Letter to mom
Dearest Mother,
As you know, it is my birthday: my 18th to be precise. Oh yes, the 18th; I am an adult now, according to the government. And you are also undoubtedly aware that your religion prohibits the celebration of birthdays, and since I at one point was forced into this religion, I have never received birthday presents.
Well, it is fitting that I have a favour such as this to ask, on my 18th birthday, and I think such a fact should render you more lenient in granting this favour.
I humbly entreat your fiscal aid. The exact amount I will not disclose immediately as it is rather substantial, this being the very reason why I have decided to beseech you, in form of written treaty.
“A ‘written treaty‘? What the heck is this?” you are ineluctably thinking to yourself. Well, I’ll tell you what:
a formal exchange, a deal, A BARGAIN, if you will. You see, I recognise your miserly ways, I have no choice but to hear you complain about your shortage of money, constantly; “I work so hard and make so little“ you say. ‘You don’t have any money to spare‘, you tell me. Why, you don’t even have enough money for the bare necessities! Oh mother, how I sympathise, but can’t you see that I am STARVING without money?
Furthermore, I am aware that it will not be an easy task to procure the particular amount of money I have in mind [due to it‘s largeness]; thus I have composed this contract, wherein I will stipulate the grounds on which I am asking for this money.
But let’s not call it “asking for money”, let’s call it “love”: asking for your love. Yes, that’s much better.
To get this persuasion in motion, I will firstly assail you with what YOU will get out of this exchange.
If I am granted this money, I PROMISE to do the following:
- clean the whole apartment, indefinitely eg: My room, kitty litter, vacuuming, dishes, living room, etc
- cut my precious hair
- when I get a job I will pay back SOME of the money. I cannot lie: I am 90% sure I won’t pay you back all of it, but I can promise to pay back some, because I am an honest kid who also unfortunately has a tiny bit of humility, and cannot help but feel obligated
- respond in coherent, full sentences [as opposed to surly teenage grunts]
- not skip school for the rest of the semester
- go to bed earlier [eg, before 1am]
- take ya out to dinner once I get a job
- have supper ready when you get home, at least once
Failure to accomplish any/all duties may be punished by means of:
- a slap across the face
- the removal of computer/internet privileges
- a good talkin’ to
- a week in the stocks
- the removal of an ear, toe, or finger, via knife/blade
- 50 lashes with the cat o nine tails
- the wrath of jehovah
- death
Secondly, I will assault your eyes with a list of things that you should CONISDER when making this decision:
- you have an extremely intelligent son, who obviously deserves a large amount of money. All the time.
- your extremely intelligent son is also delightfully clever, and won’t this make a great conversation piece, for say, your conversations with Lisa, Chris or whoever you might be talking to you: “Oh, you have to hear what my intelligent/clever son Stefan did to get money…” you will say, of course ensued with boasting of how you are a wonderful, generous mother who granted Stefan the money he worked so hard to attain
- This could make all the difference, 20 years from now. Think about it: would you rather be sitting alone in a big ol chair amidst a urine-pungent room at the old folks home, watching Millionaire and Jeopardy for years, wallowing in soul-crushing loneliness/despair, body slowly turning to dust--- OR would you rather have your handsome, intelligent, 30 year old son Stefan stopping by to say:
“Hello mother dearest [who gave me that sum of money back in 07], I have bought you your own apartment! And diamonds! Because I am ineluctably famous for something by now and have the money for such acts of flagrant generosity.” These are the possible scenarios, the paths upon which you will inevitably tread! Now, I am no one to tell you how to live your life, but choose wisely. All I can say.
- I’m taking pills! I’m crazy! A loose-cannon! Any little thing could send me over the edge! Denying my access to your financial reserves could be my untimely death! My epitaph would read “Stefan: infanticide by stinginess. Killed by his miserly mother.” Is that what you want? To kill your wonderful clever son?
- If this letter proves anything, it is that I am amazing, and will inexorably be the only person in this family to achieve any sort of tangible success, and also the only one to finish high school and get a DEGREE. Therefore you should nourish my burgeoning soul with MONEY. $$$ ! [As owner of this burgeoning soul, I can tell you that money is exactly what it needs, at the moment.]
- If I am given this money, I might choose to attribute my spectacular intelligence to my MOTHER
“Oh, my intelligence?” I would say “I owe it all to my mother. A very intelligent woman. She made the right choice.”
- I don’t act like Justin and Jessica, that deserves a reward in itself
- If I don’t get this money I cannot guarantee that I won’t begin acting like Justin and/or Jessica
- If I don’t get this money, people will come break my fingers. Nobody wants a son with broken fingers. For all you know it could happen.
- I hardly ever ask for money, and if I’m given this money, I will not again, at least for a very long time
I suppose I should stop my lollygagging’ and get straight to my desired amount of money...
The amount of money I want is… 150$
Yes, one-hundred and fifty bucks. Yes, a lot of money! I am aware of that. But if I went on to express my IRREMIABLE NEED for this money, I would go off an on even longer tangent, which would inexorably necessitate a whole ’nother contract. So I will go no further than typing “IRREMIABLE NEED” in bold capital letters, and stating it a second time.
Know that what I plan on buying is not completely self-serving, and though I am omitting my planned purchase/s, I can assure you that you will LOVE it and BENEFIT from it, and it will collectively enrich our lives. And I say that without a touch of sarcasm or crassness. You will see.
I am willing to settle for a lesser amount, if $150 is absolutely way too much…
I am willing to downgrade to $120.
And if you hate me/it’s absolutely not possible, I am willing to relegate as far as 100$.
In any case, by now you are inevitably convinced that I deserve this money and are willing/anxious to hand it over ASAP. Below you will circle your fiscal choice, and below that is the designated location for signatures. Thank you for reading this, I await your response. - Your obedient son, Stefan
[circle] Choice of payment:
$150 $120 $100 I am a terrible mother
and hate my son
I ___________________________ recognise the terms of this contract and agree to adhere according to it in all aspects. I also recognise that this contract cannot be destroyed by any means [toilet-flushing, incineration, ripping, nuclear bombs, etc], nor can it be altered in any way, and will remain forever emblazoned in the brains of those taking part.
_____________________________ [signature of investor]