stone ground goodness
last night melissa and i went to murphy's to meet derrick for a beer. the bastard's getting married. i'm still not convinced that real people do that. but whatever. yay for him. as he was recounting to us how it all went down, the lead up and then actual proposal, he seemed genuinely happy about the whole thing. but i was only partially paying attention. my mind was wandering off elsewhere. onto a particular small, round, lovely jar of mustard. "full strength" the lid read. what? was this mustard capable of removing soap scum? or perhaps it cured headaches. intriguing. not nearly half as intriguing as the jar that it was packed into. i wanted it. as i find myself wanting all small things made out of glass. well, maybe just most. not those little glass figurines you find at county fairs. you know, the ones that are colored and in the shapes of butterflies or teddy bears. those are dead to me. it's the jars that sing to me. goddamn sirens. jars and jugs and bottles. especially the small ones. i'm not sure if glass containers can be considered "cute" but they bring about an odd sensation in me. almost maternal. like i want to take them into my arms, rocking them and cooing. ...i know, i think i just made myself sick too. anyhow, so i was eying up this "inglehoffer" character's choice for a mustard container, and questioning how morally wrong it would be to swipe it. i wondered if the staff at murphy's also had some kind of obsession with these jars. if that wasn't indeed the sole reason they chose this particular brand. did they gather the jars at night and refill them? polish them? were they some kind of hot commodity that i was unaware of? no. i couldn't convince myself that they were. i told myself that whenever the mustard was gone the jar got chucked in the trash (dirty murphy's whores probably didn't even recycle. for all i knew they were probably communists too.). and that was that. but was it? didn't i have within my power to SAVE at least that one little jar? if i were saving it then it couldn't really be considered "stealing" right? of course not. moreover, i should see it as my duty. a healthy act of rebellion against the powers that be and their evil henchmen who refuse to appreciate the small pleasures in life; discarding our true treasures (example? arrested development was canceled after only 3 seasons. bullshit. BULLSHIT!!!). all i needed to do was to wait until melissa and derrick's attention was distracted. only, by the time that happened (thanks to a man in the bar who at some point started grunting and growling at the television on the far right wall) i had to pee so badly i momentarily considered the pros and cons of adult diapers. so i went to the bathroom. i peed, gave myself a silent pep talk in the mirror as i washed my hands, and then walked back to the table reminding myself over and over to be quick and stealthy. ... but the jar was gone. melissa and derrick had grabbed all of our things and were up at the bar closing out the tab. some waitress had already cleared the table. and, along with the empty fry basket, along with our empty glasses, she had taken that small mustard jar. i thought to myself as i slowly scanned the room wondering whether or not i was being watched at that very moment...'god save the queen, they are communists...'