I no longer let ANYONE walk all over me. However, it seems that those things are also the things that made me shut out a lot of good from my life, perhaps. It’s so strange to think about. I have yet to be physically romantically involved with someone… the closest I’ve gotten is a hug. This in and of itself is not a problem and I, personally, have no problem with it. Looking at the big picture, recently, I realized that I wasn’t even looking for it. Everything comes in its own time. I’m in a transition period right now. I know that. Things are always more crazy when life is not completely stable. So much can be done and yet nothing can be done. This is the final time for me to have free time and I am soaking it up. Parents keep pressuring me to find a job that pays more… but I am really content right now. I know what is expected of me at work and I know that I can accomplish what is needed and if I don’t know something, I just ask.
That is not the problem. The problem is that I have stopped looking. I stopped looking at people as potential partners…and I did this not too long after I entered high school. I had an internet boyfriend which seems childish but it was real to me and I still count it as real. I spent more time talking and interacting with this one person than anyone else, including my parents, for over a year. I think that counts as a relationships. Anyways, after I ended things there because the relationship became too much, I had one final crush. One and this time on a girl… yeah, she started homophobic and then became full blown lesbian. Funny how my liking her and at the same time just being an “older sister” to her really transformed her life. She is now a much happier person than she was before. I wish I could say the same thing about me. Yes, I am happy. I really don’t have anything to complain about but there are times when I get lonely. This loneliness used to get filled by the presence of friends but since moving away and going to college, I have developed a need for independence and time alone and everyone is busy so it’s difficult to set up days where I meet them. My current job, because it lets me work with animals and namely dogs who love you no matter who you are, at least to a degree, gives me some satisfaction so I am not as lonely as I was a year ago when I didn’t have them to ease that void. I know and have always understood why lonely people kept dogs. I have a parrot who fulfills half of the needed functios…it’s just that he hates me half of the time (this is complete personification as birds, most likely, do not hate).
What I’m trying to get at is that I am not looking for a partner. I pretty much gave up. I’m 23 years old and I gave up. Fucking pathetic. I’ve been hurt deeply by people that I loved 3 times in my life. Well, 4… but for that person it was simply jealousy and not emotional love so once I got over myself and stopped being jealous, the relationship returned to an easy, manageable situation. Anyways, out of those three times, the first two were them hurting me which was… excruciating. The third was me hurting him. Honestly, breaking up with my boyfriend was the hardest thing. I did not want to hurt him. I stilled liked him a great deal and to this day respect him. I hope he is well…we still talk every once in a while but it is becoming very rare. Anyways, I just fell out of love with him while he was still very much in it. I couldn’t live with myself… and it took me six fucking months, being a coward, to finally SAY it. I knew he knew things were going sour. He is a smart person which is why I respect him and I learned a lot from him, but I had to do it. His disappearing for a month left me with a hopeless hole in my heart. Finally, once he was recovered enough or whatever it was he needed, we talked again and it took another year before I was able to talk to him without feeling guilty.
I guess the biggest problem has always been that when I get into any relationship, friends or otherwise, it is for the long run. I don’t call someone friend unless they mean a LOT to me and I want them to stay in my life. That is a friend. Everyone else is an acquaintance. I’m looking for forever. I don’t really want to date. I guess you can call me a hopeless romantic and an idealist. I admit to the first but not the second. EVERYONE is flawed. There is not single person who is perfect and I am well aware of that. I don’t even really read romance novels because I find the situations in them so unreal that I don’t bother. That is why I think I am more of a realist. I know that the world is screwed up. No one is going to find me unless I put myself out there and at the same time want to be found. Maybe if my parents were not around for emotional support, I would be different. I’d look for that comfort in the arms of someone else, as many people that I know do.
I guess I am a late bloomer. *half smile*
That is not the problem. The problem is that I have stopped looking. I stopped looking at people as potential partners…and I did this not too long after I entered high school. I had an internet boyfriend which seems childish but it was real to me and I still count it as real. I spent more time talking and interacting with this one person than anyone else, including my parents, for over a year. I think that counts as a relationships. Anyways, after I ended things there because the relationship became too much, I had one final crush. One and this time on a girl… yeah, she started homophobic and then became full blown lesbian. Funny how my liking her and at the same time just being an “older sister” to her really transformed her life. She is now a much happier person than she was before. I wish I could say the same thing about me. Yes, I am happy. I really don’t have anything to complain about but there are times when I get lonely. This loneliness used to get filled by the presence of friends but since moving away and going to college, I have developed a need for independence and time alone and everyone is busy so it’s difficult to set up days where I meet them. My current job, because it lets me work with animals and namely dogs who love you no matter who you are, at least to a degree, gives me some satisfaction so I am not as lonely as I was a year ago when I didn’t have them to ease that void. I know and have always understood why lonely people kept dogs. I have a parrot who fulfills half of the needed functios…it’s just that he hates me half of the time (this is complete personification as birds, most likely, do not hate).
What I’m trying to get at is that I am not looking for a partner. I pretty much gave up. I’m 23 years old and I gave up. Fucking pathetic. I’ve been hurt deeply by people that I loved 3 times in my life. Well, 4… but for that person it was simply jealousy and not emotional love so once I got over myself and stopped being jealous, the relationship returned to an easy, manageable situation. Anyways, out of those three times, the first two were them hurting me which was… excruciating. The third was me hurting him. Honestly, breaking up with my boyfriend was the hardest thing. I did not want to hurt him. I stilled liked him a great deal and to this day respect him. I hope he is well…we still talk every once in a while but it is becoming very rare. Anyways, I just fell out of love with him while he was still very much in it. I couldn’t live with myself… and it took me six fucking months, being a coward, to finally SAY it. I knew he knew things were going sour. He is a smart person which is why I respect him and I learned a lot from him, but I had to do it. His disappearing for a month left me with a hopeless hole in my heart. Finally, once he was recovered enough or whatever it was he needed, we talked again and it took another year before I was able to talk to him without feeling guilty.
I guess the biggest problem has always been that when I get into any relationship, friends or otherwise, it is for the long run. I don’t call someone friend unless they mean a LOT to me and I want them to stay in my life. That is a friend. Everyone else is an acquaintance. I’m looking for forever. I don’t really want to date. I guess you can call me a hopeless romantic and an idealist. I admit to the first but not the second. EVERYONE is flawed. There is not single person who is perfect and I am well aware of that. I don’t even really read romance novels because I find the situations in them so unreal that I don’t bother. That is why I think I am more of a realist. I know that the world is screwed up. No one is going to find me unless I put myself out there and at the same time want to be found. Maybe if my parents were not around for emotional support, I would be different. I’d look for that comfort in the arms of someone else, as many people that I know do.
I guess I am a late bloomer. *half smile*