[OOC] Essay - Oz: The Past, The Present and the Future (in camp)
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > oz is all I CAN'T BEAR ANY BURDENS AT ALL
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING AT MYSELF
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I DON'T EVEN KONW WHO I AM
< Gil > Saturday day night drama
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I'M AFRAID OF REJECTION
< Oz|canon > god. wow.
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I'M JUST A COWARD WHO'S AFRAID OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME
< Oz|canon > ...
< Gil > yes, yes, Oz, you are
< Oz|canon > I...think I need to write an Oz essay
Oz: On the past, present and future (aka camp)
To start this essay, I need to go to the beginning. Oz lived his life trying to serve his father and make him proud of him. At the same time, Oz was caught with a fear that his father despises him and wants nothing to do with him. Gil describes his emotional state during that time as being "stretched on a thin string about to snap". Oz's self-esteem, his self-worth, his own self was under evaluation his whole life by himself, seeking only one thing; recognition from his father.
Unfortunately for Oz, his assumptions were right. His father hated him, wanted nothing to do with and saw him as nothing more than filth.
And Oz snapped. Just like that.
He spent days crying in his room, no one was there for him and Gil was taken away by his father. And that's where Oz came to a conclusion:
1) That he didn't care about himself anymore
2) That his tears and pain and sadness do not matter
3) He has no reason for really existing since the only reason he DID have, his father shot down
And he keeps these reasons up to the present day of canon. Mind you, now he's pretty much repressed them enough for them to be subconscious. Oz does not constantly think of these things everyday of his life, but it does put a bigger spin on his actions and the way he responds to other people. The way he belittles himself and his emotions (including the way he looks at his contract, his father, himself etc) makes him continuously trying to endear himself to others to try and hold onto some form of happiness. It also makes him suicidal towards the welfare of others so that he doesn't focus on his own welfare at all. To him, there is no self-worth in himself.
Does that make Oz courageous? No. Oz would prefer running to solve his problems or simply dying on the spot. Oz doesn't think he could ever hurt the people dear to him, or even for that matter, people in general. He doesn't like hurting anyone and to him, he would prefer dying instead than ever pointing a sword to anyone. That doesn't mean he won't defend the people he cares for, but he'll do it by sacrificing himself rather than actually fighting back. He's afraid of rejection and being hurt by others and in that sense, he'd rather die than face up to it.
Now, all of this is still very much in Oz's subconscious. He's dimly aware of it, but he hasn't called himself on it (not untill Retrace 27). So, what does that mean in my play of Oz? For one, advice, people trying to help, people who are dear to him, will not register as "help" to Oz. In fact, it will pretty much go over his head because he doesn't want help, he doesn't understand the help given to him and in fact, to Oz, nothing about himself really feels "wrong" to him, even if it's self-destructive. He will forever remain in that fixed point of time where he was all alone in the room, crying himself away.
Does this mean Oz hasn't progressed at all in camp? I'd say there was some progress, but it was very minute. Oz will hear and understand, but he won't really understand on a deeper self-conscious level since, as I said, his self-esteem, his worth has become almost habit and not something he really considers "wrong" or "terrible for himself" even if in other people, he can see it as being "wrong". Play-wise, if I ever canon-update, I'm going to keep Oz on this sense of self-destruction since that is the only time he has a true revelation to what he is.
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I'M NOT EVEN LOOKING AT MYSELF
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I DON'T EVEN KONW WHO I AM
< Gil > Saturday day night drama
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I'M AFRAID OF REJECTION
< Oz|canon > god. wow.
< Eliot^Nightlay|canon > I'M JUST A COWARD WHO'S AFRAID OF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME
< Oz|canon > ...
< Gil > yes, yes, Oz, you are
< Oz|canon > I...think I need to write an Oz essay
Oz: On the past, present and future (aka camp)
To start this essay, I need to go to the beginning. Oz lived his life trying to serve his father and make him proud of him. At the same time, Oz was caught with a fear that his father despises him and wants nothing to do with him. Gil describes his emotional state during that time as being "stretched on a thin string about to snap". Oz's self-esteem, his self-worth, his own self was under evaluation his whole life by himself, seeking only one thing; recognition from his father.
Unfortunately for Oz, his assumptions were right. His father hated him, wanted nothing to do with and saw him as nothing more than filth.
And Oz snapped. Just like that.
He spent days crying in his room, no one was there for him and Gil was taken away by his father. And that's where Oz came to a conclusion:
1) That he didn't care about himself anymore
2) That his tears and pain and sadness do not matter
3) He has no reason for really existing since the only reason he DID have, his father shot down
And he keeps these reasons up to the present day of canon. Mind you, now he's pretty much repressed them enough for them to be subconscious. Oz does not constantly think of these things everyday of his life, but it does put a bigger spin on his actions and the way he responds to other people. The way he belittles himself and his emotions (including the way he looks at his contract, his father, himself etc) makes him continuously trying to endear himself to others to try and hold onto some form of happiness. It also makes him suicidal towards the welfare of others so that he doesn't focus on his own welfare at all. To him, there is no self-worth in himself.
Does that make Oz courageous? No. Oz would prefer running to solve his problems or simply dying on the spot. Oz doesn't think he could ever hurt the people dear to him, or even for that matter, people in general. He doesn't like hurting anyone and to him, he would prefer dying instead than ever pointing a sword to anyone. That doesn't mean he won't defend the people he cares for, but he'll do it by sacrificing himself rather than actually fighting back. He's afraid of rejection and being hurt by others and in that sense, he'd rather die than face up to it.
Now, all of this is still very much in Oz's subconscious. He's dimly aware of it, but he hasn't called himself on it (not untill Retrace 27). So, what does that mean in my play of Oz? For one, advice, people trying to help, people who are dear to him, will not register as "help" to Oz. In fact, it will pretty much go over his head because he doesn't want help, he doesn't understand the help given to him and in fact, to Oz, nothing about himself really feels "wrong" to him, even if it's self-destructive. He will forever remain in that fixed point of time where he was all alone in the room, crying himself away.
Does this mean Oz hasn't progressed at all in camp? I'd say there was some progress, but it was very minute. Oz will hear and understand, but he won't really understand on a deeper self-conscious level since, as I said, his self-esteem, his worth has become almost habit and not something he really considers "wrong" or "terrible for himself" even if in other people, he can see it as being "wrong". Play-wise, if I ever canon-update, I'm going to keep Oz on this sense of self-destruction since that is the only time he has a true revelation to what he is.