Warning: may contain triggers!
No seriously! ------- I would cut but some how recently my cuts don't work ---------------------------------------
I'm seriously beginning to wonder what is wrong with me - recently i have picked fights with both family (including hubby) and friends for well now i look at it, more or less no reason that is logical and with really no fault of theirs. I have just felt like yelling, then crying, then just curling up in a ball and hope that i get loved and hugs or the world just will go away.
I am mad at myself, mad at them, mad at the world, mad at the universe, mad at the supreme being if IT exists - how dare i be so stupid to fight with people who have done nothing really to prompt me to fight with them, feel like crying because things are not working out the way i would like (in terms of life - not in terms of i cry to get what i want), how silly to yell at people then in the next breathe want them to hug me and hold me and tell me everything is alright. I am mad at them for really little piddly things and nothing at all at the same time, nothing that is logical, nothing that they themselves did - they were just there. I am mad at the world - how can it keep moving when i just want to stay still i want to hold on to yesterday and the past and yet move into the future. I am mad at the universe - how is it so spectacular and we (me) not? how are the things i do insignificant and irrelevant?
I'm mostly angry at the universe/ the supreme being - how dare IT decide that it was ok to take away my father from me earlier than i think he should have gone from this life - death disguised as cancer is a horrid thing to see happen to someone you love and i had to try and find all of the courage that i possessed to say goodbye to him 3 months before my wedding day and had to find the courage to get through the next 3 months without him there to share my special day. I'm also angry at my friend who for his own reasons - which i doubt i'll ever know or understand - decided to take his own life just over a month ago - and upset that they felt that this was the only way that they could deal with what ever pain that they were going through - angry at myself: was i not a good enough friend - sad for Dave as this friend was also one of his best friends that he had known since high school, sad for Ryan (housemate) as he feels that he has lost one of two of his best friends in the whole world and then had a loss of relationship as well within the last month.
At the funeral for my friend the person who was conducting the funeral asked us to accept that this was his choice - i don't think i can - does this make me a horrid person, that i wanted him to stay in our lives, that i liked the times we spent together, that i liked the way he made my husband a happy man - that i'm upset to see my husband in such turmoil over the loss of his friend?
I didn't even realise how much impact my friends death had on me until recently - like how our house seemed that much quieter without him coming around, how discontent my housemate and husband were, how i even wish i could call him and tell him to get his butt over to our house and grace us with his presence again, how much i miss him, how different life is without him and how it took me this long to even be able to get close to describing how i feel about his passing.
I truly hope that those that i have upset in the past (and future - because i'm bound to upset someone again) can eventually find it within themselves to forgive me and my madness. Perhaps i'm just mad!
I'm seriously beginning to wonder what is wrong with me - recently i have picked fights with both family (including hubby) and friends for well now i look at it, more or less no reason that is logical and with really no fault of theirs. I have just felt like yelling, then crying, then just curling up in a ball and hope that i get loved and hugs or the world just will go away.
I am mad at myself, mad at them, mad at the world, mad at the universe, mad at the supreme being if IT exists - how dare i be so stupid to fight with people who have done nothing really to prompt me to fight with them, feel like crying because things are not working out the way i would like (in terms of life - not in terms of i cry to get what i want), how silly to yell at people then in the next breathe want them to hug me and hold me and tell me everything is alright. I am mad at them for really little piddly things and nothing at all at the same time, nothing that is logical, nothing that they themselves did - they were just there. I am mad at the world - how can it keep moving when i just want to stay still i want to hold on to yesterday and the past and yet move into the future. I am mad at the universe - how is it so spectacular and we (me) not? how are the things i do insignificant and irrelevant?
I'm mostly angry at the universe/ the supreme being - how dare IT decide that it was ok to take away my father from me earlier than i think he should have gone from this life - death disguised as cancer is a horrid thing to see happen to someone you love and i had to try and find all of the courage that i possessed to say goodbye to him 3 months before my wedding day and had to find the courage to get through the next 3 months without him there to share my special day. I'm also angry at my friend who for his own reasons - which i doubt i'll ever know or understand - decided to take his own life just over a month ago - and upset that they felt that this was the only way that they could deal with what ever pain that they were going through - angry at myself: was i not a good enough friend - sad for Dave as this friend was also one of his best friends that he had known since high school, sad for Ryan (housemate) as he feels that he has lost one of two of his best friends in the whole world and then had a loss of relationship as well within the last month.
At the funeral for my friend the person who was conducting the funeral asked us to accept that this was his choice - i don't think i can - does this make me a horrid person, that i wanted him to stay in our lives, that i liked the times we spent together, that i liked the way he made my husband a happy man - that i'm upset to see my husband in such turmoil over the loss of his friend?
I didn't even realise how much impact my friends death had on me until recently - like how our house seemed that much quieter without him coming around, how discontent my housemate and husband were, how i even wish i could call him and tell him to get his butt over to our house and grace us with his presence again, how much i miss him, how different life is without him and how it took me this long to even be able to get close to describing how i feel about his passing.
I truly hope that those that i have upset in the past (and future - because i'm bound to upset someone again) can eventually find it within themselves to forgive me and my madness. Perhaps i'm just mad!