(no subject)
I guess it's not that I don't believe I am lovable. It's not that I hate myself. It's not that I don't think I am special. I just wonder without all of the noise and without the glamor am I loved. It doesn't seem as though I am. So through all of this "figuring myself out" I've found the quiet, sensitive, scared, shy, sad girl. The same sad girl I always new. The one who adhered to every move I've ever made in any direction of my life.
What kind of love did I have for you? Can it even be called love? Is it me just feeling guilty enough to open up to the girl who was never anything close to what I wanted? You were prettier this time. You were still nice, and all that good shit. Just something... was wrong. I just didn't feel right about it no matter how far I was willing to drag myself into your arms I knew it's somewhere I never wanted to be. Rejection isn't so bad. It kills when it's not even someone you wanted. Just someone your heart clung to without permission from your head. It.. hurts and I will get over it.
I don't know why I feel so far away from you. I hate it. It's like no matter how close you are it's never close enough. No matter what words I say or how I say them, I still feel like you don't get me. I hate feeling this far away from you. I hate that we are not >>>THISCLOSE<<< 24/7. What do I do without you. You are my best friend. You are my companion. Why are you so fucking far away. Why am I?
I feel like I blinked my eyes and everyone I ever knew disappeared infront of my face. Nostalgia is murderous. I dream of us again all of the time :S it's stupid really. Because I can't believe what's happened. REALLY :O. It's just so much of a shock when I back-track to my green carpet, lack of privacy... my alcoholic mother's absence. The molding ceiling. It almost haunts me from across the street all of the time. I just want to go sit there and remember everything. It hurts. I just feel so stupid.
I really did screw up when I walked away from you. You were hurting me. I just felt like every fight was killing me more and more each time. I would just love to kill that person. I thought I did and she creeps her way back in. I guess to save me when I'm hurt. How do I feel safe again? How can we make this work. I don't know why or how but for a long time now all I've wanted is for us to be fixed. I just don't know how. I just need to work it out but I can't alone. I can't be the only one anymore. I can't be sure if it's not too late but I'm hoping the fact that I want for it not to be means something.
inlovewithlove... I think I'm over that. Or maybe I have a different understanding of the word love.
I just don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone. Everyone who's not here anymore can eat shit.