Giving up doesn't come to me easily...I guess that makes me a glutton for punishment...
Music: World on Fire - Sara McLachlan
You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette
Since You’ve Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
You Had Me - Joss Stone
Through With You - Maroon 5
So it’s been entirely too long (once again) since I’ve posted here. I keep waiting for some inspiring event, or idea… but no luck on that front. So the plan is to simply start writing and hope something fabulous appears on the screen in front of me.
Nothing very exciting going on in my life, aside from the almost constant confrontations with Greg (not that they’re exciting, but they keep me on my toes). No drastic changes to report… I’ve stayed very busy with work, and what few close friends I remain in contact with.
In regard to my previous entry, I still believe Dallas to be as bone-dry as I did then. No decent available men whatsoever. Am finally 21 though, so hoping for better luck with renewed social life. Has been 45 days… nothing yet, not even sense of renewed social life. Am love pariah.
A week later….
In the aftermath of Valentines, as I walk by my co-workers desks overflowing with flowers and balloons, I realize that I have nothing to show for it aside from the hangover I’m quietly nursing under my desk. As depressing as the thought of being single (2 years running…..ouch) is, what’s even more depressing is the complete lack of quality people in my life with whom I can share these feelings. Which brings to me to my big news.
My relationship with Greg is no more.
After 6 months of dating and 2 years of best friendship, (which absolutely had its rough spots…understatement, much?) I’ve finally allowed myself to realize that I haven’t been getting anything out of it for a long time, emotionally or otherwise. Now that it’s over, I feel so dragged out. He spent the last 9 months talking out both sides of his mouth. In one sentence he would tell me how much he valued my friendship, and how it was more important than all others, and in the next forsake it for some ridiculously immature 17 year old kid. Part of me understands why he did it. I know he felt like I didn’t treat him as well as I should, but the last year has been a great learning experience for me in that respect, and to this day he refuses to acknowledge the work I put into making the relationship function. I also know that being a friend to Brian was always easier, and more convenient than being a friend to me, but God forbid he have to work at a relationship, ever.
That’s probably what put me over the edge. No matter how much I worked at it or how I expressed my concerns about his behavior towards me, nothing ever motivated him to change, or work, or grow inside the relationship. Instead he grew out of it…away from it…because it was easier, and as he grew away from me, I watched him feel the things for Brian that he used to feel for me. That was devastating. I’m not sure that I’ve ever been hurt or disrespected so badly…and those feelings manifested themselves as jealousy. A jealousy that Greg could never understand, much less see his way around. Thus, every fight had to be about Brian, no matter what I said to the contrary, he was convinced that all I cared about was whether or not they were fucking (I’ll never know for sure) and that it had overwhelmed me, when in reality the problems were his choices. He made the decision to choose Brian over me time and time again. It was his choice to disregard my feelings for the sake of his friendship with someone else, regardless of who it was.
In the end, up until the last days, he continued to show me how much my friendship really meant to him by his actions. He lied repeatedly, blew me off constantly, and only found my company desirable after all other options had been exhausted.
Now that it’s been a week since I watched potentially the best friendship I’ve ever had circle the toilet, I’m beginning to figure out how much I neglected all my other friendships over the last couple of years, and that engaging in such a co-dependent relationship with Greg had its self-destructive properties reaching outside the two of us, much further than I thought. Not only has it become a matter of picking up the pieces of my own emotional wreckage (alone), but also attempting to rebuild my friend-set from a state of drastic disrepair.
I know things are going to be hard…really hard…from this point on, and for a long time, until I can get my social life back where it should be, and find someone who can be a true friend to me (preferably one that I haven’t been previously involved with). I find very little comfort in the thought that things will be better one day. It’s too ambiguous, I need something definite…like a date and time at which I will feel noticeably better. Somehow I know it’s never that simple, the only thing I can do is carry on…one day at a time.
This sucks!
Later…
Thought I was done with this entry, but just got back to work from having lunch at Pei Wei. My fortune cookie was relevant for the first time ever, so I thought I’d share it. “You will be advanced socially, without any special effort”. Creepy, right? Strangely hopeful.
