decisions, decisions
what should I do?
Gary wants me to move in with him, and i'm not sure what to do. Should I stay here: having no friends, no job, no boys, being unhappy with things, with my crazy mother, stagnant in all aspects...
Or should I move, have everything drastically change, possibly make new friends, have at least one good friend, a possible boyfriend, change scenery completely, new school, leave everything i've known behind, take on adult responsibilities, take a big risk...
As far as Gary knows, I've made up my mind that i'm coming. But I just had a moment where I was like "Well things aren't so bad, maybe I should just stay and take the safe route..."
The thing is-- I'm done with staying inside on the computer doing nothing. I'm sick of it! I shouldn't be living like this.
There are times when I'm scared that i'm dying-- I could very well have cancer for all I know. My symptoms remain unresolved after all this time
I can't concentrate in school, in my current situation.
I'm depressed; if I go to bed any earlier than 1am, I just think, and think, and want to kill myself. So I stay up until crazy hours of the night just so that I'll sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, so that I dont have a chance to think and be sad. This causes me to go about my days, particularly at school, even more unfocused and unhappy, because i'm running on about 2 hours of sleep.
The safe route just is not satisfying me, I need to spread my wings and fly, somewhere else. But it might be really difficult, or might not work at all.
I really like the city gary lives in-- it's so pretty, small, art-oriented, lots of university kids, everyone dresses nicely, a LOT of gay looking guys, an equal distance to Toronto as Barrie, Gary's apartment is nice (nicer than the one I currently live in), he lives in a good area (right downtown), the weather is always overcast, Gary would be a good roommate...
But then like-- I have feelings for gary that are not reciprocated, he loves this other boy, this other boy will probably visit him while i'm living there, and Gary still doesn't know what he's doing with his life-- he doesnt know if he's going to school, and where, he doesn't know how long he's going to stay at his apartment. And what if nothing happens between us but my feelings remain, or intensify?
And also-- a very, very important issue to me [though it might seem silly] is my cat! I am not moving anywhere without my cat. She comes with me, no matter what. But it makes me really sad when I think about moving her somewhere else again; she's a very timid cat, she doesn't like new places, new people; she gets really scared and hides, and it might really suck for her to be somewhere completely new, LIVING with someone she doesn't know, and only one person she's familiar with. It actually like-- breaks my heart to think about this. It feels like I'm kidnapping her, even though she's my cat. Gary is not sure whether he wants me to bring my cat. But if he doesn't want me to, i'm not coming because I just can't live without her. I'm closer to her than to Gary, I love her more.
I'm pretty sure that i'm going to try this out, but it's still a little unsettling. It's a big change, especially for me.
But maybe a big change is just what i need.
Also, if I don't move, I'm not sure if our relationship will progress; I don't have anymore money for rides to Guelph, and I only have 4 Guelph go bus rides left on the card he gave me. We'd have to space out the visits eventually, and eventually we might hardly ever see eachother, and then i'd be back to being alone.
I'm making a guidance appointment tomorrow so that I can talk to a counsellor about this, see what would have to be done, if it's even possible for me to do this.
I wanted to move in February, for semester 2, but Gary wants me to move like-- RIGHT NOW, at first I was like "No way! Thats crazy!" but I've come to a point where I'm like-- lets just do it. What am I waiting for? I'm sick of this life. I need a change RIGHT NOW.
The thing is-- I don't turn 18 until january 2, so I dont know if I can register myself at a new school right now without my mom, and also, I dont know if I'll get my credits for this semester if i move now because not many schools have Literature and Writer's Craft courses. I looked on the website and I didn't see these courses listed, but I'll check again. We'll see what happens, I suppose.
So there are some things I need to do this week:
- look for drugs
- make guidance appointment
- inquire about long lost student card
- get winter coat
And if I'm told that moving soon is possible (by guidance) then I must add:
- talk to stefan about getting a drive to guelph with my luggage and cat
- get Gary to make a copy of the keys
- get Gary to deposit money into my bank account
- pack up
- sew more clothes
- make a list of things I need to bring
-go grocery shopping, take some of the groceries
-go stealing at Value Village and Goodwill (and possibly other places) with Megan or Ariel
- steal money from mom
- delete all my shit off the computer
- get my files from moms room
- make sure to bring my PS1
- make new email account
- possibly steal some books from the school library
Gary wants me to move in with him, and i'm not sure what to do. Should I stay here: having no friends, no job, no boys, being unhappy with things, with my crazy mother, stagnant in all aspects...
