Rules for Romance Novel Heroes

[oyceter]

General disclaimer: I mock because I love. Well, actually, I only partially mock because I love. The other part mocks because I want to love, but I am angry and constantly irked about gender role stereotypes in romance novels and even more irritated that many romances that step out of said stereotypes end up being lambasted as "unromantic."

And hey, please feel free to comment and add more rules!

General:

• You must have black hair. Blonde is a very distant second. Anything else is right out.
• You must be handsome as sin/the devil/Satan/Lucifer. Just plain handsome is not good enough. You must be so devilishly handsome or even beautiful (as long as it is sinfully so) that the very sight of you makes the heroine weak-kneed and inspires thoughts of Eden and temptation and actions "as old as sin" or thoughts "as knowing as Eve."
• Eye color is optional, though supernatural jewel tones or metals seem to be quite popular.
• You may never have the same hair or eye color as the heroine.
• You must radiate masculinity and manliness; as such, you must be at least a head taller than the heroine and your hands on her waist must immediately evoke comparisons of how dark and hairy you are and how your giant paw makes her waist look tiny.
• You must be perfectly dressed, but not enough to be foppish, or ruggedly ragged, but not enough to be truly dirty.
  • Your clothes must never hide your manly, muscled form.
• You must be willing to give the heroine several lessons in Sex 101.
• You must never allow the heroine to give you a blow job.
  • If you are weak and relent, you must never let her swallow.
• You must always stay in control during sex scenes.
• You must always give the heroine the best sex of her life.
• Any frustration felt due to denial of said sex must always be the heroine's fault for being so attractive; you cannot be held responsible for your own
  
• You must perpetually confuse your libido with your heart, meaning that whoever inspires you to lust as you have never lusted before is your One True Love.
• When you find your One True Love, you must let no obstacle stand in the way, including her own protests, no matter how reasonable. Your role is to steamroll any objections and forcibly carry her off against her will if need be. She will not be your One True Love if she finds this objectionable.
• You must deny all emotional attraction. Acceptable reasons are:
  
  • You hate women
  • You were betrayed by a woman
  • You think all women only want you for your title
  • You think all women only want you for your money
  • You think all women only want you for your body
  • Your mother was evil and whorish
  • You were abused as a child
  • You are so battle-weary and hardened that you think emotions are weaknesses
  • You are so cynical and hardened that you think emotions are weaknesses
  • You are relatively well-adjusted but you think emotions are weaknesses anyway
  • You don't want children because emotions are weaknesses and said children will only be killed anyway
• You must never trust the heroine.
• You must always assume that "no" means "yes."
• You must have an angsty past. To deal with said angsty past, you must screw around as much as possible and disrespect woman.
  
  • After falling in love with the heroine, you will continue to disrespect all women but her, as she will be the exception that proves rule.
• When a woman betrays you, you must automatically assume that every woman is evil. If a man betrays you, you may only blame the individual man.
• You must exude power so that the heroine can feel small and feminine.

If you star in a historical:

• You must be handsome, but anachronistically so. No powdered wigs, no handlebar mustaches, no overgrown sideburns.
• You must be the most eligible bachelor ever, despite your rakish reputation, because you are devilishly good-looking and have oodles of money and a lovely title.
• You must have scads of people pressuring you to have an heir.
• You must never go into Almack's so that you can prove your undeniable attraction to the heroine by going there for her despite all the matchmaking aunts.
• You must waltz.
• You must hide your heart of gold by treating the servants nicely.

If you star in a contemporary:

• Your choice of professions are:
  
  • Business tycoon
  • Any profession with a uniform
    • Corollary: This means you will be in a dangerous situation. The One True Love will inevitably get in the way of your doing your job.
  • An artist/writer/bohemian type person
• You must conveniently forget about birth control for fear of ruining the mood

If you star in a trilogy/series:

• You will find yourself showing up with a baby and/or a pregnant wife in the next few books, despite all previous comments about not wanting children or having a lifestyle singularly unsuited to children.
• You and your brothers and/or friends will each be the most testosterone-laden, manly men the heroines have ever met. God help you if you all get in one room, as the manly man competition might kill everyone involved.
• If you are in a trilogy, you and your brothers/friends will each be one of these types:
  
  • Drop-dead gorgeous as sin alpha male
  • Ruggedly handsome, less finesse but more testosterone-laden alpha male
  • Slightly dandified (but not enough to cast doubt on one's precious masculinity) and sly alpha male
  These categories may be difficult to distinguish between, but they are necessary so that the heroines of the series do not get confused by all the sinfully handsome, raven-haired, testosterone-oozing men. You will not have a problem distinguishing among the heroines, as they will all have different colored hair and be either sexy, intelligent/practical, or kind.


Previously seen on my LJ:
Rules for Romance Novel Heroines