Comments | ozarque: Memoir; Back on Terra, postscript...

ozarque

Memoir; Back on Terra, postscript...

Nov 28, 2006 08:45

Last night I read Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, the book she wrote after the sudden death of her husband. Not an obvious good choice for someone like me, in whose extended family there has been so much sudden death; still, I have always enjoyed Didion's books and I wanted to read this one. And it turned out to be a good thing, because ( Read more... )

Comments 39

_stadtkind_ November 28 2006, 14:58:27 UTC

"Year of Magical Thinking" was the first work of Didion's that I truly connected with. It could be because of my age, or of the particular slant of journalistic education I've had, but I found stuff like "Slouching..." to be removed, despite being touted as hands-on, "gonzo" journalism.

"Year..", however, was a fantastic, moving work, that disarmed me totally. My copy is dog-eared to notate the passages that bring me to my knees-and, as such, nearly ever page is folded over.

Response to stadtkind... ozarque November 28 2006, 18:43:00 UTC

I don't think it's a book that I will be reading again -- for reasons that I'm sure are obvious, and not because I'm not a fan of Didion's work -- but I'm very glad to have read it once. And I agree with you about its quality.

all sich67 January 20 2007, 18:05:58 UTC

hello

naamah_darling November 28 2006, 15:08:23 UTC

Thank you for writing this ( ... )

Response to naamah_darling... ozarque November 28 2006, 18:53:52 UTC

You've had a hard time; I'm so sorry. I know the "horror of losing anyone else" very well, and I share it. The natural human inclination is to think, "I've had so much loss already; that should mean it won't happen to me like that again," but we all know that's not how life works.

I cannot even begin to imagine the strength it must take to live somewhere like Baghdad, or Darfur -- somewhere where every time someone you love goes out the door you know it's quite likely you won't see them again. It is of course true for all of us that we could lose someone at any moment, between one second and the next, but here in the States most of us face far better odds.

Re: Response to naamah_darling... naamah_darling November 28 2006, 19:57:57 UTC

Thank you. It should mean it won't happen again. Really, it should. But it ain't so. So the best I can do is to stand up, dust off, and try like blazes to enjoy what I have. With varying success.

I can't imagine strength like that, either. I was pulling my hair out over having a friend in Afghanistan for one year. I wished him home safe every day, I danced for it. I can only imagine how bad it would be if it had been my husband, or my child. I can't imagine the sword of Damocles hanging over the heads of those who live in dangerous places, in dangerous times, and who live with the reality of possibly losing the people closest to them every day, with no date due to come home.

How wonderful and yet terrible it is that we're all one species, a species with the potential for such strength, as well as the capacity to quite often create the nightmares that bring it to the surface. I love us. But sometimes we scare me.

hilleviw November 28 2006, 15:18:05 UTC

"Click. I am at a courthouse, getting married."

My heart nearly stopped, reading this. I can't tell you how many people I have known who have made disastrous (and occasionally life-threatening) partnerships while wandering lost in the thick shadow of grief. Aren't you just enormously lucky that husband #2 turned out to be as enormously decent as you have portrayed George to be?

Response to hilleviw.... ozarque November 28 2006, 15:32:04 UTC

Oh, yes. "Enormously lucky" for sure. And greatly blessed.

Re: Response to hilleviw.... londonbard November 29 2006, 03:32:46 UTC

I also reacted strongly to realising that "In the courthouse, getting married" was one of your "snapshot memories." I'm so glad that your inner compass directed you away from some of the hazards of that time.

(I lost every member of my own family and used to call that condition "Walking Shock". As I'm sure you know, it's not a safe state, especially if the sufferer has to deal with predators.)

jenett November 28 2006, 15:29:00 UTC

My father died when I was 15. (I'm now 31.) I recognised that my mother was in no state to do much, at some deeply unconscious level. I was a good kid anyway, but I kicked into hyper-responsible mode. That was, of the available coping mechanisms, probably the best. (I kept my grades up, etc. and thus went to great schools, did quite decently, etc. which kept a lot of options open for me that simply collapsing or avoidance mechanisms wouldn't have ( ... )

twistedchick November 28 2006, 17:26:39 UTC

I suspect the possibility of begging an extension may vary from school to school. During grad school I had a bad case of walking pneumonia one semester, while I was taking a half-semester course. I sat for the final, not knowing that if I had asked I could have had it delayed a month and could have taken it when I had some oxygen in my brain. Perhaps it is a matter of asking the right person?

I wish you all the best in this; my mother died suddenly (16 years ago next March) and I trip over memories and birthdays and significant dates and my world still shifts and shudders a little, trying to adjust to her not being there. It has taken until now for it not to feel immediate much of the time.

jenett November 28 2006, 20:28:20 UTC

I'd thought about asking for extensions - but really, I don't see the helping stuff changing much in the next couple of months, and I'd need to do the work *sometime*, right?

(Plus, one of my two classes involves quite a lot of group work - the individual stuff was the very beginning of the semester, due last week, and due 12/19, so it mostly avoided the time an extension might have been particularly handy.)

I did let my boss know, and so on, so that he knew I was likely to be somewhat pre-occupied, etc. And I made myself a promise that if my grades actually started taking a hit, I'd go talk to my relevant teachers. (I suspect they'd have been understanding, though.)

As it turns out, all those skills learning to write when I was grieving my father still kick in, and my grades have been excellent. Go figure. (I've spent more nights up late before things are due this semester than any other in my academic career - or possibly, one project aside, my entire academic career combined.)

It has taken until now for it not to feel ( ... )

ethesis November 30 2006, 04:22:56 UTC

I think you are entitled to reasonable accommodation and extensions, they are intended to help people in your situation so that they can cope, rather than be overwhelmed.

I wish you well and the best and may you have what you need. I'm glad you are doing well this semester.

Thread 10

The walking madwoman kelathefinn November 28 2006, 16:07:17 UTC

Thank you *very* much for posting this. It has happened to me. I am so *very* glad to hear that it has happened to others. I have a large slice of my life that I simply cannot remember: I have physical mementos that tell me I was doing all the right things, there are lists of marks for classes I taught, photos of family gatherings, but I have no memories of doing these things. It followed on the first real trauma and loss of my life, and lasted for *years*. It happened again, 14 years later, with another traumatic loss of someone deeply loved, but this time I knew what it was and tried to be more 'there' than the previous time. It is somehow oddly reassuring to know others have gone through it. Thanks for sharing.