You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette
Since You’ve Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
You Had Me - Joss Stone
Through With You - Maroon 5
So it’s been entirely too long (once again) since I’ve posted here. I keep waiting for some inspiring event, or idea… but no luck on that front. So the plan is to simply start writing and hope something fabulous appears on the screen in front of me.
Nothing very exciting going on in my life, aside from the almost constant confrontations with Greg (not that they’re exciting, but they keep me on my toes). No drastic changes to report… I’ve stayed very busy with work, and what few close friends I remain in contact with.
In regard to my previous entry, I still believe Dallas to be as bone-dry as I did then. No decent available men whatsoever. Am finally 21 though, so hoping for better luck with renewed social life. Has been 45 days… nothing yet, not even sense of renewed social life. Am love pariah.
A week later….
In the aftermath of Valentines, as I walk by my co-workers desks overflowing with flowers and balloons, I realize that I have nothing to show for it aside from the hangover I’m quietly nursing under my desk. As depressing as the thought of being single (2 years running…..ouch) is, what’s even more depressing is the complete lack of quality people in my life with whom I can share these feelings. Which brings to me to my big news.
My relationship with Greg is no more.
After 6 months of dating and 2 years of best friendship, (which absolutely had its rough spots…understatement, much?) I’ve finally allowed myself to realize that I haven’t been getting anything out of it for a long time, emotionally or otherwise. Now that it’s over, I feel so dragged out. He spent the last 9 months talking out both sides of his mouth. In one sentence he would tell me how much he valued my friendship, and how it was more important than all others, and in the next forsake it for some ridiculously immature 17 year old kid. Part of me understands why he did it. I know he felt like I didn’t treat him as well as I should, but the last year has been a great learning experience for me in that respect, and to this day he refuses to acknowledge the work I put into making the relationship function. I also know that being a friend to Brian was always easier, and more convenient than being a friend to me, but God forbid he have to work at a relationship, ever.
That’s probably what put me over the edge. No matter how much I worked at it or how I expressed my concerns about his behavior towards me, nothing ever motivated him to change, or work, or grow inside the relationship. Instead he grew out of it…away from it…because it was easier, and as he grew away from me, I watched him feel the things for Brian that he used to feel for me. That was devastating. I’m not sure that I’ve ever been hurt or disrespected so badly…and those feelings manifested themselves as jealousy. A jealousy that Greg could never understand, much less see his way around. Thus, every fight had to be about Brian, no matter what I said to the contrary, he was convinced that all I cared about was whether or not they were fucking (I’ll never know for sure) and that it had overwhelmed me, when in reality the problems were his choices. He made the decision to choose Brian over me time and time again. It was his choice to disregard my feelings for the sake of his friendship with someone else, regardless of who it was.
In the end, up until the last days, he continued to show me how much my friendship really meant to him by his actions. He lied repeatedly, blew me off constantly, and only found my company desirable after all other options had been exhausted.
Now that it’s been a week since I watched potentially the best friendship I’ve ever had circle the toilet, I’m beginning to figure out how much I neglected all my other friendships over the last couple of years, and that engaging in such a co-dependent relationship with Greg had its self-destructive properties reaching outside the two of us, much further than I thought. Not only has it become a matter of picking up the pieces of my own emotional wreckage (alone), but also attempting to rebuild my friend-set from a state of drastic disrepair.
I know things are going to be hard…really hard…from this point on, and for a long time, until I can get my social life back where it should be, and find someone who can be a true friend to me (preferably one that I haven’t been previously involved with). I find very little comfort in the thought that things will be better one day. It’s too ambiguous, I need something definite…like a date and time at which I will feel noticeably better. Somehow I know it’s never that simple, the only thing I can do is carry on…one day at a time.
This sucks!
Later…
Thought I was done with this entry, but just got back to work from having lunch at Pei Wei. My fortune cookie was relevant for the first time ever, so I thought I’d share it. “You will be advanced socially, without any special effort”. Creepy, right? Strangely hopeful.