Wish #17 for cheights
By rhymephile for cheights
Wish #17
Request 2:
Pairing/Character(s): Any character or pairing
Keyword/Prompt Phrase: In the dark, the road was endless
Canon/AU/Either: Canon
Special Requests: A bit of angst would be good
Title: Requiem for a Sinner
Rating: PG-13 for language
Pairing: Chris Keller, Sister Pete
Author's Note: Set just before episode 4.12, "Cuts Like A Knife."
Requiem for a Sinner
At first she thought it was enough to simply hang a wreath on the outside of her office door. Its small red bow stared at her forlornly every time she came and went, the only evidence that Christmas was almost upon them in Oz.
The third time the plastic wreath jingled weakly against the printed Psychiatric Evaluation on the glass she decided she needed some lights strung up. From there she figured a few paper decorations couldn't hurt, the Baby Jesus wouldn't mind using a teacup for a crib in her improvised manger scene, and why not hang up the extra cards she'd received from the diocese thanking her for all her hard work? Of course, the only thing missing was a tree, and after a short battle with its pathetically bent wire boughs, a fake three-foot fir stood proudly -- if lopsided -- atop her bookshelf.
Sister Pete brushed aside a strand of her unruly, wiry hair and admired her work. At least the men who came to her for counseling would feel a touch of the holiday spirit. It wasn't Rockefeller Center, but for Em City a little cheer went a long way.
"Your tree is crooked, Sister," came a voice from the doorway.
She steeled herself before she faced him, knowing exactly who she'd see standing there with that trademark grin on his face.
"Hello, Chris."
"You gonna fix it?"
"I just put it up. It's not even decorated yet." She crossed her arms and finally turned around. "And what do you want?"
"Merry Christmas to you too," he said, strutting into the room.
Her scowl was obvious, so he held his hands up in mock surrender. "Murph is right outside, aren't you, Murph, you cocksucker?"
Murphy yelled something back but it was drowned out by Pete's annoyed sigh. "Chris, honestly. That mouth of yours."
"Cursin' ain't all it's good for," he replied, smirking.
"Yes, well, I'd rather not hear about it, thank you very much."
"Anything for you, Sister. Besides, my stories would uncurl your hair."
He walked over to the computer desk, where she had placed the box of decorations for the tree.
"Is there a reason you're here or did you just come to bother me?"
"I came to help decorate."
"Chris."
"Guilty, as usual, Sister," he grinned, picking up a string of tangled lights from the box. "Felt like talkin', I guess."
Of all the prisoners she had ever counseled, Chris Keller was a shining example of what not to do when dealing with dangerous men. He was sly and manipulative, with a sexy leer and blue eyes that made her blush if she stared at them long enough. Smarter than he looked, he knew exactly how much to reveal to get her sympathy, and how to answer her questions by bending the truth to suit himself.
What made him frightening was how easily he gained her confidence. Pete was trained to me impartial yet professional, to listen without judgment or opinion. Keller, on the other hand, used therapy as a means to an end. He never intended to unburden himself; rather, he sought out Pete's because he thought she was vulnerable. Never before had she met someone who violated the tenets of therapy so blatantly, and it made her angry that she believed him. After Keller, her entire life was thrown into disarray.
Doubt reigned for some time, and she considered leaving her vocation. Eventually she decided she was better off staying to help the men who wanted help. Keller had made her question everything she knew, but in the end she had come out stronger for it. It challenged her and made her realize she had indeed made the right choice to remain a nun and psychologist, and she had told him so. Now her anger had subsided, although a part of her still held on to a distinct bitterness for what he had done.
"Did you hear what I just said?" Keller asked.
"Yes, and you can help decorate the tree as long as you're here for a legitimate reason."
He looked up at her from the twisted bundle of lights he held. "I'm not lyin', Sister. I wanted to talk."
"All right, Chris," she said, sitting down behind her desk. "I'm listening."
"Y'know how we were talking about how God chooses us?"
"Yes, of course."
"What do you think you actually have to do to have that happen?"
He went back to untangling the lights while she mulled her answer. She knew how she trusted in God and relied on her religion to get her through difficult moments in her life, but to communicate that to someone facing life in prison was challenging.
"I think you have to live your life honestly, Chris. Admit your failings and open your heart. Do good instead of evil. Accept that God forgives all wrongs and if you are truly repentant, you can be forgiven."
Keller walked over to the tree and began to string the lights. "You make it sound so simple, Sister. Life is complicated as shit."
"Oh, I don't disagree. But you can strive to make better choices every day, to be honest and clear-headed, which will bring you closer to having God in your heart."
"What if you choose to lie?"
