WTF?!!!
This whole day has been one of those WTF days. The kind that you wonder if I didnt wakeup this morning would this day have been as fucked up as it it is?? I think it started late last night with my conversation with INNY. Strange strange strange ,but then again what isnt anymore. Left me feeling a little like WTF ?!!Not again. Made me question friendship as a relationship. thinking maybe I really have no clue whatsoever about what it is. That is exactly how I was feeling this morning. Like I see it , but I just ccant get it. Then I look at the long standing friendships that mean so much to me , way more than all of the passing throughs combined. Then I realize that yeah I do know what it is all about. I cant change the way people believe , and ultimately I must have believed something they didnt. If I put the names of people who have come and gone in my world , It would resemble the vietnam Wall. Sad thing is alot of those names would evoke as much sorrow as it could at the Vietnam wall. Different scenerios , but same sentiment . Loss.
I posed the question to the group , What is friendship , and what is friend. I think I needed to see what others thought those words meant . I wrote my response ,a nd have read it several times ( very much unlike me) but I think I am still missing something . I know I am a concuming person. I know that my moods , and emotions , and levels of thinking can consume a person to the point they are frightened. I dont know how to stop that. It just comes pouring out of me .Certain people who carress the mind do so releasing thoughts and vsions that i cant control the outpour of. Sometimes I want to curl up in a corner and not speak another word , or not type another word for fear that it will chase another person away. Then there are others that I am like a raveous wolf devouring all the nourishment of conversation I can consume. Theres really not a halfway point for me. I am either quiet and pondering , or indulging the conversationalist in me. Then theres times like whats happening with a certain someone. fear that our conversations let him dig deeper than he wanted to dig and now he is too frightened of the result. Ya know I can handle it when someone tells me , I need some time to just contemplate or Im busy right this minute . But to go from one pattern to an abrubt stop, especially after the depth of the previous conversation. It leaves me to feel like once again ..... too much too deep. I dont want to be the "stalker" calling repetively, dont want to push "whats up" but I miss the conversations.
Ive been thinking alot lately ....back to the friend topic. (heavy sigh) the thoughts in my head make me want to jump clean off the skyway sometimes. I look at the people who are by my side , and I think , how much easier would this life be without dealing with my burden . I think I was supposed to be 2 people once upon a time. The lives I have lived in this lifetime are more ant anyone person could possible endure. Yet here I sit. My thoughts sometimes feel like a duel in myhead . Not even a fight among the conscience angels. Not the Im hearing voices better lock her up thing. But the contpmplative , reasoning , and "pondering" conversations. Thinking and rethinking , and exploring thoughts that if just let be would simply be a random thought. its these kind of conversations that lead people deep into the exploration of their own minds , and ultimately in the end I sit and ponder "what happened?"I dont know if it is stress that is getting to me or what. Im loosing ground. Everyday I feel closer to the depth of the ocean. Even the happiness is a cloak of the anticipated outcome of the end. By far it is not anxious anticipation . It is indeed dread and despair. But it creeps in , and sits , waits , choreographs the right movement to ease into a foul thought . A sadness or misfortune. when all is said , written , and read . I am still alone . exceot for the culprits in my mind. And someday those too will leave me . GOD I AM SOOOOOO AFRAID of that moment ! its coming . right now its slow. To those around me they cant see it. But I feel it . I know it . The loss of time . The slowness , the searching for a memory in my mind. The word being just onthe tip of my tongue for soething I have said a million times. Then there is the physical world of alone. Being so tired it is overwhelming to think of another hour with the kids at school. Trying to prepare or plan for our household when all I want to do is nothing. then there are the times I want to do it all , and I cant even find the strength to pull myself up. I know Im not alone , but in many ways , I am as alone as it possible gets on this earth.I wouldnt wish it on my enemy , wouldnt want to share it with a friend. And my loved ones i would take a hundren more before they had toendure an once of what I feel. The mental strain of terminal illness , is a million moments of death a mllion times a day , a million days before dying. How do you plan a memory , or capture a memory , wen your trying so desperately to keep the moment before it becomes a memory you knwo you will loose?How do you get the people around you to understand that things arent like they were. You arent the person you were. And the expectations are so overwhelming that you question your worthiness n life daily. Im standing in a forest surrounded by a thick enveloping carpet of foliage . On the edge of the blackest , deepest cavernous lake , high in the mountain range of deolation . And inthe distance I hear the cry of a lone eagle. Searching for the one lost mate that was granted. With no explanation , no end just gone. Holding onto the hope that somewhere somewhere the other is there. Not wanting to let go of the feeling of connection. But each day that passes the trees become thicker. the water becomes blacker , the cry becomes more astounding. and the mate never surfaces. which way do i go. through the foest i will surely get lost. Through the water I will surely drown, If I remain where I am the overwhelming sadness of the crying eagle will drive me out of my mind. So I sit
I place my head in my hands ......I close my eyes ....Visions beyond my eyes ........Physically I am still deep in the forest. But inmy mind ....even the darkness cant rob me of peace. Cancer is the devils disease .....in the end , he captures more than one at a time.
