Purging.
I haven't really posted in a long time, I know that.
One month ago, I would take the bus home, I would step into my apartment, I would change into pjs and get ready for bed, and I would feel like I was someone else, putting on someone else's clothes, coming into someone else's apartment, and just general I would have entire days where I would walk down a street, and not remember which street I'd just walked down, I felt like I was on auto-pilot.
I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't really feeling much of anything. I liked this boy, but even then I liked laying next to someone, and when he wasn't around I would forget very simple details about him. For a whole week I got his name wrong.
I know I was supposed to be happy, I had a great job, a nice boy, a roommate. And then I wake up and it's 4/20 (ironic huh?) and the boy has dumped me, the roommate is gone, and I've been fired from my first job. And even then I didn't really feel anything. I'll have fleeting moments of panic. I know I should be scared, and people keep telling me that "oh god you must be terrified." I don't know what to think. It had to all have happened for a reason, why was I starting to build this life I had absolutely no attachment to? What was the point? And do I just build back up again? How do I know I won't make the same mistakes? I don't know what to think. I have never been a girl of little emotion, but for the last two days I've sat at my laptop and watched tv, all day, I've left the apartment twice since yesterday and I have had no urge to do anything or go anywhere. It's not even moping, I thought I was an ambitious person but I just don't care.
Maybe I am just going through a phase, I mean I've felt everything so extremely for so long, that I'm on a break from feelings. It's better than the alternative, I know me, I should be having a total nervous breakdown, I'm living alone, unemployed and and single. This should be terrible. It is, I know that. I'm freaking myself out just by typing it but the reactions only last for a minute.
I should just have confidence in myself and know that I am going to be okay somehow. Maybe this is a sign that I need to slow down, and pace myself. It was so much to take on, I moved and everything just unraveled so quickly and I didn't feel like I was me anymore. I felt like I was someone who should have wanted the things that I had but I didn't. So maybe now I can just rebuild, find a job, find a roommate, and figure out how to feel like myself again. I don't know how to end this. I know that it will be fine and I think that's the weirdest feeling of all.
One month ago, I would take the bus home, I would step into my apartment, I would change into pjs and get ready for bed, and I would feel like I was someone else, putting on someone else's clothes, coming into someone else's apartment, and just general I would have entire days where I would walk down a street, and not remember which street I'd just walked down, I felt like I was on auto-pilot.
I wasn't unhappy, but I wasn't really feeling much of anything. I liked this boy, but even then I liked laying next to someone, and when he wasn't around I would forget very simple details about him. For a whole week I got his name wrong.
I know I was supposed to be happy, I had a great job, a nice boy, a roommate. And then I wake up and it's 4/20 (ironic huh?) and the boy has dumped me, the roommate is gone, and I've been fired from my first job. And even then I didn't really feel anything. I'll have fleeting moments of panic. I know I should be scared, and people keep telling me that "oh god you must be terrified." I don't know what to think. It had to all have happened for a reason, why was I starting to build this life I had absolutely no attachment to? What was the point? And do I just build back up again? How do I know I won't make the same mistakes? I don't know what to think. I have never been a girl of little emotion, but for the last two days I've sat at my laptop and watched tv, all day, I've left the apartment twice since yesterday and I have had no urge to do anything or go anywhere. It's not even moping, I thought I was an ambitious person but I just don't care.
Maybe I am just going through a phase, I mean I've felt everything so extremely for so long, that I'm on a break from feelings. It's better than the alternative, I know me, I should be having a total nervous breakdown, I'm living alone, unemployed and and single. This should be terrible. It is, I know that. I'm freaking myself out just by typing it but the reactions only last for a minute.
I should just have confidence in myself and know that I am going to be okay somehow. Maybe this is a sign that I need to slow down, and pace myself. It was so much to take on, I moved and everything just unraveled so quickly and I didn't feel like I was me anymore. I felt like I was someone who should have wanted the things that I had but I didn't. So maybe now I can just rebuild, find a job, find a roommate, and figure out how to feel like myself again. I don't know how to end this. I know that it will be fine and I think that's the weirdest feeling of all.