a mediocre christmas...
The ghost of christmas future paid me a visit this year. I saw visions of my future self....a lonely old spinster fag with no friends, no life to speak of (aside from my 40 cats), and ousted by my family of homophobic hicks. Unpleasantness extraordinaire, mostly because spinster does NOT look good on me! Suffice it to say, a depression has come over me, the likes of which I have never seen.
I was having a bad day last week, and a guy that I work with came up to me and could tell i was in a bad mood... He tried to talk to me about it, but my instinctive internalization took over and I began dodging his questions. The next thing out of his mouth was "Have you ever thought about medication?" I was kind of taken aback for a second, and responded with "It's never that bad..." After the last few days, I've come to reconsider that statement.
I feel like I'm being overly melodramatic, but I am in this inescapably miserable situation. I can't imagine how I could be less happy with my life (and i use life in the most general and all-encompassing of terms).
Roommates are the DEVIL! I have had one for a year, and in the words of the great Ryan Short, he sucks my soul! Looking back, the decision to engage in my current lease with this person (whom we all know, so I dont have to say his name) is by far the most regrettable thing I've ever done. I'm not the kind of person that is prone to regret, ever, because I do my best to look at everything, good and bad, as a learning experience. This on the other hand, I fight every day not to regret, and work hard to try to find the lesson in it. I'm almost convinced that it's just not there. I bring this horrible predicament up as the first illustration of the sources of my depression and anxiety. The problems he causes seem infinite in number... a never ending vicious cycle of fight after fight. Had he been just a friend all this time...he would be long gone now. Unfortunatley, finding such closure is impossible. I'm locked into my lease, and can't get out of it for 9 more months. I have to live with this constant anguish for almost another year of my life. It feels like such a waste, no one my age should have to feel this way all the time. I should be out having fun with my friends and doing all the things I want to do (which isn't to say that I don't) but wherever I go, and whatever I do, dreading what I have to come home to pervades my every thought. It's a sad thing when you can't go home to a place that feels like your sanctuary, but instead, you have to come home to a warzone, 24/7. Where can I find some much needed solace?
I'm only becoming more melodramatic... I should stop this before I take it too far... Oh, but look... here I go again...
In all honesty, my Christmas sucked. I was not in the spirit this year, at all. Not for any particular reason, but just never had any real incentive to rejoice... only a constant flow of stressfull activities. Happy as I am that the whole thing is over now, all the other things that weigh on me haven't really allowed me to recover my once crowd-pleasing jubilance.
I've never really considered seeking counseling, because it's always been my firm belief that no matter what gets thrown my way, I can handle it, by myself... I know I can overcome any obstacle. On the medication issue, I have to categorize that as help, and since I stand steadfast by my previous statement, it is henceforth my decision to do what it takes, on my own... and get through this tough time. I will make it work, though in this mood, I don't see how.
I sat down to this entry hours ago, and only made it through the first paragraph before my privacy was stolen away (see paragraph #4). Before I was able to sit back down to it, I was invited over to a friend's house. I went with the hope that some time away from my house, and my roommate, spent with good friends would at least give me perspective enough to overcome some of these problems. At this point I realize, as I sit at home at 3:30am eating chocolate and lamenting about my life to people who won't, can't, or don't want to care/understand, that I was overcome by wishfull thinking and that this battle will not be so easily won, to say nothing of the war.
Merry Fucking Christmas
P.S. This isn't one of this "cry for help" kind of things, this is a "resolve myself to a solution" kind of thing. I'm not suicidal, so guys please don't get worried. I know I have plenty of things to live for and that is all the motivation I need to make sure I make it through this. I wrote this to fortify myself for the long fight I know is coming. Thank you in advance for your concern. Good Night...
I was having a bad day last week, and a guy that I work with came up to me and could tell i was in a bad mood... He tried to talk to me about it, but my instinctive internalization took over and I began dodging his questions. The next thing out of his mouth was "Have you ever thought about medication?" I was kind of taken aback for a second, and responded with "It's never that bad..." After the last few days, I've come to reconsider that statement.
I feel like I'm being overly melodramatic, but I am in this inescapably miserable situation. I can't imagine how I could be less happy with my life (and i use life in the most general and all-encompassing of terms).
Roommates are the DEVIL! I have had one for a year, and in the words of the great Ryan Short, he sucks my soul! Looking back, the decision to engage in my current lease with this person (whom we all know, so I dont have to say his name) is by far the most regrettable thing I've ever done. I'm not the kind of person that is prone to regret, ever, because I do my best to look at everything, good and bad, as a learning experience. This on the other hand, I fight every day not to regret, and work hard to try to find the lesson in it. I'm almost convinced that it's just not there. I bring this horrible predicament up as the first illustration of the sources of my depression and anxiety. The problems he causes seem infinite in number... a never ending vicious cycle of fight after fight. Had he been just a friend all this time...he would be long gone now. Unfortunatley, finding such closure is impossible. I'm locked into my lease, and can't get out of it for 9 more months. I have to live with this constant anguish for almost another year of my life. It feels like such a waste, no one my age should have to feel this way all the time. I should be out having fun with my friends and doing all the things I want to do (which isn't to say that I don't) but wherever I go, and whatever I do, dreading what I have to come home to pervades my every thought. It's a sad thing when you can't go home to a place that feels like your sanctuary, but instead, you have to come home to a warzone, 24/7. Where can I find some much needed solace?
I'm only becoming more melodramatic... I should stop this before I take it too far... Oh, but look... here I go again...
In all honesty, my Christmas sucked. I was not in the spirit this year, at all. Not for any particular reason, but just never had any real incentive to rejoice... only a constant flow of stressfull activities. Happy as I am that the whole thing is over now, all the other things that weigh on me haven't really allowed me to recover my once crowd-pleasing jubilance.
I've never really considered seeking counseling, because it's always been my firm belief that no matter what gets thrown my way, I can handle it, by myself... I know I can overcome any obstacle. On the medication issue, I have to categorize that as help, and since I stand steadfast by my previous statement, it is henceforth my decision to do what it takes, on my own... and get through this tough time. I will make it work, though in this mood, I don't see how.
I sat down to this entry hours ago, and only made it through the first paragraph before my privacy was stolen away (see paragraph #4). Before I was able to sit back down to it, I was invited over to a friend's house. I went with the hope that some time away from my house, and my roommate, spent with good friends would at least give me perspective enough to overcome some of these problems. At this point I realize, as I sit at home at 3:30am eating chocolate and lamenting about my life to people who won't, can't, or don't want to care/understand, that I was overcome by wishfull thinking and that this battle will not be so easily won, to say nothing of the war.
Merry Fucking Christmas
P.S. This isn't one of this "cry for help" kind of things, this is a "resolve myself to a solution" kind of thing. I'm not suicidal, so guys please don't get worried. I know I have plenty of things to live for and that is all the motivation I need to make sure I make it through this. I wrote this to fortify myself for the long fight I know is coming. Thank you in advance for your concern. Good Night...