this is what it looks like for me to be alive right now
i went to bed last night with a lot of anger. anger towards my job, and things that were going wrong against my will. anger towards the people in my life who were taking more than they were giving only because i was allowing it. anger. so i had arguments in my head. the kind of arguments that i don't have enough courage to have out loud. i raged. i said things that were true and fair. things that enabled me to feel kinder towards myself. and even though these arguments weren't voiced out-loud, i had the best night of sleep i've had in weeks.
11am. i rolled out of bed with 10 hours of solid rest under my belt and was ready to take on the day. not just any day, though. this day. my first day off in a long time where i really felt as though i was open to something new and exciting. so i took my clothes off. all of my clothes. i took a long bath, and took a good long look at a fashion magazine and tried to figure out why exactly it was that i was so ashamed of my size 10 body (that's right, on any given day i weigh anywhere from 150-160lbs). i decided that it wasn't the size. it was the baggage that had gotten me there. the alcohol. the cigarettes. the cupcakes and ice-cream just before bed-time. the size had very little to do with what i was dissatisfied with, it was the all of the stress that i had put myself in the way of that has led me to excessive drinking and all-around poor eating habits.
as i dried myself...
good god, my "skinny jeans", the ones i put on last week and somehow magically fit into, the ones i haven't been able to wear for over a year, just ripped some more. they have holes in both of the inner thighs. and as i just sat down on my bed, the left leg ripped open even more. i love my thigh fat. today, i love my thigh fat. why? because i'm angry. i'm angry at the idea of feeling weak and for settling for sex alone instead of the idea of someone who might eventually love me along with all of my flaws. i've got great flaws. colorful ones. like my inability to voice my insecurities until they are eating away at my core, then i erupt into this non-sensical bitch who speaks irrate-jibberish as if were a fluent language. i am amazing. self-involved with a hint of awareness that everyone else deserves just as much attention as i give myself.
...so yes, drying myself. i got out of the tub and realized that i wasn't ready for clothing. it's such a chore to pick out clothes. so i simply decided that i would bypass that part of my day for now. i went to my room in a towel, and locked my door. i had sewing to do. and music that i wanted to be a part of my morning, so i did those things. took it all in. in the nude. it was kind of scary. every couple of minutes i would look down at my body. the way my thighs gathered up into themselves while i sat cross-legged on the floor. "gross", i thought. but i couldn't leave it at that. suddenly i was obsessed with my stretch marks. these indents in my skin that years of gaining weight and then losing it had brought me. i took the index finger of my left hand and followed along them. they are zig-zagged. and forever a part of me now. i was annoyed by them. then angered. my finger pushed harshly against them as my mind wished away all of the late night "snacks" that i had taken part in. but then i stalled. for no good reason. it wasn't a sound mind that caused me to be gentler on myself. it was nothing. it was simply a note to myself that my skin is soft. i.have.soft.skin. it wasn't much. but it was something. i started to feel the rest of me. my stomach. my legs. my neck. it was romantic. so i let everything else go, and entertained the idea that "this is what it looks for me to be alive right now".
this is a new verse. something that melissa brought up a few days ago that has caused a lot of self-reflection for me. this is my body. i have gained weight in the past because of the way i was dealing with certain issues. i have had meaningless sex becaues this is the way i deal with my self-esteem. i cry sometimes for no reason at all because this is how my body reclaims it's right to feel something, anything at all. this is, indeed, what it looks like for me to be alive right now.
after my sewing was finished i decided to get dressed. the sun was out and even though it was cold outside, there were things i wanted to do. i went to a children's book store and finally bought a set of book shelves (strangely enough this store was selling furniture along with it's vintage copies of "the hardy boys"). the woman that i handed my credit card to had a deep southern accent. i almost cried. nothing is more romantic to me than the south.
my new shelves are pink. owning pink is a recent adjustment to my life.
i carried my shelves two blocks home and then got into meilssa's car to go with her to spend the day with her nieces. in my backpack i had packed somewhat of a miss-matched bathing suit. tuesdays are an optional swimming day for them. i was encouraged by the idea of "softness" and decided that today was as good a day as any to show off my stretch-marks. but the pool was closed. melissa, sinead (age 2), fiona (age 4), and i walked back to the girls' house from the closed community center with a new plan. we decided to head off to edmonds and spend the afternoon on the beach of the puget sound. while we were walking i told melissa that i had to go to the bathroom. fiona, who i was carrying at the time, told me that i could go when we got to the beach. melissa reminded her that there wasn't really a bathroom there. fiona took up my face into her tiny hands and looked intensely into my eyes, "you can pee in the sand", she whispered. i smiled. "that's true", i said, "i can pee in the sand".
melissa and i spent a good hour on a blanket on the beach. fiona and sinead had made friends with a girl who was digging an impressive hole in the sand, and we were left alone to talk freely. this was the first afternoon in some time where i felt strong enough to talk freely about my emotions. i told melissa about a friend of mine who was wearing me thin. i told her of his strikes against me. and how i was learning to be angry. and in my anger i was feeling done with it all. it felt good and raw to be angry in the sun. like i was young and naive enough to go on a whim. ...do you have to be young to do that? maybe it is more about not being to the point in my life where i let people get away with treating me as though i'd be there for them whenever they needed it, no matter how much they mis-treated me.
the sun is down now. it's late. and what i've got to say for the day is this, i have had it with being weak. i'm going to pee in the sand no matter what anyone thinks of it.
