Pathedic.
...and back to live journal. No one really reads live journal anymore, so I figured it would be the place to go to. But lets get to the point.
I feel so pathedic and small. Any confidence I did have has completely left me on my own. I feel so shamefull, that I can barely look people in the eyes. I think to myself, this what I have become, something I wanted to stay far away from. I can't joke around, I don't stand up formyself, people could easily walk all over me... and they're already starting too. I'm starting to wonder if my life really has any meaning, the only thing that's holding me on is the memories of my loved ones back at home. It's really the only reason I hold on. But it's getting harder. He says, your weakness kills everyone, so live. But I'm so lost, mainly within myself. It's like seasons are almost over, It's autumn and the leaves of my soul are falling to the ground, as each leaf falls, my life slips away that much more. Soon the tree will be baron and empty, nothing around but death on the ground. The soul has completely left, now it only feels winters harsh chill, with the painful realization that it is finally dead.... I just want to let go of all of this, I want to let go of the pain of being a man, and make a beast of myself. Or at least get rid of the pain. I look in the mirror and see disgust, I have no love for myself, but can you blame me? This how I feel all the time, so how can you love this? and how can you expect anyone else to for the matter. I need something to hold on too on this wild ride into oblivion. Why can't all this turn into something positive, why can't I be like, I have had enough and totally revamp myself into something great. I want to be feared and respected, but at the same time loved. I try to find peace in my sleep. I can't think while I'm sleeping, but even that seems to be slipping away. I'm trying to get this to flow, it feels really brokin up. I need to get this all out, I hoping this will help. Transfer this demon into words and make it leave. I don't understand myself, everywhere I go it's the same. The same insults from people, I'm over 6000 miles away from the states and people say the same exact things about me. Do I really fucking look like I'm high all the time or a crackhead? The only drugs I've done is weed and pills, and I only did them last summer! I should wear sunglasses all the time. Even at night. I need to find some Aviators. I need to take control of my life. I really dont' know where to begin though, Back at home I almost had control. People turned to me for friendship, advice, everyone just wanted to be with me. I think it's in my blood to be the leader of the pack, but I don't know where to begin.I need to get control on my own life before I start taking charge of others. I'm going to make a goal for myself. I'm going to start from the outside to the inside of my body. What I mean is, I need to strengthin my shell so it's strong enough to protect what's inside of me. Then my inside will heal while my oustide is getting stronger. Soon my what I feel inside will get positive, totally changing who I am for the better. Even if it's a long process, I have to do this. For the sake of my life. I think I might be mustering soon, so I gotta end this. But I am changing my life!
I feel so pathedic and small. Any confidence I did have has completely left me on my own. I feel so shamefull, that I can barely look people in the eyes. I think to myself, this what I have become, something I wanted to stay far away from. I can't joke around, I don't stand up formyself, people could easily walk all over me... and they're already starting too. I'm starting to wonder if my life really has any meaning, the only thing that's holding me on is the memories of my loved ones back at home. It's really the only reason I hold on. But it's getting harder. He says, your weakness kills everyone, so live. But I'm so lost, mainly within myself. It's like seasons are almost over, It's autumn and the leaves of my soul are falling to the ground, as each leaf falls, my life slips away that much more. Soon the tree will be baron and empty, nothing around but death on the ground. The soul has completely left, now it only feels winters harsh chill, with the painful realization that it is finally dead.... I just want to let go of all of this, I want to let go of the pain of being a man, and make a beast of myself. Or at least get rid of the pain. I look in the mirror and see disgust, I have no love for myself, but can you blame me? This how I feel all the time, so how can you love this? and how can you expect anyone else to for the matter. I need something to hold on too on this wild ride into oblivion. Why can't all this turn into something positive, why can't I be like, I have had enough and totally revamp myself into something great. I want to be feared and respected, but at the same time loved. I try to find peace in my sleep. I can't think while I'm sleeping, but even that seems to be slipping away. I'm trying to get this to flow, it feels really brokin up. I need to get this all out, I hoping this will help. Transfer this demon into words and make it leave. I don't understand myself, everywhere I go it's the same. The same insults from people, I'm over 6000 miles away from the states and people say the same exact things about me. Do I really fucking look like I'm high all the time or a crackhead? The only drugs I've done is weed and pills, and I only did them last summer! I should wear sunglasses all the time. Even at night. I need to find some Aviators. I need to take control of my life. I really dont' know where to begin though, Back at home I almost had control. People turned to me for friendship, advice, everyone just wanted to be with me. I think it's in my blood to be the leader of the pack, but I don't know where to begin.I need to get control on my own life before I start taking charge of others. I'm going to make a goal for myself. I'm going to start from the outside to the inside of my body. What I mean is, I need to strengthin my shell so it's strong enough to protect what's inside of me. Then my inside will heal while my oustide is getting stronger. Soon my what I feel inside will get positive, totally changing who I am for the better. Even if it's a long process, I have to do this. For the sake of my life. I think I might be mustering soon, so I gotta end this. But I am changing my life!