She knew him well enough to know that when he grinned the way he was doing now, it was always more than a simple question. She cocked her head. "What's this about, Chris? Is there something else going on?"
"Nah, just makin' conversation."
"Why would you choose to lie, may I ask?"
"For the greater good," he answered simply.
"The greater good, hmm? We both know that's not likely coming from you."
Keller actually laughed. "Damn, Sister, you do not bullshit."
"I like to think I know you fairly well, after what you put me through."
She watched him sober quickly. After all that time they spent together, Pete felt that there were moments in which the repressed -- and human -- side of Chris Keller shined through. They were few and far between.
"I already apologized for that," he stated flatly.
"You did. That doesn't mean I completely forgive you."
"You're a nun. You're supposed to forgive."
"I'm a human being with feelings and emotions, too. I only have to do what I feel comfortable doing. The nun has to forgive you. Peter Marie doesn't."
Keller walked back to the desk and picked up the box of ornaments. "Then tell me who to talk to."
"Answer the original question first. Tell me why you would lie."
"Love," he shrugged.
"Tobias."
"If there's shit goin' down that you know could be stopped by not exactly telling the truth, would you do it?"
"We're not talking about me, Chris."
"Maybe the nun Pete wouldn't lie," he said, looking up at her from hanging a red ball on the tree. "But what about the woman Pete? The one who ain't in Oz every day and don't have to deal with all this fucked-up mess. The human one. Would she?"
In that moment she could see it -- the part of him that was underneath all the bluster and narcissism and manipulation. The bits of Chris Keller she imagined only certain people got to see, like Tobias.
She sighed. "I don't know, Chris. Perhaps. I would probably pray for help with an answer."
"I don't gotta pray. I got you."
"I can't give you all the answers. Praying couldn't hurt."
"God ain't listening to me, Sister," he said, hanging the tinsel. "We're all walkin' one long, dark road here in Oz. God has better things to do."
"I don't think that's the case. If you're asking whether or not a choice is correct, you might be surprised if you listen closely enough. He may answer you."
"I don't have time to wait that long."
"Then listen to what your heart tells you."
Keller reached down to the metal trunk of the tree and forcibly bent it so that it was no longer leaning to one side. He then adjusted a piece of tinsel that has become lopsided. "Lately my heart is the one doin' all the thinkin' for me."
"Because of Tobias?"
He nodded. "You know how Tobe is. Always wantin' to do the right thing."
"I do."
"And when he gets like this I can't get through to him. He forgets where he is."
"Where he is?"
"Oz. It's never black and white in here, Sister, you know that. It's red. And I don't want...I don't want to see him gettin' hurt anymore if I can do something about it, y'know?"
She knew how much he cared about Tobias, which set off alarm bells in her head.
"Chris, now, please don't do something you'll regret."
"When have I ever?" he asked, smiling.
"If you're thinking about hurting someone..."
"Oh, that happens every day."
"I'm being serious."
"So am I."
"Chris, please listen to me. Whatever is happening, talking is the first step --"
"Yeah, I tried that. This shit that's goin' down...I tried explainin' it to Toby, but he don't want to listen to reason. Sometimes I forget he was ever on the outside."
"What does that mean?"
"Toby was always different, never a real criminal. Not like the rest of us fucks. He used to have a conscience before he came inside, misplaced it, and then sometimes he remembers he has one and makes my life difficult."
"What are you going to do?"
"Don't worry, Sister, you won't have to pray for my soul."
"I do anyway."
"Then I hope someone's listening."
Keller placed the dented star at the top of the tree and plugged it in. With the exception of a few missing bulbs on the ancient strand of lights, it didn't look half bad. She admired the tree and the warmth it brought to the office. Anything to brighten the dreary existence of Oz was welcome.
"Thank you, Chris. It's lovely."
"Yeah, I better be gettin' back. I know Murph is probably missin' me."
The CO rolled his eyes from outside of the door.
"Chris..."
"Yeah, Sister?"
"We're having a midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. I'll tell McManus you're invited, and you're welcome to join us, if you'd like."
He wasn't completely forgiven, but she was making an earnest effort. She knew she would be better off putting aside the resentment she still felt over what he had done.
"I'll think about it."
Murphy came into the room and ushered Keller forward with a tap of his hand on Keller's shoulder.
"Chris, I think you can have God in your life, if you want it badly enough," Sister Pete said. "Do right by yourself and He'll listen."
He grinned back at her. "Sorry, Sister. I do everything for love. My life ain't worth shit."
Keller turned around and Murphy followed him from the office, and closed the door behind them.
She looked up at the crucifix staring down at her. Now was a good a time as any to ask for a little help with Chris Keller's soul. She blessed herself and began to pray.
End