"out from my window, across from the city, i have what's considered a good view..."
melissa and i lost touch shortly after i left vermont and the summer of 2003 behind. one or both of us had gotten different cell phones and had never exchanged email addresses. but somehow we were reconnected. a go-between found me and gave my information to her. shortly thereafter she drove up from orlando to meet me in savannah where i was living at the time. to this day it remains as one of my nicest memories. being reunited with her in that town. one of the last things we did before she left was walk down to the park near my house and swing. i have this thing about swings... everywhere i've lived, up until fremont, i've scouted out parks that have swings and then gone to them late at night to sort out thoughts and sing quietly. while we were there a girl who looked about our age walked up. we all smiled at one another and said hello but didn't really talk. we just sat there swinging in silence.
after melissa left i continued frequenting that same park. i didn't have set days and didn't seem to go at the same time, just whenever i got the urge. i'd pack up a few cds and walk the few blocks to the set of 4 swings. the one thing i never switched up was which one i used. the one on the far left. it was closest the brown house. the house i pretended to live in whenever my imagination got the better of me. every so often, maybe two times a week, that girl from the first night with melissa would show up. she had cds of her own. and we never paused to mess things up with introductions or any words at all. sometimes we'd wave but mostly we just smiled at one another. and then she'd take her swing. always the same one. two down from me. the first night that she showed up when i was alone "ohio" was playing. a damien jurado song melissa had introduced me to. my first encounter with him. i had put it on several of my swinging mixes because it seemed to be kind to me. so every time i saw the girl walking towards the park i'd play it. it became something i looked forward to. being near someone, someone familiar, and not having to worry about ruining it with small talk. words can make things so sticky. especially my words. so i appreciated damien jurado's ability to fill the gap there.
last night when i was walking up the steps to jordan and basil's house i saw damien jurado unpacking his drums out of the back of a car. no one else was around and it might have seemed as a good a time as any to say something. but like i just said, if left to my own devices i'd rather not talk to anyone at all. so i slowed my pace and indiscreetly watched him. pretending that i could convince myself that that was really him. that he was indeed an actual person and not just a mood.
through out the night i wondered if he'd play "ohio". i had passing thoughts of that girl. and those swings. of how on certain days i'd get home from work just as the afternoon showers would start. on those days i wouldn't even bother going into the house to change. i'd just get out of my car and walk straight to the park. i remembered how hard it rains in the south and how full it made me feel. then i thought of melissa. how connected we are. through music and honestly just about every little thing in life. i thought about how full that makes me feel. how i couldn't really see my life without her. last night it felt so good to think. to remember. and to be able to do it while being surrounded by some of my best friends.
he didn't play the song. but i can't say that i was disappointed. i'm listening to it now. excited by the fact that i have just written journal entry #12,759 in which i reminisce about the past BUT that i don't want to be back there. see, i'm not a person who lives in the now. not usually. i'm much more inclined to romanticize the past or block out reality with my overly active imagination. but all day something stayed with me from last night. i can't put my finger on exactly what it is. but i know melissa is a part of it. and it feels full.
after melissa left i continued frequenting that same park. i didn't have set days and didn't seem to go at the same time, just whenever i got the urge. i'd pack up a few cds and walk the few blocks to the set of 4 swings. the one thing i never switched up was which one i used. the one on the far left. it was closest the brown house. the house i pretended to live in whenever my imagination got the better of me. every so often, maybe two times a week, that girl from the first night with melissa would show up. she had cds of her own. and we never paused to mess things up with introductions or any words at all. sometimes we'd wave but mostly we just smiled at one another. and then she'd take her swing. always the same one. two down from me. the first night that she showed up when i was alone "ohio" was playing. a damien jurado song melissa had introduced me to. my first encounter with him. i had put it on several of my swinging mixes because it seemed to be kind to me. so every time i saw the girl walking towards the park i'd play it. it became something i looked forward to. being near someone, someone familiar, and not having to worry about ruining it with small talk. words can make things so sticky. especially my words. so i appreciated damien jurado's ability to fill the gap there.
last night when i was walking up the steps to jordan and basil's house i saw damien jurado unpacking his drums out of the back of a car. no one else was around and it might have seemed as a good a time as any to say something. but like i just said, if left to my own devices i'd rather not talk to anyone at all. so i slowed my pace and indiscreetly watched him. pretending that i could convince myself that that was really him. that he was indeed an actual person and not just a mood.
through out the night i wondered if he'd play "ohio". i had passing thoughts of that girl. and those swings. of how on certain days i'd get home from work just as the afternoon showers would start. on those days i wouldn't even bother going into the house to change. i'd just get out of my car and walk straight to the park. i remembered how hard it rains in the south and how full it made me feel. then i thought of melissa. how connected we are. through music and honestly just about every little thing in life. i thought about how full that makes me feel. how i couldn't really see my life without her. last night it felt so good to think. to remember. and to be able to do it while being surrounded by some of my best friends.
he didn't play the song. but i can't say that i was disappointed. i'm listening to it now. excited by the fact that i have just written journal entry #12,759 in which i reminisce about the past BUT that i don't want to be back there. see, i'm not a person who lives in the now. not usually. i'm much more inclined to romanticize the past or block out reality with my overly active imagination. but all day something stayed with me from last night. i can't put my finger on exactly what it is. but i know melissa is a part of it. and it feels full.