F-ck ya'll and this popcicle stand

Dec 03, 2006 03:49


Today was the day I realized that I need to quit my job.  I've been wanting to and thinking about it but today I realized I have to actually do it.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened, just the usual bullshit I've gone thought a dozen times before and it occurred to me that I don't want to do it a dozen + 1 if I don't need to.

Work makes me depressed.  I know some of you are thinking "what work doesn't?" but I'm not saying this to be cheeky.  I actually think I've developed depression as a result of this job.  I can't get to sleep until after 4 a.m. most nights and I feel like dying to try and wake up before 1 p.m.  The days I go to work consist of sleeping, working, an hour and half of driving, with a couple hours of down time mixed in.  When I started work I was a size 8 now, I think, I could fit into a size 2.  I barely eat a full meal every couple days and I’m almost never hungry anymore.  Sometimes I feel dizzy.  The days I'm off I don't even enjoy myself because I know I'm just going to have to go back to work.

Really the days I feel most depressed are the ones when I'm off.  Isn't that sad?

I started crying today when I was doing laundry and folding clothes for work.  That can't be normal.  My Mom wanted to know what was wrong and offered me the following tid-bits of sympathy and wisdom:

"It's called 'work', not 'fun'."

Right, it's called work, not 'soul-crushing'.

"If it's such stress for you to see Erek then he should make a better effort to see you."

When?  On the weekends when I work 2:30 to 10:30?  What kind of quality time are we supposed to have when I'm not around for almost 10 hours of the day?

“I know you want to be a writer and make a living off that’s not exactly realistic.”

All things considering I think I subscribe pretty well to reality.  I have held down a job I have never liked for over a year so I could receive a paycheck and fill the hours.  I didn’t go the starving artist route and I resent that because I have an aspiration that you can’t send a resume in for that it’s made to sound like a ludicrous endeavor.

"Maybe you should use the medical benefits from the job you have and see a doctor about getting something to make you less depressed."

So, rather than change a situation that we know is making me unhappy I should just medicate myself so I can drone one through numbly and with less complaint?

“You’re 24 years old.  What do you have to be depressed about?  When you have a mortgage to pay, children to take care of, and other responsibilities then you’ll know what depression is.”

Right.  Depending on your age-bracket life is automatically perfect and you’re a fool to think otherwise.

“I don’t know what answer you expect me to tell you.”

I wasn’t looking for an answer, Mom, just some sympathy.

I know work isn’t supposed to be great all the time but I feel like I’m wasting away - emotionally, physically, mentally, maybe all of the above.  I don’t feel like myself anymore.

If it’s feasible I’m going to put in my two weeks notice, take a breath and focus my energy on finding a job to make me happy.  If I can’t find something ideal in a month or so of my old job ending I’ll take up part-time work until I find something that does suit me.

At least I’ll be with Erek, who actually knows how to offer a little love and support for no other reason than I can.

At least I’ll get to see my friends Jen and Matt who will tell me that I should try to make myself happy and healthy and they’ll help me do that whenever and wherever they can, without reservation or judgment.

At least I’ll be eating and sleeping and not feel like crying every single day.

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