Hmm....
I don't generally apply songs to my life and the way I think. I don't know why, but most of the time [Pleasant Valley Sunday being the exception]I don't "identify" with songs. But for once, I do. Specifically, one section in "Cut My Hair," which is currently my favorite song from Quadrophenia:
Why do I have to be different to them,
Just to earn the respect of a dance hall friend?
We have the same old row, again and again.
Why do I have to move with a crowd
Of kids that hardly notice I'm around?
I have to work myself to death just to fit in.
I don't know if this comes across online or not, but I need attention. I get a lot from my family, actually, but...when I'm at a public gathering, I get so...hurt? I guess you could say, when the other people my age look at me...and turn back to their own conversations, without so much as sparing a smile.
When we lived in New York a few years ago, I was the only person my age who was homeschooled. All the other kids knew each other from school, and they were "cool". Every last one of them thought it was beneath their "coolness" to bother being friendly to the geeky PK with the hand-me-down clothes. When no-one else was around? Sure. They'd talk to me, they'd act all friendly...but the instant someone more "interesting" showed up...boom, I was second-rate again. I felt like a kid with no money, standing outside a candy shop, waiting for someone to invite me in. Every now and then, I'd be let in....only to get thrown out again.
And then we moved. We started going to a church where - once again - all the youth group members knew each other long before I was around. But funny thing is...three weeks later, I was one of them. I was a member of the "In Crowd". And I didn't have to do a single thing. It was such a wonderful feeling....I had never felt anything like it since reaching adolescense, when things like clothes started to "mean" something. It was addicting. For once, I was inside the candy shop, I was invited...and everyone wanted me to be there.
Now...we've switched churches fairly recently, and....I'm back to having my face against the window. It is so hard for me to make friends in real life. I'm too friendly. I talk too much. And...I think that tends to scare people off. They stand in their cliques, they watch me approach...and I feel 12 years old again, knowing that no matter how interesting I am they're not gonna look at me for the real me. They're gonna see the gawky, clumsy girl who's still missing two teeth and can't get rid of her acne, who talks too fast, too low and with a lisp...and they're gonna ignore me. Like always.
So...if I tend to cling to you like a limpit online? That's part of the reason why. I honestly know two people [outside of my wonderful family] who like to talk with me in this entire town. And I'm lonely. And I've been ditched so many times, I don't want it to happen again.
And boy I feel :emo: now. But I don't think I need to explain about the song.
Why do I have to be different to them,
Just to earn the respect of a dance hall friend?
We have the same old row, again and again.
Why do I have to move with a crowd
Of kids that hardly notice I'm around?
I have to work myself to death just to fit in.
I don't know if this comes across online or not, but I need attention. I get a lot from my family, actually, but...when I'm at a public gathering, I get so...hurt? I guess you could say, when the other people my age look at me...and turn back to their own conversations, without so much as sparing a smile.
When we lived in New York a few years ago, I was the only person my age who was homeschooled. All the other kids knew each other from school, and they were "cool". Every last one of them thought it was beneath their "coolness" to bother being friendly to the geeky PK with the hand-me-down clothes. When no-one else was around? Sure. They'd talk to me, they'd act all friendly...but the instant someone more "interesting" showed up...boom, I was second-rate again. I felt like a kid with no money, standing outside a candy shop, waiting for someone to invite me in. Every now and then, I'd be let in....only to get thrown out again.
And then we moved. We started going to a church where - once again - all the youth group members knew each other long before I was around. But funny thing is...three weeks later, I was one of them. I was a member of the "In Crowd". And I didn't have to do a single thing. It was such a wonderful feeling....I had never felt anything like it since reaching adolescense, when things like clothes started to "mean" something. It was addicting. For once, I was inside the candy shop, I was invited...and everyone wanted me to be there.
Now...we've switched churches fairly recently, and....I'm back to having my face against the window. It is so hard for me to make friends in real life. I'm too friendly. I talk too much. And...I think that tends to scare people off. They stand in their cliques, they watch me approach...and I feel 12 years old again, knowing that no matter how interesting I am they're not gonna look at me for the real me. They're gonna see the gawky, clumsy girl who's still missing two teeth and can't get rid of her acne, who talks too fast, too low and with a lisp...and they're gonna ignore me. Like always.
So...if I tend to cling to you like a limpit online? That's part of the reason why. I honestly know two people [outside of my wonderful family] who like to talk with me in this entire town. And I'm lonely. And I've been ditched so many times, I don't want it to happen again.
And boy I feel :emo: now. But I don't think I need to explain about the song.