I posed the question to the group , What is friendship , and what is friend. I think I needed to see what others thought those words meant . I wrote my response ,a nd have read it several times ( very much unlike me) but I think I am still missing something . I know I am a concuming person. I know that my moods , and emotions , and levels of thinking can consume a person to the point they are frightened. I dont know how to stop that. It just comes pouring out of me .Certain people who carress the mind do so releasing thoughts and vsions that i cant control the outpour of. Sometimes I want to curl up in a corner and not speak another word , or not type another word for fear that it will chase another person away. Then there are others that I am like a raveous wolf devouring all the nourishment of conversation I can consume. Theres really not a halfway point for me. I am either quiet and pondering , or indulging the conversationalist in me. Then theres times like whats happening with a certain someone. fear that our conversations let him dig deeper than he wanted to dig and now he is too frightened of the result. Ya know I can handle it when someone tells me , I need some time to just contemplate or Im busy right this minute . But to go from one pattern to an abrubt stop, especially after the depth of the previous conversation. It leaves me to feel like once again ..... too much too deep. I dont want to be the "stalker" calling repetively, dont want to push "whats up" but I miss the conversations.
Ive been thinking alot lately ....back to the friend topic. (heavy sigh) the thoughts in my head make me want to jump clean off the skyway sometimes. I look at the people who are by my side , and I think , how much easier would this life be without dealing with my burden . I think I was supposed to be 2 people once upon a time. The lives I have lived in this lifetime are more ant anyone person could possible endure. Yet here I sit. My thoughts sometimes feel like a duel in myhead . Not even a fight among the conscience angels. Not the Im hearing voices better lock her up thing. But the contpmplative , reasoning , and "pondering" conversations. Thinking and rethinking , and exploring thoughts that if just let be would simply be a random thought. its these kind of conversations that lead people deep into the exploration of their own minds , and ultimately in the end I sit and ponder "what happened?"I dont know if it is stress that is getting to me or what. Im loosing ground. Everyday I feel closer to the depth of the ocean. Even the happiness is a cloak of the anticipated outcome of the end. By far it is not anxious anticipation . It is indeed dread and despair. But it creeps in , and sits , waits , choreographs the right movement to ease into a foul thought . A sadness or misfortune. when all is said , written , and read . I am still alone . exceot for the culprits in my mind. And someday those too will leave me . GOD I AM SOOOOOO AFRAID of that moment ! its coming . right now its slow. To those around me they cant see it. But I feel it . I know it . The loss of time . The slowness , the searching for a memory in my mind. The word being just onthe tip of my tongue for soething I have said a million times. Then there is the physical world of alone. Being so tired it is overwhelming to think of another hour with the kids at school. Trying to prepare or plan for our household when all I want to do is nothing. then there are the times I want to do it all , and I cant even find the strength to pull myself up. I know Im not alone , but in many ways , I am as alone as it possible gets on this earth.I wouldnt wish it on my enemy , wouldnt want to share it with a friend. And my loved ones i would take a hundren more before they had toendure an once of what I feel. The mental strain of terminal illness , is a million moments of death a mllion times a day , a million days before dying. How do you plan a memory , or capture a memory , wen your trying so desperately to keep the moment before it becomes a memory you knwo you will loose?How do you get the people around you to understand that things arent like they were. You arent the person you were. And the expectations are so overwhelming that you question your worthiness n life daily. Im standing in a forest surrounded by a thick enveloping carpet of foliage . On the edge of the blackest , deepest cavernous lake , high in the mountain range of deolation . And inthe distance I hear the cry of a lone eagle. Searching for the one lost mate that was granted. With no explanation , no end just gone. Holding onto the hope that somewhere somewhere the other is there. Not wanting to let go of the feeling of connection. But each day that passes the trees become thicker. the water becomes blacker , the cry becomes more astounding. and the mate never surfaces. which way do i go. through the foest i will surely get lost. Through the water I will surely drown, If I remain where I am the overwhelming sadness of the crying eagle will drive me out of my mind. So I sit
I place my head in my hands ......I close my eyes ....Visions beyond my eyes ........Physically I am still deep in the forest. But inmy mind ....even the darkness cant rob me of peace. Cancer is the devils disease .....in the end , he captures more than one at a time.