Or should I move, have everything drastically change, possibly make new friends, have at least one good friend, a possible boyfriend, change scenery completely, new school, leave everything i've known behind, take on adult responsibilities, take a big risk...
As far as Gary knows, I've made up my mind that i'm coming. But I just had a moment where I was like "Well things aren't so bad, maybe I should just stay and take the safe route..."
The thing is-- I'm done with staying inside on the computer doing nothing. I'm sick of it! I shouldn't be living like this.
There are times when I'm scared that i'm dying-- I could very well have cancer for all I know. My symptoms remain unresolved after all this time
I can't concentrate in school, in my current situation.
I'm depressed; if I go to bed any earlier than 1am, I just think, and think, and want to kill myself. So I stay up until crazy hours of the night just so that I'll sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, so that I dont have a chance to think and be sad. This causes me to go about my days, particularly at school, even more unfocused and unhappy, because i'm running on about 2 hours of sleep.
The safe route just is not satisfying me, I need to spread my wings and fly, somewhere else. But it might be really difficult, or might not work at all.
I really like the city gary lives in-- it's so pretty, small, art-oriented, lots of university kids, everyone dresses nicely, a LOT of gay looking guys, an equal distance to Toronto as Barrie, Gary's apartment is nice (nicer than the one I currently live in), he lives in a good area (right downtown), the weather is always overcast, Gary would be a good roommate...
But then like-- I have feelings for gary that are not reciprocated, he loves this other boy, this other boy will probably visit him while i'm living there, and Gary still doesn't know what he's doing with his life-- he doesnt know if he's going to school, and where, he doesn't know how long he's going to stay at his apartment. And what if nothing happens between us but my feelings remain, or intensify?
And also-- a very, very important issue to me [though it might seem silly] is my cat! I am not moving anywhere without my cat. She comes with me, no matter what. But it makes me really sad when I think about moving her somewhere else again; she's a very timid cat, she doesn't like new places, new people; she gets really scared and hides, and it might really suck for her to be somewhere completely new, LIVING with someone she doesn't know, and only one person she's familiar with. It actually like-- breaks my heart to think about this. It feels like I'm kidnapping her, even though she's my cat. Gary is not sure whether he wants me to bring my cat. But if he doesn't want me to, i'm not coming because I just can't live without her. I'm closer to her than to Gary, I love her more.
I'm pretty sure that i'm going to try this out, but it's still a little unsettling. It's a big change, especially for me.
But maybe a big change is just what i need.
Also, if I don't move, I'm not sure if our relationship will progress; I don't have anymore money for rides to Guelph, and I only have 4 Guelph go bus rides left on the card he gave me. We'd have to space out the visits eventually, and eventually we might hardly ever see eachother, and then i'd be back to being alone.
I'm making a guidance appointment tomorrow so that I can talk to a counsellor about this, see what would have to be done, if it's even possible for me to do this.
I wanted to move in February, for semester 2, but Gary wants me to move like-- RIGHT NOW, at first I was like "No way! Thats crazy!" but I've come to a point where I'm like-- lets just do it. What am I waiting for? I'm sick of this life. I need a change RIGHT NOW.
The thing is-- I don't turn 18 until january 2, so I dont know if I can register myself at a new school right now without my mom, and also, I dont know if I'll get my credits for this semester if i move now because not many schools have Literature and Writer's Craft courses. I looked on the website and I didn't see these courses listed, but I'll check again. We'll see what happens, I suppose.
So there are some things I need to do this week:
- look for drugs
- make guidance appointment
- inquire about long lost student card
- get winter coat
And if I'm told that moving soon is possible (by guidance) then I must add:
- talk to stefan about getting a drive to guelph with my luggage and cat
- get Gary to make a copy of the keys
- get Gary to deposit money into my bank account
- pack up
- sew more clothes
- make a list of things I need to bring
-go grocery shopping, take some of the groceries
-go stealing at Value Village and Goodwill (and possibly other places) with Megan or Ariel
- steal money from mom
- delete all my shit off the computer
- get my files from moms room
- make sure to bring my PS1
- make new email account
- possibly steal some books from the school library