The Wr!ter & Boyfr!end: A New Slate
!! Dear Whomever Gives A Damn !!
Tonight, I finally told Kris that I was bummed. He said that he knew, that I've been bummed since yesterday or the day before and he didn't quite understand why. I looked at him and explained to him that I was upset because Karissa was calling the house again, and that I didn't understand what he had meant in the e-mails by "please don't end this" and I don't know what "this" is and it drives me crazy. I explained that I hated how Karissa kept confessing how she was greedy over him and everything. I also explained how I was upset because I came to the realization that it's been over a year and he still doesn't love me and that I'm afraid that he won't ever love me. I also told him that I'm afraid that he has a better chance of falling in love with someone else, and not me. I just cannot compete with these girls. I'm afraid that everything is going to come crashing down on me.
He looked at me and told me that I think way too much. He also told me that it's not possible for him to fall in love with someone else. Then he says that I can compete against the other girls, but what others girls? I said Karissa, or any girl out there basically. He said I can compete. He snorted and said you have my babies! I said that it didn't matter, that he could have babies with them. He snorted again, shook his head, and told me not to worry about it. I can compete, I have his babies, he will love me again, and that nothing is going to come crashing down on me.
I looked him in the face, and he looked like he meant it - but that insecurity is still floating there. Each day that passes, I feel like I am getting better and better. Yes, sometimes I hit a rut - where Karissa may phone or whatever - but I need him to understand I feel the way that I do because of everything that happened. He tells me to stop it, and to not worry about it - I know that he is eventually going to become upset with me, and it will push him away. It's the last thing that I want.
Maybe I should just stop? Maybe I should just block it all out, pretend a lot of it never happened, and just - look towards the future? I mean, today is the beginning of a new year...is it not? Maybe I should just clean last year's slate, and start fresh. Forget everything that happened, and look towards the future - live for the now. Live for the moment, not for memories that will soon be forgotten.
Yes. A new year. A new slate. No more living on memories, and dwelling on the things that once were. Living for the moment; the now and not for the memories that will soon be forgotten.
He may not love me, but he's here. There are other girls, but he's loyal to me. That should mean something. He's willing to work it out. If he did not want me, I would not be here - right? This year is a brand new year; a new slate not only for me - but for us.
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥
Tonight, I finally told Kris that I was bummed. He said that he knew, that I've been bummed since yesterday or the day before and he didn't quite understand why. I looked at him and explained to him that I was upset because Karissa was calling the house again, and that I didn't understand what he had meant in the e-mails by "please don't end this" and I don't know what "this" is and it drives me crazy. I explained that I hated how Karissa kept confessing how she was greedy over him and everything. I also explained how I was upset because I came to the realization that it's been over a year and he still doesn't love me and that I'm afraid that he won't ever love me. I also told him that I'm afraid that he has a better chance of falling in love with someone else, and not me. I just cannot compete with these girls. I'm afraid that everything is going to come crashing down on me.
He looked at me and told me that I think way too much. He also told me that it's not possible for him to fall in love with someone else. Then he says that I can compete against the other girls, but what others girls? I said Karissa, or any girl out there basically. He said I can compete. He snorted and said you have my babies! I said that it didn't matter, that he could have babies with them. He snorted again, shook his head, and told me not to worry about it. I can compete, I have his babies, he will love me again, and that nothing is going to come crashing down on me.
I looked him in the face, and he looked like he meant it - but that insecurity is still floating there. Each day that passes, I feel like I am getting better and better. Yes, sometimes I hit a rut - where Karissa may phone or whatever - but I need him to understand I feel the way that I do because of everything that happened. He tells me to stop it, and to not worry about it - I know that he is eventually going to become upset with me, and it will push him away. It's the last thing that I want.
Maybe I should just stop? Maybe I should just block it all out, pretend a lot of it never happened, and just - look towards the future? I mean, today is the beginning of a new year...is it not? Maybe I should just clean last year's slate, and start fresh. Forget everything that happened, and look towards the future - live for the now. Live for the moment, not for memories that will soon be forgotten.
Yes. A new year. A new slate. No more living on memories, and dwelling on the things that once were. Living for the moment; the now and not for the memories that will soon be forgotten.
He may not love me, but he's here. There are other girls, but he's loyal to me. That should mean something. He's willing to work it out. If he did not want me, I would not be here - right? This year is a brand new year; a new slate not only for me - but for us.
ox (! Tw!nkers !) xo
♥ ♥ ♥