Life....why is it so difficult?!?!?!

[oxoxangel1983]

So I have decided to take everything out of my journal that has anything negative in it. My life is finally going in the right direction and I would like to keep it that way. I have a wonderful guy in my life, that just appeared when I least expected him to, and he really, genuinely cares for me. We sort of even each other out, we have the same interest and same goals. Only he is now making me see my own potential and is discovering his along the way. Having dealt with my past in the wrong manner and now regretting it, I would just like to say some people aren’t always what they seem. Everyone has their demons, and has grow up differently. Some people grow up in loving homes and some people grow up in not so loving homes, but the things that you grow up with and the things you go though during life make you the person you are. Life is a continual maze of obstacles that you must overcome. The older I get the more I realize that we as humans only have one life, and time will fly by. I can remember back when I was 13 and was like “damn I wish I was 21” and now I’m about to be and it scares me! Maybe I’m not in the place I had hoped 3 years ago, but I do love the person that I have become though it all I have learned more about myself in the last 3 years then I think I would have, had I taken I different route. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be working in the big easy on bourbon street. As of 3 years ago my life had a path, a plan. Between me and the man I thought I would marry. Those dreams disappeared in the blink of an eye. Not because we wanted it to, because it just wasn’t right. It took me 2 years and I trip to Pennsylvania to realize that. Yes, I do want to get married one day, I want that love and affection. I want that comfort that comes with being in love, but I don’t want it rushed and I don’t want to settle for something if it doesn’t feel right. Basically the reason for the post is that life is to short for stupid spurts and spatters because of jealousy and lies. Yes, I do have flaws, everyone does. I’m not perfect and no one is. I will admit is this, I have a hard time trusting, letting people get close to me, and I have a tendency to push people out of my life. Most of the time its unintentional. For the first time in my life I feel a comfort in my own skin. I live alone for many of those reasons. I have made mistakes and I have learned from them. I’m hard headed and I have had to defend myself my whole life but I’m just now realizing that not everyone is out to harm me and sometimes people do things to spare others feelings. We are so complex as people and its hard to understand sometimes, I have met drug dealers, prostitutes, club owners, band members, shot girls, bartenders, and strippers. There is one thing we all have in common its that we are all just trying to make it though life. We all are just trying to survive in this crazy world. Some of us just go about it in different ways. I mean really any of us could die tomorrow and will being in school for 10 years and have this great job making 6 figures really matter. All that matters in life is happiness, I want to live my life happy and when I rest my head down for good I want to have a big smile on my face. So the question of the day should be “If you died right now would you be happy with the way you live your life so far?” My answer right now would be “hell no” So my goal for this year is to put myself in that place. Yeah so…it took me a month to figure out my new year resolution but at least I now have one. Well I think I have blabbed on long enough…so I’m going to bed now.

Why is growing up so hard?
I know life will only get harder as I grow older.
Haven’t I faced enough hardships in my life, why do I have to go though more. Do I need to prove something to someone? This is getting really deep really quickly….