Okay so
Things are better now then they were the last time I posted.
brayton came back for me, on his birthday. He bought me pretty yellow flowers, and stood outside my window with a john legend song playing from his car.
So for the most part, things are back to normal...it's just I have that voice in the back of my head telling me to proceed with caution. And I hate it because whenever he tells me that he loves me, all that my head says is "really? because you've said that before and then you questioned it...". I don't like not being able to trust him. *sigh* but I guess time shall be the test.
I mean, I did learn a lot from those three weeks. I learned just how much my friends do care for me, ALL of them. Camille, Angela, Nathan, Corey, and Jen especially. They all either listened to me rant on end, or opened their homes for me to stay in, or provided the time to be with me. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about, how truly loved I felt by all my friends. I got so wrapped up in school, work, and Brayton that I hardly got to really talk to anyone until he left, (although the fact that it was the beginning of summer also helped). I'm trying really hard now to be the friend to them as they all were to me to them.
What I do love though, is that even though Brayton and I are back together he lets me, and encourages me, to spend time with others aside from him. Before, it didn't matter because I never had plans with others, but because of the break up I made some. I still am going on a road trip, I'm still taking gym classes with Jen, everything is just working out okay, and I like that.
Subject change.
So today I turned 20 years old. My teenage years are all behind me, and it's a little bittersweet. I'm SO excited for these next couple years, graduating college, getting married, getting a regular job, etc. etc. Like, I believe that these are the years I can flourish. I wasn't much of anything in high school, but here, in real life...where your smarts get you something, where it doesn't matter how cool you are...I think I can really grow. It seems like sort of everything is falling into place: I'm with the love of my life, I know my major, I can make my own money. I look around at my friends, and it seems like for a majority of them they are completely lost, my own boyfriend included, and still are unsure of what they want to do, but I'm not.
However, there are those days that are all done now. Yesterday Brayton and I watched the Rancho Crew video I made two years ago. We were so carefree back then, just running around doing crazy stuff. There was so much joy with hardly any responsibility. And then my brothers come home from camp and, especially with Robbie, they're having all these adventures that I had, the adventures that I can't have again. Robbie told me about how they all danced on the square, all the petty crushes, and the random trends that would happen. I'd give so much just to be able to go back to my final week as a camper. But I can't, now if I go to camp, I'll be a couselor. It takes on a whole different form of adventure, but it will never be the same as being eighteen and being pushed into pools, having water balloons breaking over my head, and eyeing the cute boy standing next to me.
But, thats what happens when you grow up. You leave things behind and look forward to things ahead. There's always an adventure out there, they shift and change as we do. they won't be the exact same from our youth, but they will be fun still.
Currently:
I'm going on a road trip on Monday.
I'm taking regular yoga and kickboxing classes.
I'll be learning how to cook starting in a couple weeks.
I am really loving life and this summer. I'm doing things that I've wanted to do. And I'm finding new adventures to go on, and loving it.
brayton came back for me, on his birthday. He bought me pretty yellow flowers, and stood outside my window with a john legend song playing from his car.
So for the most part, things are back to normal...it's just I have that voice in the back of my head telling me to proceed with caution. And I hate it because whenever he tells me that he loves me, all that my head says is "really? because you've said that before and then you questioned it...". I don't like not being able to trust him. *sigh* but I guess time shall be the test.
I mean, I did learn a lot from those three weeks. I learned just how much my friends do care for me, ALL of them. Camille, Angela, Nathan, Corey, and Jen especially. They all either listened to me rant on end, or opened their homes for me to stay in, or provided the time to be with me. It still brings tears to my eyes to think about, how truly loved I felt by all my friends. I got so wrapped up in school, work, and Brayton that I hardly got to really talk to anyone until he left, (although the fact that it was the beginning of summer also helped). I'm trying really hard now to be the friend to them as they all were to me to them.
What I do love though, is that even though Brayton and I are back together he lets me, and encourages me, to spend time with others aside from him. Before, it didn't matter because I never had plans with others, but because of the break up I made some. I still am going on a road trip, I'm still taking gym classes with Jen, everything is just working out okay, and I like that.
Subject change.
So today I turned 20 years old. My teenage years are all behind me, and it's a little bittersweet. I'm SO excited for these next couple years, graduating college, getting married, getting a regular job, etc. etc. Like, I believe that these are the years I can flourish. I wasn't much of anything in high school, but here, in real life...where your smarts get you something, where it doesn't matter how cool you are...I think I can really grow. It seems like sort of everything is falling into place: I'm with the love of my life, I know my major, I can make my own money. I look around at my friends, and it seems like for a majority of them they are completely lost, my own boyfriend included, and still are unsure of what they want to do, but I'm not.
However, there are those days that are all done now. Yesterday Brayton and I watched the Rancho Crew video I made two years ago. We were so carefree back then, just running around doing crazy stuff. There was so much joy with hardly any responsibility. And then my brothers come home from camp and, especially with Robbie, they're having all these adventures that I had, the adventures that I can't have again. Robbie told me about how they all danced on the square, all the petty crushes, and the random trends that would happen. I'd give so much just to be able to go back to my final week as a camper. But I can't, now if I go to camp, I'll be a couselor. It takes on a whole different form of adventure, but it will never be the same as being eighteen and being pushed into pools, having water balloons breaking over my head, and eyeing the cute boy standing next to me.
But, thats what happens when you grow up. You leave things behind and look forward to things ahead. There's always an adventure out there, they shift and change as we do. they won't be the exact same from our youth, but they will be fun still.
Currently:
I'm going on a road trip on Monday.
I'm taking regular yoga and kickboxing classes.
I'll be learning how to cook starting in a couple weeks.
I am really loving life and this summer. I'm doing things that I've wanted to do. And I'm finding new adventures to go on, and loving it.