long lost high-fives
lilly was there last night. at fioa's third birthday party. my heart lept and my stomach dropped. seeing her threw me back into a kind of whirl-wind time of my life. she was only three when i had last seen her. small. with long hair. running around in pajamas or naked. calling me "samanda". i had known her when i first arrived to seattle. a time in my life where the daily occurrences were nothing at all like what they are now. a time when i had no job. when mis and i were living together, when james was still... seeing her hit me like the smell of campfires might. or listening to sun kil moon in july. my emotions took on faces, and bodies. as if hope and angst were just two average guys. sitting on a bench next to one another. shooting the shit, or saying nothing at all. part of me wanted to duck out. to squeeze myself in-between those emotions on that imaginary bench. and not be forced to entertain memories that i hadn't prepared myself for. but my feet rarely listen to my head. before i knew it i was kneeling down in front of her. she's huge now. her hair is short and styled. these are the kinds of things that happen to children over the course of a year and a half. "lilly... (nervous smile) do you remember me?" she didn't look up. but her cheeks turn a light shade of pink. "(a similar nervous smile) high-five." i laughed. a strange laugh. like it had been knocked out of me.
[high-fives are what we used to do. we were high-five machines. sure, everyone does the high-five routine with kids, but ours were different. whenever she'd go to slap my hand she'd kind of throw herself at me. we'd always end up hugging. they were like full-contact high-fives. the best kind.]
"yeah. high-fives." i said. she looked up at me then. i stretched out, and kissed her on the forehead. maybe i should've given her a high-five for old time's sake, but things are so different now. it felt good to change it up. to see lilly for what she had grown into. as well as what my life had grown into. sometimes it sucks ass. life shifts and reshapes itself, and i feel like i'm left on the outskirts of where i should be, with fists clenched around the lifeless remains of what once was. but every now and again i surprise myself. by welcoming change. and growth.
so here's to fiona for finally turning three. here's to lilly for finally turning five. and here's to me, for finally letting go.
[high-fives are what we used to do. we were high-five machines. sure, everyone does the high-five routine with kids, but ours were different. whenever she'd go to slap my hand she'd kind of throw herself at me. we'd always end up hugging. they were like full-contact high-fives. the best kind.]
"yeah. high-fives." i said. she looked up at me then. i stretched out, and kissed her on the forehead. maybe i should've given her a high-five for old time's sake, but things are so different now. it felt good to change it up. to see lilly for what she had grown into. as well as what my life had grown into. sometimes it sucks ass. life shifts and reshapes itself, and i feel like i'm left on the outskirts of where i should be, with fists clenched around the lifeless remains of what once was. but every now and again i surprise myself. by welcoming change. and growth.
so here's to fiona for finally turning three. here's to lilly for finally turning five. and here's to me, for finally letting go.