11am. i rolled out of bed with 10 hours of solid rest under my belt and was ready to take on the day. not just any day, though. this day. my first day off in a long time where i really felt as though i was open to something new and exciting. so i took my clothes off. all of my clothes. i took a long bath, and took a good long look at a fashion magazine and tried to figure out why exactly it was that i was so ashamed of my size 10 body (that's right, on any given day i weigh anywhere from 150-160lbs). i decided that it wasn't the size. it was the baggage that had gotten me there. the alcohol. the cigarettes. the cupcakes and ice-cream just before bed-time. the size had very little to do with what i was dissatisfied with, it was the all of the stress that i had put myself in the way of that has led me to excessive drinking and all-around poor eating habits.
as i dried myself...
good god, my "skinny jeans", the ones i put on last week and somehow magically fit into, the ones i haven't been able to wear for over a year, just ripped some more. they have holes in both of the inner thighs. and as i just sat down on my bed, the left leg ripped open even more. i love my thigh fat. today, i love my thigh fat. why? because i'm angry. i'm angry at the idea of feeling weak and for settling for sex alone instead of the idea of someone who might eventually love me along with all of my flaws. i've got great flaws. colorful ones. like my inability to voice my insecurities until they are eating away at my core, then i erupt into this non-sensical bitch who speaks irrate-jibberish as if were a fluent language. i am amazing. self-involved with a hint of awareness that everyone else deserves just as much attention as i give myself.
...so yes, drying myself. i got out of the tub and realized that i wasn't ready for clothing. it's such a chore to pick out clothes. so i simply decided that i would bypass that part of my day for now. i went to my room in a towel, and locked my door. i had sewing to do. and music that i wanted to be a part of my morning, so i did those things. took it all in. in the nude. it was kind of scary. every couple of minutes i would look down at my body. the way my thighs gathered up into themselves while i sat cross-legged on the floor. "gross", i thought. but i couldn't leave it at that. suddenly i was obsessed with my stretch marks. these indents in my skin that years of gaining weight and then losing it had brought me. i took the index finger of my left hand and followed along them. they are zig-zagged. and forever a part of me now. i was annoyed by them. then angered. my finger pushed harshly against them as my mind wished away all of the late night "snacks" that i had taken part in. but then i stalled. for no good reason. it wasn't a sound mind that caused me to be gentler on myself. it was nothing. it was simply a note to myself that my skin is soft. i.have.soft.skin. it wasn't much. but it was something. i started to feel the rest of me. my stomach. my legs. my neck. it was romantic. so i let everything else go, and entertained the idea that "this is what it looks for me to be alive right now".
this is a new verse. something that melissa brought up a few days ago that has caused a lot of self-reflection for me. this is my body. i have gained weight in the past because of the way i was dealing with certain issues. i have had meaningless sex becaues this is the way i deal with my self-esteem. i cry sometimes for no reason at all because this is how my body reclaims it's right to feel something, anything at all. this is, indeed, what it looks like for me to be alive right now.
after my sewing was finished i decided to get dressed. the sun was out and even though it was cold outside, there were things i wanted to do. i went to a children's book store and finally bought a set of book shelves (strangely enough this store was selling furniture along with it's vintage copies of "the hardy boys"). the woman that i handed my credit card to had a deep southern accent. i almost cried. nothing is more romantic to me than the south.
my new shelves are pink. owning pink is a recent adjustment to my life.
i carried my shelves two blocks home and then got into meilssa's car to go with her to spend the day with her nieces. in my backpack i had packed somewhat of a miss-matched bathing suit. tuesdays are an optional swimming day for them. i was encouraged by the idea of "softness" and decided that today was as good a day as any to show off my stretch-marks. but the pool was closed. melissa, sinead (age 2), fiona (age 4), and i walked back to the girls' house from the closed community center with a new plan. we decided to head off to edmonds and spend the afternoon on the beach of the puget sound. while we were walking i told melissa that i had to go to the bathroom. fiona, who i was carrying at the time, told me that i could go when we got to the beach. melissa reminded her that there wasn't really a bathroom there. fiona took up my face into her tiny hands and looked intensely into my eyes, "you can pee in the sand", she whispered. i smiled. "that's true", i said, "i can pee in the sand".
melissa and i spent a good hour on a blanket on the beach. fiona and sinead had made friends with a girl who was digging an impressive hole in the sand, and we were left alone to talk freely. this was the first afternoon in some time where i felt strong enough to talk freely about my emotions. i told melissa about a friend of mine who was wearing me thin. i told her of his strikes against me. and how i was learning to be angry. and in my anger i was feeling done with it all. it felt good and raw to be angry in the sun. like i was young and naive enough to go on a whim. ...do you have to be young to do that? maybe it is more about not being to the point in my life where i let people get away with treating me as though i'd be there for them whenever they needed it, no matter how much they mis-treated me.
the sun is down now. it's late. and what i've got to say for the day is this, i have had it with being weak. i'm going to pee in the sand no matter what anyone thinks of it.