I may have said goodbye to you in one way, however I have not done so with the certain totality that has nothing more to say, nor add to your life. True though it may be to my thinking that we will always clash more then meet eye to eye; I cannot in all good consciousness give up on some ever half present feelings that I should check in on you from time to time, and that just what I do. I Google p0ison1vy, and see how life's treating you but more importantly how your treating life.
From reading your live journal I have gathered in my mind a small sum of thoughts regarding you , and your entire outlook on life, but only so far as it can be understood from just reading your journal, journals do have there limitations, and because of this I do not claim to have an entire true understanding of you, but for that matter I do not claim to understand anyone entirely because who do we really know totally really?
I have this to say about what I think about how you think; of where your at. Discard all of it if you cannot see what it is I am saying, but please read and ponder, read and ponder, and repeat.
First off I know your a very intelligent human being, sensitive, and craving love, not unlike most of us hear on this rock. But you differ in you approach to the world in that your approach appear to cause you more suffering for your trouble then outcomes that are desirable. My own belief from reading your journal and getting to know you online is that a great part of your suffering, and distance from friends is a direct result of your knowledge, or rather your use of it. True though it may be that knowledge equates to power, it also snares the mind up in battles that rage internally for simply knowing what is known. I don't mean to make this entirely a downer to read, my goal is neither to praise or object your way of life, I am just an observer here on the sidelines of cyberspace commenting, but knowledge can liberate the mind in way, and as I said in other ways it can be a snare, I think for you the majority of the time it is the latter outcome... now onto why...
I thinks it because of your knowledge of the game of life that you ultimately feel you control to many cards in the game, you can win or lose without trying its simply a choice for you so essentially the game of people, a.k.a. friends is pointless. This all leads into so many other facets, because friends are so critical to our feeling self worth, belonging, community, trust, depending on others, feeling love... you get where I am going. To know people to know the game, kind of pre-spoils it, and can make forging connections feel predisposed. Most of us feel this but only latter in the game after we know people, friends we have know for awhile become predictable, and because of this, we cater our decision based on what we know of them, sometime for our own benefit and sometimes for theirs, but in the end true, and I mean true friend the ones we cater nothing to, we do for out of love are perhaps the rarest. And I think for you this is what you need; one true best friend, not all the rest, just one that know you and loves you.
My advice is simply, when meeting new people drop the predispositions, forget what you know, and just talk, and share, you'll know you've landed a best friend when the one your talking to hangs on ever word you say. And one more thing lose the intellect from time to time; unsnarl your mind, its true what they say ignorance is bliss, and even scientist dream dreams.
I suppose I understand and agree with what you're saying. I do think that my interpersonal intelligence causes me to be very selective, and isolate myself; I know that in some ways I don't give many people a chance... However, I don't feel that when I do this I'm being unreasonable. I feel like if someone deserves a chance, I give it to them, and the kind of chance a person gets, depends on them. I try not to assume I know a person before getting to know them, most of them time I feel like I have to do this however, otherwise I'd be letting all sorts of dull, average, irritating people into my life. It becomes more complicated when the people become more complicated: for example, I talk to a few people right now, who I know I could get along with if I made an effort to go out and socialise with them, however I know we aren't going to be CLOSE because I can't discuss certain personal things with them. I'm trying to give these sorts of people more of a chance, but meanwhile I'm scared that they'll be disappointed in ME because i'm so different from them. I feel that I will scare people off if I act completely like myself. basically, my fear of letting other people down or emberrassing myself has crippled me.
I have always felt that what I REALLY need to resolve all of this is simply CONFIDENCE. But I just don't feel that i'm ready to be confident yet, I feel like a work in progress all the time. I think that I'll have confidence once I improve myself to a certain point. This might be a destructive way of thinking, but it's what I feel. maybe it's something I need to change, which is partially why i'm considering seeing a therapist or something. But in the meantime of gaining confidence, it's just very frustrating and difficult.
From reading your live journal I have gathered in my mind a small sum of thoughts regarding you , and your entire outlook on life, but only so far as it can be understood from just reading your journal, journals do have there limitations, and because of this I do not claim to have an entire true understanding of you, but for that matter I do not claim to understand anyone entirely because who do we really know totally really?
I have this to say about what I think about how you think; of where your at. Discard all of it if you cannot see what it is I am saying, but please read and ponder, read and ponder, and repeat.
First off I know your a very intelligent human being, sensitive, and craving love, not unlike most of us hear on this rock. But you differ in you approach to the world in that your approach appear to cause you more suffering for your trouble then outcomes that are desirable. My own belief from reading your journal and getting to know you online is that a great part of your suffering, and distance from friends is a direct result of your knowledge, or rather your use of it. True though it may be that knowledge equates to power, it also snares the mind up in battles that rage internally for simply knowing what is known. I don't mean to make this entirely a downer to read, my goal is neither to praise or object your way of life, I am just an observer here on the sidelines of cyberspace commenting, but knowledge can liberate the mind in way, and as I said in other ways it can be a snare, I think for you the majority of the time it is the latter outcome... now onto why...
I thinks it because of your knowledge of the game of life that you ultimately feel you control to many cards in the game, you can win or lose without trying its simply a choice for you so essentially the game of people, a.k.a. friends is pointless. This all leads into so many other facets, because friends are so critical to our feeling self worth, belonging, community, trust, depending on others, feeling love... you get where I am going. To know people to know the game, kind of pre-spoils it, and can make forging connections feel predisposed.
Most of us feel this but only latter in the game after we know people, friends we have know for awhile become predictable, and because of this, we cater our decision based on what we know of them, sometime for our own benefit and sometimes for theirs, but in the end true, and I mean true friend the ones we cater nothing to, we do for out of love are perhaps the rarest. And I think for you this is what you need; one true best friend, not all the rest, just one that know you and loves you.
My advice is simply, when meeting new people drop the predispositions, forget what you know, and just talk, and share, you'll know you've landed a best friend when the one your talking to hangs on ever word you say. And one more thing lose the intellect from time to time; unsnarl your mind, its true what they say ignorance is bliss, and even scientist dream dreams.
From: Neonpulse
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I try not to assume I know a person before getting to know them, most of them time I feel like I have to do this however, otherwise I'd be letting all sorts of dull, average, irritating people into my life. It becomes more complicated when the people become more complicated:
for example, I talk to a few people right now, who I know I could get along with if I made an effort to go out and socialise with them, however I know we aren't going to be CLOSE because I can't discuss certain personal things with them. I'm trying to give these sorts of people more of a chance, but meanwhile I'm scared that they'll be disappointed in ME because i'm so different from them. I feel that I will scare people off if I act completely like myself. basically, my fear of letting other people down or emberrassing myself has crippled me.
I have always felt that what I REALLY need to resolve all of this is simply CONFIDENCE. But I just don't feel that i'm ready to be confident yet, I feel like a work in progress all the time. I think that I'll have confidence once I improve myself to a certain point. This might be a destructive way of thinking, but it's what I feel. maybe it's something I need to change, which is partially why i'm considering seeing a therapist or something.
But in the meantime of gaining confidence, it's just very frustrating and difficult.
Reply
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