Move on with grace... I'll sing my song
Taking a moment after finishing my Bio notes on Ch. 4 which was the longest chapter of life, and because I am so used to taking notes, it takes me so long to get through just 4 pages.. it's like an hour. It's so horrible. And the problem is that I don't even think I retain the information. Which basically means that I totally just wasted time, because I was so focused on getting it done. But it's not going to be checked. It is meant to be a tool for me to learn the facts presented to me about cells and diffusion and membranes (which, by the way, I think is one of my favorite parts of Biology.. diffusion excitesm me, which is, I admit, a bit weird... :-D)
But the real reason why I wanted to write in here is because I haven't had a lot of time to reflect on my everyday occurrences, and I probably won't be able to recount everything that's been happening to me because there is way too much to remember (which is sad) but it's nice to just stop and pause, and do what I used to do before I became a (poor) college student.
For the past two days, I've just felt, more than ever before, a bit homesick, and the fact that I am now living in New York and am not going to be returning to Brookline High School has started to really hit me. Quick, fast, occasional blows that come unexpectedly. Actually, I don't think you can really say that I've been homesick, perse, it's more like I've been thinking about home and the friends from home more these past couple of days. It's sometimes startling to realize that the school hallways in which I will be passing will be Barnard's for the next four years. This is my campus. This is my room. This is my roommate (who is, by the way, great). Are these my new best friends, the ones with whom I will keep in touch after we graduate and move on into the "real world"? Is this the church of which I will be a part? Is this the fellowship with whom I will grow spiritually?
Is this really... my life?
I miss people, but at the same time, I have not realized that I am estranged from them. Specifically my fellowship back at church, and the people in it. Am I growing apart from Fanny because I haven't had a significant conversation with her... since I got here? How have these relationships evolved? How will they?
Am I really taking advantage of all that is in front of me? Am I prioritizing enough? Am I being a total slacker? Am I taking the right courses?
One thing I know is that I have been blessed. But still, despite all the great things that have been happening to me, I still have felt unsatisfied with the normal, typical lack-of-boy situation. HOWEVER, (comma) this morning's sermon by Pastor Bruce was exactly what I needed. As well as this morning's worship session. Can you believe that I was just realizing this past week that the song I have not sung for a while is "Here Is Our King" and that last time I was at Remnant, I thought we were going to sing "My Glorious" but it turned out to be some other song that was like "GOD IS shiniiiing" instead of "GOD IS bigger thannn" AND THEN TODAY! we sung those two songs ONE AFTER THE OTHER?? How amazing. I was ecstatic. And we also sung "Consuming Fire" so that was SUPER.
The sermon was about serving and revolved around John 13, the passage in which Jesus washes his disciples' feet. I've probably heard this message before, but I think I really needed to hear it again, especially today, especially after I've been feeling so deprived (of nothing that is truly important). I have not been other-focused enough. I have been very much focused on myself and in that way, I have ended up draining myself and true, genuine, God-focused, Jesus-inspired happiness has not completely taken over me. In serving others, but not seeking self-fulfillment, only then can I be truly happy. Because if I seek to only fulfill my own desires, my own agenda, then I will always be disappointed and unsatisfied. But if I don't seek to pursue my personal selfish fulfillment, then I will not disappoint myself as easily. If it's about others, then it's not about me, and whether I am happy, sad, depressed, flattered, dissed, embarrassed, isolated, or surrounded by friends... it won't matter. As long as the total output is towards others, and more importantly, about God and Jesus, and as long as it is fueled by seeking the Holy Spirit in others so that the Spirit within me and the Spirit within them can connect and ignite a passionate, shared flame, then nothing can, should, or will bring me down.
Lunch today was so great. Delicious Indian food :) It just feels so natural with this group of people from Remnant. Although I guess I can believe that I've only known them for almost a month, I am looking forward to what this next year will bring. They are such genuine people. I feel so blessed to have found such kind people who are willing to listen and acknowledge you. Knowing Jesus and sharing that knowledge of and love for Him is so transformative and cohesive for a relationship, no matter how short or long that connection has been.
But the real reason why I wanted to write in here is because I haven't had a lot of time to reflect on my everyday occurrences, and I probably won't be able to recount everything that's been happening to me because there is way too much to remember (which is sad) but it's nice to just stop and pause, and do what I used to do before I became a (poor) college student.
For the past two days, I've just felt, more than ever before, a bit homesick, and the fact that I am now living in New York and am not going to be returning to Brookline High School has started to really hit me. Quick, fast, occasional blows that come unexpectedly. Actually, I don't think you can really say that I've been homesick, perse, it's more like I've been thinking about home and the friends from home more these past couple of days. It's sometimes startling to realize that the school hallways in which I will be passing will be Barnard's for the next four years. This is my campus. This is my room. This is my roommate (who is, by the way, great). Are these my new best friends, the ones with whom I will keep in touch after we graduate and move on into the "real world"? Is this the church of which I will be a part? Is this the fellowship with whom I will grow spiritually?
Is this really... my life?
I miss people, but at the same time, I have not realized that I am estranged from them. Specifically my fellowship back at church, and the people in it. Am I growing apart from Fanny because I haven't had a significant conversation with her... since I got here? How have these relationships evolved? How will they?
Am I really taking advantage of all that is in front of me? Am I prioritizing enough? Am I being a total slacker? Am I taking the right courses?
One thing I know is that I have been blessed. But still, despite all the great things that have been happening to me, I still have felt unsatisfied with the normal, typical lack-of-boy situation. HOWEVER, (comma) this morning's sermon by Pastor Bruce was exactly what I needed. As well as this morning's worship session. Can you believe that I was just realizing this past week that the song I have not sung for a while is "Here Is Our King" and that last time I was at Remnant, I thought we were going to sing "My Glorious" but it turned out to be some other song that was like "GOD IS shiniiiing" instead of "GOD IS bigger thannn" AND THEN TODAY! we sung those two songs ONE AFTER THE OTHER?? How amazing. I was ecstatic. And we also sung "Consuming Fire" so that was SUPER.
The sermon was about serving and revolved around John 13, the passage in which Jesus washes his disciples' feet. I've probably heard this message before, but I think I really needed to hear it again, especially today, especially after I've been feeling so deprived (of nothing that is truly important). I have not been other-focused enough. I have been very much focused on myself and in that way, I have ended up draining myself and true, genuine, God-focused, Jesus-inspired happiness has not completely taken over me. In serving others, but not seeking self-fulfillment, only then can I be truly happy. Because if I seek to only fulfill my own desires, my own agenda, then I will always be disappointed and unsatisfied. But if I don't seek to pursue my personal selfish fulfillment, then I will not disappoint myself as easily. If it's about others, then it's not about me, and whether I am happy, sad, depressed, flattered, dissed, embarrassed, isolated, or surrounded by friends... it won't matter. As long as the total output is towards others, and more importantly, about God and Jesus, and as long as it is fueled by seeking the Holy Spirit in others so that the Spirit within me and the Spirit within them can connect and ignite a passionate, shared flame, then nothing can, should, or will bring me down.
Lunch today was so great. Delicious Indian food :) It just feels so natural with this group of people from Remnant. Although I guess I can believe that I've only known them for almost a month, I am looking forward to what this next year will bring. They are such genuine people. I feel so blessed to have found such kind people who are willing to listen and acknowledge you. Knowing Jesus and sharing that knowledge of and love for Him is so transformative and cohesive for a relationship, no matter how short or long that connection has been.