(no subject)
Ha! Organized Living is going out of business, so I picked up some stuff to get me organized. Well, ostensibly. Alas, organized != clean, especially for me. Mostly organized is essential just because of the sheer amount of stuff I have. *clings to stuff*
I woke up feeling a bit fat today, mostly because I could not wear a skirt I wanted to wear. This is vaguely troubling because I only bought said skirt last year, during a skirt-buying spree that started precisley because I had outgrown my shorts. Ugh. I ended up switching outfits but still feeling vaguely fat all day and feeling guilt about not exercising or anything.
And then I tried very hard to shake myself out of it. It's strange, but a large part of that is due to having a bulimic roommate. I feel like I could so easily fall into that pattern of thought, though I suspect I don't think I would get to the point of acting on that pattern of thought. It's not difficult at all, that's the frightening thing. Back at home, I am a size L and most of the time I can't even find a pair of pants that fits me. My sister and my mother both talk about weight a LOT, and my mom and every other auntie will comment first on someone's weight the second they see them after a while. I mean, it does give me a bit of an ego-boost to hear thta I've lost weight, but just the fact that that does, just the fact that it is pointed out and discussed by every single person... urgh. And it's not just that. It's that when I talk about meeting old friends, one of the first questions my mom will ask is how they look (aka have they gained or lost weight), particularly for people my mom thinks of as overweight.
And right now she is stressing that her emphasis on exercise is for health, but it is hard to have that just in my mind when the weight issue is brought up all the time. Also, just to give people an idea of how it is, my mom has been taking my sister to some sort of weight-loss specialist person who using some suction thing on your skin (hurts like hell) for years now. This is, btw, fairly normal among the people I hang out with back at home.
Having fannisly here constantly talking about the need to be thin and the desire to be thin and the absolute beauty of thinness I think could have easily pushed me toward that end. It wouldn't have been that difficult, given that I tend to start griping about my weight and my size and who is fatter than who whenever I go back home or go shopping. But instead, hearing her talk about these things, and just looking at her -- my gosh. It really scares me. Because here is this really quite beautiful, nice, smart girl who is by no definition of the word fat continually watching what she eats and counting calories and prior to that, doing some pretty unhealthy things to her body just to be thin. And so, in ironic contrast, I think I have been thinking less about weight and thinness than I ever have before, albeit in a very conscious manner.
So I have been very consciously trying not to talk about who is thinner or not as thin as who, or complain about sizes when shopping (a la, I am so fat I cannot wear this, woe!), or to calculate how fatty or non-fatty foods are. And sometimes I have to keep myself from feeling envious when fannishly mentions that she has lost weight, she doesn't fit some of her clothes, would I like them? Because I don't ever want to be in that space of mind where I am calculating things to lose weight, when that's all I can see of myself in the mirror.
It is actually rather difficult, probably because I have had these ways of thinking about my body reinforced for a decade or so by family and close friends and society. But every time I don't fit something when I go shopping, I try to lay the blame at the designers' feet instead of mine; the clothes aren't cut for someone with my body shape. It's not that my body shape is wrong, it's that I just have to find the right clothes that are cut with someone with my body shape. Similarly, if I don't look good in something, the trick isn't to go about and make myself feel bad in the dressing room (all too easy), but to muster up the energy to find something that does look good. Because there are things that look good on me, and so, it can't be my body that is entirely wrong. And when I eat, I try very hard to just think about if the food is healthy or not, not how fat it is or how many calories it has. I do try to eat healthy. Well, I'm not actually sure if it is healthy or not, but I try not to eat overly processed foods, just because I don't think they taste as good. And you know, I refuse to give up desserts and chocolate and yummy things to eat. I am trying much more to eat when I feel like eating, to make sure that I eat regularly, because my stomach complains loudly if I don't. I also try to eat what I feel like eating, so that I don't just munch on things because they're sitting there. I am of two minds about exercise. I know it's good, but if I put pressure on myself to exercise, I tend to start on the whole "OMG I am too fat, look at how much my stomach sticks out and my thighs are too wide and my arms are flabby and why am I not skinnier," which is not a nice place to be.
I think I am writing this all down here not to get reassurances as to not being fat -- objectively, I know I am not fat. Ok, maybe I don't fit some of my clothes from earlier, but you know what, it happens. I refuse to angst over that (well, with the exception of having to buy new clothes, which is honestly annoying, but the same would have to happen if I lost weight too). But "objectively" doesn't really cover that little voice in my head that tells me I am fat, that I look awful, etc. So I am trying instead to change aforementioned pattern of thinking so that I don't think of things in terms of "thin," and so that I don't think in terms that equate thin with beauty or with happiness. And part of it is watching fannishly gain and lose weight; just the very process of actually deciding on a weight to be and working toward it is not quite understandable to me, nor do I particularly want it to be. I think it does tend to make me not such a great listener sometimes (or often), because I can't sympathize with it, and I am rather afraid to let myself sympathize it. I know how easily I could fall into that mindset, and that's somewhere I really, really don't want to go. And so, while I can admire the way Angelina Jolie looks on screen, I am trying to do so without comparing her to me -- she has a different lifestyle than me, possibly a different body type. Also, I probably look cuter in fifties clothes than she does because I have hips, so there! Neener ;).
