Where am I now
It's odd how we spend so much time feeling that we're different than everyone else. That our thoughts are unique to us and that no one would understand. We feel that if someone did claim to understand our thoughts, they would be feigning understanding with silent judgements. Proceed to second guess decision to share and opt to keep thoughts to yourself. Guilt ensues for the thoughts or perspectives you feel you shouldn't have. And so goes the isolation process.
If this wasn't bad enough, you attempt to analyze your handling of these thoughts from a less subjective mindset. What does this say about me? What influenced me to reach that conclusion? Am I rationalizing or justifying myself unintentionally with the facade of legitimate objective knowledge? Am I the one judging myself needlessly when no one else knows/cares? Does everyone run their mental processes through a grinder like this?
All in all, I am happy in my life now. I feel that I have much more control over my life since my separation. That control gives me confidence and a sense of surety I haven't felt in a long time. I have been single for about 2 1/2 years. I know it's fairly common to decide that you never want another partner in your life after a bad experience, however I don't believe my resolve will be going away any time soon. I still check people out in passing and enjoy spending time with people, but I know what comes with that deepened relationship. I know that there are aspects of a relationship I don't want. I would be surrendering the solace I've come to love. I find myself happily resolute to admire the physique, but desire nothing but friendship. Strangely enough, I may fantasize about someone, but never crave physical intimacy, even if that intimacy came without the strings attached. Perhaps I'm content living in my own head? Perhaps I'm emotionally traumitized to reject physical intimacy? Either way, it isn't detracting from my quality of life so I'm content to remain this way.
If this wasn't bad enough, you attempt to analyze your handling of these thoughts from a less subjective mindset. What does this say about me? What influenced me to reach that conclusion? Am I rationalizing or justifying myself unintentionally with the facade of legitimate objective knowledge? Am I the one judging myself needlessly when no one else knows/cares? Does everyone run their mental processes through a grinder like this?
All in all, I am happy in my life now. I feel that I have much more control over my life since my separation. That control gives me confidence and a sense of surety I haven't felt in a long time. I have been single for about 2 1/2 years. I know it's fairly common to decide that you never want another partner in your life after a bad experience, however I don't believe my resolve will be going away any time soon. I still check people out in passing and enjoy spending time with people, but I know what comes with that deepened relationship. I know that there are aspects of a relationship I don't want. I would be surrendering the solace I've come to love. I find myself happily resolute to admire the physique, but desire nothing but friendship. Strangely enough, I may fantasize about someone, but never crave physical intimacy, even if that intimacy came without the strings attached. Perhaps I'm content living in my own head? Perhaps I'm emotionally traumitized to reject physical intimacy? Either way, it isn't detracting from my quality of life so I'm content to remain this way.