Sunday night blues.... in that gothic kind of way.
Well it's Sunday night, correction: Monday morning and I can't sleep. I thought I would considering I was about to fall asleep at 10 and I went to bed yesterday morning at 6 and woke up at 12. I thought writing my help put me to sleep. I'm finally alone and I have to consult with myself about alot of events and feelings that have been going on.
The break was good. I spent most of it with Eric, and then some with Sean, and others. I hung out with this girl at the first weekend of the break and the second weekend of the break. I'm not sure if I like her or not. One; she's the little sister of one of my really good friends. Two; I'm not really sure about, I'm not sure if it's purely physical attraction or her personality trait. I almost asked her out Saturday night when we sat up till 5:30 in the morning talking, I didn't. But the next day I wasn't feeling the same. So I'm not sure. Then I think, "maybe it's because you have been single for nearly 6 months so any girl that's giving you attention and is interested in you want to go for." But in the case it isn't nessesarely true. I've come along way from doing that. I just need someone to spark me up. Someone I would have more stuff in common with. But on the second hand I'm not sure if I'm looking for a relationship or a fuck. And if it's fuck, I can't really see myself doing that.
Fuck. Part of me want's to fuck, the other wants to wait 'till I get married. Not sure if it's pure horniness or loneliness. Nah, not loneliness, I'm not really lonely. Tonight is the first night I've been alone since Monday. So in nine days I've been alone 2. I'm cheery lately which is cool. I still think the way I do, but I've learned to balance it out. See, this is why I really don't need to talk to anyone. In time I can solve it myself and then go have a merry 'Ol time with my buddys.
I've learned many many people get love and pride mixed with in each other. In the words of Marcellus Wallus,"Fuck Pride!" If a girl doesn't like you, you believe it's your heart getting crushed, 'thus making it feel like you "loved" her. But that's wrong, it's not love, it's pride. You feel shamed because you can't understand why this girl that you're crazy about doesn't feel the same. So you try, you beg, you plead, but nothing works, hince forth making your pride dwindlle down to nothing. And basicly you feel very very shitty.
Girls are bitches. But I've caught on to the pattern, for now I'm sitting back watching choices and consequences. For guys; never, ever beg. Don't go rambling on about how much you lilke that particular girl, and how you would do anything for the them, and how much you care for them, when you feel like a girl just crushed you. It doesn't do shit, and it's definetely not very masculine. Which correct me if I'm wrong, but a girl is looking for a guy, and the caulities in a guy, that thing,(not penis) that makes men some much diferent from them. So basicly when you do that pleading shit, you smash your chances of getting with her to smitherines. So do what you where born to do, be a man! When you've been with a girl for a long time, and it's some type of aniversity then you can say how much your significant other means to you, but that my friends is love, you're not in a jepordizing spot, it's just a guy and a girl who's been together for awhile expressing there feelings for one another. I like this quote, I'm not sure if I made it up or if it's by someone."There's a time for everything" In that little quote, sums up what I just said.
High school and atricles. I love to read articles, whether it be"Men's Heath" or "Cosmopolitan"(my dearest apoligies if I spelt that wrong) I'm going to skip why, because it's irrelievent.and go to the point.. I've relized my relationship expections and sexual desires are above high school level, I'm looking for the stuff I read about and I rarely find it. And this made me ponder, then I figured out why, because these girls are in highschool, and most of them are just as clueless as the guys. So now after recolecting this info, I relize what I have to do. I'm not dating any girls in high school. Or at least try too, I might find a girl who I am completely interested and shares the same info that I know. Yes Kris, you are above average. I feel like I'm watching the world, literally watching it. I read peoples emotions, reactions, mistakes, discomforts, pleasures, etc... So when I come home, I think about everything that happened, and after much thought, I figure out why and how. This is the simplest rule that everyone should have learned in Kindergarden,"Always learn from your mistakes" But instead of me making mistakes, I'm watching other people make mistakes and I learn from that. Though I'm not perfect, I too do make mistakes, but I try really hard to learn from it. It does agrivate me some when I do figure out the mistake though, I think of every relationship that could have been if I would have figured it out sooner. With Brittni, or Ambyr, or Kari, I made the same mistake, I made up excuses, I wasn't myself, I wasn't much fun. Basicly a total lack of confidence. Which is very bad thing to lack. Confidence is part of masculintiy, which goes to my point that I wrote about above this. I'm really ready to graduate, I feel so much smarter and above High School. It pisses me off that I sit at my desk alone, and don't talk to to many people, just the people that I like and somehow attract all of the dumbasses to where I sit. "hahahha lets make racist jokes and talk about how fucked up I get all the time." It also pisses me off when people keep saying, "what grade are we in?" And then 5 minutes later be acting the sameway as the people that they where saying it too. This is becoming Jumbled up and I got off subject. So new paragraph.
Future. I decided that I either want to join the marines, write articles, or do the rock star dream. I think I'm going to do the Marines for 4 years, and with that money go to college and get a article writer degree, I'm not sure what it's called. Or After the marines do the rock star thing. Either way I'll have money and if either of those don't work out I can always re enlist into the Marines.
Model. I'm going to look like a model, or at least have the body of one. And Dress like one. I don't like to look and dress nasty I don't think I do, its just some people this past weekend kept saying I looked nasty. Or seem unclean. I want too look sharp, smooth and sexy. With taht and the personality I have now, I will definetaley be rockin'! You can call this a silly male dream, but with me, it will become more than a dream. Dreams are ideas, but it's how far you push the idea is all that matters..
Man, I've relized I've mentioned sex alot more than I used too. And I have been "wanting" a girl alot more than usually do. It's almost like someone dramiticly boosted my sex drive.
I think I'm going to go to bed. I've cleared my mind, so I might be able to sleep.
To all you troubled souls out there. If you need help, please ask. Even if I don't like you, I will always lend a helping hand. There really is a wonderful life, try not to dwell in the despair, if you need help pulling through, then once again, please ask. With these final words I'm leaving. Goodnight.
A sweet picture I found
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