(no subject)
tonight was. absolute horrifying. my heart has long since been this heavy, and this tired. i absolutely cannot remain at my place of employment any longer. i've had far to many consistantly bad nights..and then i come home, and i have nightmares in my sleep. i have never been surrounded by such a crooked and ugly group of people in my entire life. i am too good to stay there..it hurts too much. i've been dealing with corruptness for six months..and i hate quitting anything..i never wan't to take the easy road..i believe in hope, and hard work, and stamina...i'm just not in the right world for it. you come to a point where you have to decide what's best for you regardless of situation, and branch from that. we've had five servers walk in the past couple days. the service is horrible, the food/kitchen is uncleanly, the servers are vicious, the manageers are lazy/liars, and the hosts..they're lazy(for the most part). one host disappears for hours at a time ON DUTY..and noone will fire her. she's on my tip share btw. well tonite there were supposed to be three of us..but one left bc she was "sick". and i'm sorry..but i would have so much more compassion for her if she wasn't always "sick" or "upset" or wtfever she wanted to be for the past week..bc i've been picking up her slack bc of the moody immaturity. she claimed to have thrown up in the bathroom..but i threw up last nite because yes, i too am sick..and i closed the restaurant last nite, and you know what i didnt say a fucking word bc it was busy..and they needed me. we were on a wait for the five hours i was there tonite. 9 servers, 2 hosts, 1 manager, full house. everyone has something petty to moan about, and i listen, i dont say a word. the other host was required to stay on the door..which i dont much mind bc shes the habitual disappearer..and i seated and cleaned, and bussed, and ran food, or whatever else needed to be done..all nite, all by myself. still..not a word. i'm getting frusterated bc i cannot possibly textualize how horrible this place is. i'm not a wuss. i'm the strongest person i know besides my grandfather. i can take alot of shit with dignity..and it takes alot to make me cry. but i'm very personal..and insanely empathetic. and it just hurts alot sometimes. i get sexually harassed there everyday..noone does anything about it..its "amusing" to my managers. i'm overworked, underpayed, underminded, cussed out, emotionally strung out, and underappreciated consistantly every single work day. it's unbelievable the way i've been talked to. by customers..but it's mostly from staff. so tonite after 4 hours of busting my ass..and getting bitched at by every server there, "liza, i hate you"..for doing my job to my absolute best ability..the last straw...came from melia. i can say among the drug trafficing that goes on in my restaurant, the second largest problem would be racism. i don't tolerate racism..i understand that it's a push button subject comically organized every so often..but genuine racism. it's black and white. and it makes me sick. after physical exhaustion this one server comes up to me..just screaming..in her mousy road island accent..that i needed to stop seating "all the fucking black ppl" with her bc she was making no money. my first thought was how selfish and disguisting are you. i do not have time to cater to her preferences i am the only host seating and there was no sp so i picked up alot of that slack too. she was screaming, and not thinking straight i told her i would do the best i could but i'm really busy and i don't have time for this..if it triggered in my head, i would seat accordingly. the SECOND she walked away i thought wtf am i saying..it's so sad that racism has become such a standard for the service here that what she was saying didnt strike me as odd..bc i've been asked that many times ..it's common. its always disguisting..but this time..i actually agreed to "do the best i could". THATS HORRIBLE> I WILL NOT CATER TO ANYONES RACISM AND THE FACT THAT IT DIDNT IMMEDIATELY STRIKE DISCORD WITH ME MADE ME NAUSEAous. and it made me hate the institution of these ppl. and it also made me ashamed, and sad. my heart is so heavy right now. i bussed my last table and i was about to dump the last glass..when it burst. i squeezed the glass so hard, it burst. i refuse to think that was coincidence. and i cut my arm and thumb up pretty bad. and one of the dishwashers actually came up there to scream at me, untill they saw i was bleeding everywhere..and it just made sense. it was like ..here, now you see.how i feel. I AM BLEEDING. now you see. i'm a peculiar girl..because when crying hurt and or wounded..i will act like i'm fine. i've sat and greeted ppl at the door with tears pouring down my face..all with a smile. it was a simliar affair..i'm bleeding and talking to the manager completely normally..like nothings wrong, " can i leave now, we're off a wait, i cleaned the restaurant." "uh..sure..you're bleeding." "yea, i'm fine, clock me out." and thus i left. i walked to my car and cried. not the kind where you huff and puff, not the kind where the tears won't stop flowing..but the kind from your chest. that pulses with your heart. that wrenches your gut..and feels like an explosion. the kind from your center. i cried myself home, bandaged my wounds, was harassed by my cold mother who knows me not at all, and feels i am always the center of any controversy. and i'm typing my two weeks notice. i will finish my time there..bc i have a sense of professionalism..i don't let situations set standards for my behavior. and this isn't a white flag. it's a sentence with a period at the end.