I don't understand
I find myself neither happy nor sad. I'm caught in the contemplative state, wondering what fulfillment means. My perspectives have evolved over the years.
My friend cheated on his wife and asked to stay with me for a while during their separation. I prepared a room for him and he's been here for about a month now. An odd situation when I am conflicted emotionally about the whole thing. I love him as a brother, but know what it's like on the other side of his actions. I told him I love him, but not what he did. He understands. Just a strange frame of mind that revives painful memories. I've reflected on my past experiences in my marriage, being cheated on by my spouse so many times that he couldn't count how many different people. I reflect on the love I had for him and the love I thought we shared. I think about how many people I know who are unhappy in their relationships, yet inexorably drawn to fill a void in their life. "Love" has become a novel idea to me. I know what it should be. I know what love isn't anymore to people. Because of this fact, I have no desire for intimate love. I don't need the pain. I don't need the drama. I don't need the complication of daily life. I don't need the emotional rollercoaster of expectations held to one another. I'm not entirely naive though. I know that I am jaded. What I don't know is if I ever want that to go away. There is so much that I value in my single life. Then I ask myself, "Are you happy with the path your life is taking?". Am I lying to myself and convincing myself that I am happy? I just don't know.