I woke up feeling a bit fat today, mostly because I could not wear a skirt I wanted to wear. This is vaguely troubling because I only bought said skirt last year, during a skirt-buying spree that started precisley because I had outgrown my shorts. Ugh. I ended up switching outfits but still feeling vaguely fat all day and feeling guilt about not exercising or anything.
And then I tried very hard to shake myself out of it. It's strange, but a large part of that is due to having a bulimic roommate. I feel like I could so easily fall into that pattern of thought, though I suspect I don't think I would get to the point of acting on that pattern of thought. It's not difficult at all, that's the frightening thing. Back at home, I am a size L and most of the time I can't even find a pair of pants that fits me. My sister and my mother both talk about weight a LOT, and my mom and every other auntie will comment first on someone's weight the second they see them after a while. I mean, it does give me a bit of an ego-boost to hear thta I've lost weight, but just the fact that that does, just the fact that it is pointed out and discussed by every single person... urgh. And it's not just that. It's that when I talk about meeting old friends, one of the first questions my mom will ask is how they look (aka have they gained or lost weight), particularly for people my mom thinks of as overweight.
And right now she is stressing that her emphasis on exercise is for health, but it is hard to have that just in my mind when the weight issue is brought up all the time. Also, just to give people an idea of how it is, my mom has been taking my sister to some sort of weight-loss specialist person who using some suction thing on your skin (hurts like hell) for years now. This is, btw, fairly normal among the people I hang out with back at home.
Having fannisly here constantly talking about the need to be thin and the desire to be thin and the absolute beauty of thinness I think could have easily pushed me toward that end. It wouldn't have been that difficult, given that I tend to start griping about my weight and my size and who is fatter than who whenever I go back home or go shopping. But instead, hearing her talk about these things, and just looking at her -- my gosh. It really scares me. Because here is this really quite beautiful, nice, smart girl who is by no definition of the word fat continually watching what she eats and counting calories and prior to that, doing some pretty unhealthy things to her body just to be thin. And so, in ironic contrast, I think I have been thinking less about weight and thinness than I ever have before, albeit in a very conscious manner.
So I have been very consciously trying not to talk about who is thinner or not as thin as who, or complain about sizes when shopping (a la, I am so fat I cannot wear this, woe!), or to calculate how fatty or non-fatty foods are. And sometimes I have to keep myself from feeling envious when fannishly mentions that she has lost weight, she doesn't fit some of her clothes, would I like them? Because I don't ever want to be in that space of mind where I am calculating things to lose weight, when that's all I can see of myself in the mirror.
It is actually rather difficult, probably because I have had these ways of thinking about my body reinforced for a decade or so by family and close friends and society. But every time I don't fit something when I go shopping, I try to lay the blame at the designers' feet instead of mine; the clothes aren't cut for someone with my body shape. It's not that my body shape is wrong, it's that I just have to find the right clothes that are cut with someone with my body shape. Similarly, if I don't look good in something, the trick isn't to go about and make myself feel bad in the dressing room (all too easy), but to muster up the energy to find something that does look good. Because there are things that look good on me, and so, it can't be my body that is entirely wrong. And when I eat, I try very hard to just think about if the food is healthy or not, not how fat it is or how many calories it has. I do try to eat healthy. Well, I'm not actually sure if it is healthy or not, but I try not to eat overly processed foods, just because I don't think they taste as good. And you know, I refuse to give up desserts and chocolate and yummy things to eat. I am trying much more to eat when I feel like eating, to make sure that I eat regularly, because my stomach complains loudly if I don't. I also try to eat what I feel like eating, so that I don't just munch on things because they're sitting there. I am of two minds about exercise. I know it's good, but if I put pressure on myself to exercise, I tend to start on the whole "OMG I am too fat, look at how much my stomach sticks out and my thighs are too wide and my arms are flabby and why am I not skinnier," which is not a nice place to be.
I think I am writing this all down here not to get reassurances as to not being fat -- objectively, I know I am not fat. Ok, maybe I don't fit some of my clothes from earlier, but you know what, it happens. I refuse to angst over that (well, with the exception of having to buy new clothes, which is honestly annoying, but the same would have to happen if I lost weight too). But "objectively" doesn't really cover that little voice in my head that tells me I am fat, that I look awful, etc. So I am trying instead to change aforementioned pattern of thinking so that I don't think of things in terms of "thin," and so that I don't think in terms that equate thin with beauty or with happiness. And part of it is watching fannishly gain and lose weight; just the very process of actually deciding on a weight to be and working toward it is not quite understandable to me, nor do I particularly want it to be. I think it does tend to make me not such a great listener sometimes (or often), because I can't sympathize with it, and I am rather afraid to let myself sympathize it. I know how easily I could fall into that mindset, and that's somewhere I really, really don't want to go. And so, while I can admire the way Angelina Jolie looks on screen, I am trying to do so without comparing her to me -- she has a different lifestyle than me, possibly a different body type. Also, I probably look cuter in fifties clothes than she does because I have hips, so there! Neener ;).