No true north
My last year in grad school in Illinois, circa 2001, a few of my fellow grad students were going to attend a conference in Pittsburgh, and they came to me for tips on navigating Da Burgh.
Fellow Grad Student: We’re flying in, and then we’re going to rent a car.
Me: I can’t let you do that.
FGS: It can’t be that bad…
Me: You’re from a city in Wisconsin that’s built on a grid. Go north three blocks and then east five blocks actually gets you from point A to Point B.
FGS: uh-huh
Me: That’s not how Pittsburgh works. The four directions in Pittsburgh are uphill, downhill, towards the river, and away from the river.
FGS: Still…
Me: But there’s more than one hill and more than one river.
FGS: …
Me: Also, some streets are one way for no good reason.
FGS: Still…
Me: And the same stretch of road can change names three times in a mile. Honestly, I’m afraid that you’d get so lost I’d never see you again.
FGS: You’re exaggerating.
Me: I guess. I mean, I WOULD see you again. But, like, five years from now, I’d be visiting and run into you. You’d tell me that you got so lost you just decided to start life anew in Pittsburgh.
FGS: …
Me: I mean, it’s probably how many people ended up there in the first place.
While my fellow grad students did not end up renting a car, they still managed to get lost, but they found their way back to Illinois.
Fellow Grad Student: We’re flying in, and then we’re going to rent a car.
Me: I can’t let you do that.
FGS: It can’t be that bad…
Me: You’re from a city in Wisconsin that’s built on a grid. Go north three blocks and then east five blocks actually gets you from point A to Point B.
FGS: uh-huh
Me: That’s not how Pittsburgh works. The four directions in Pittsburgh are uphill, downhill, towards the river, and away from the river.
FGS: Still…
Me: But there’s more than one hill and more than one river.
FGS: …
Me: Also, some streets are one way for no good reason.
FGS: Still…
Me: And the same stretch of road can change names three times in a mile. Honestly, I’m afraid that you’d get so lost I’d never see you again.
FGS: You’re exaggerating.
Me: I guess. I mean, I WOULD see you again. But, like, five years from now, I’d be visiting and run into you. You’d tell me that you got so lost you just decided to start life anew in Pittsburgh.
FGS: …
Me: I mean, it’s probably how many people ended up there in the first place.
While my fellow grad students did not end up renting a car, they still managed to get lost, but they found their way back to Illinois.