Hmm
I'd say I can see several fruits of my practice lately. While I still don't have much in the way of sitting meditation, I have been more regular about morning and evening prostrations; I've noticed more awareness going in and out of sleep, and I'm now convinced of the usefulness of that practice.
I've been working on translation with Dawn Mountain and even hope to help them independently publish in such as way as to help raise funds. I've been cultivating bodhicitta (菩提心 བྱང་ཆུབ་ཀྱི་སེམས་) in a way that's starting to be more genuine and less put on. I've been practicing the six pāramitā more systematically, especially cultivating patience/forbearance (kṣānti), an effort that's greatly enhanced by better practice of the four foundations of mindfulness -- especially mindfulness of feelings. I think I long undervalued feelings.
And perhaps as big of a break through as I've had in my whole time studying Buddhism, I've realized just how much of my long-standing aspirations (well developed meditation, keeping the precepts, etc) were based on attachment-to-self; I just wanted to have a particular self-image, and wanted other people to have the same image of me. I wanted to be free of shame and guilt myself, and wanted others to admire me for my developed practice and all that business.
Those are deep seated feelings based on the sort of basic insecurities everyone experiences, and I don't expect to fully shed them anytime soon -- in fact, at the moment, I try not to aim to achieve any particular result overall. But I do feel that I'm more in touch with what's going on in my mind and body, that as insignificant of an increased awareness as it may be, it's brought significant and positive change.
I've been working on translation with Dawn Mountain and even hope to help them independently publish in such as way as to help raise funds. I've been cultivating bodhicitta (菩提心 བྱང་ཆུབ་ཀྱི་སེམས་) in a way that's starting to be more genuine and less put on. I've been practicing the six pāramitā more systematically, especially cultivating patience/forbearance (kṣānti), an effort that's greatly enhanced by better practice of the four foundations of mindfulness -- especially mindfulness of feelings. I think I long undervalued feelings.
And perhaps as big of a break through as I've had in my whole time studying Buddhism, I've realized just how much of my long-standing aspirations (well developed meditation, keeping the precepts, etc) were based on attachment-to-self; I just wanted to have a particular self-image, and wanted other people to have the same image of me. I wanted to be free of shame and guilt myself, and wanted others to admire me for my developed practice and all that business.
Those are deep seated feelings based on the sort of basic insecurities everyone experiences, and I don't expect to fully shed them anytime soon -- in fact, at the moment, I try not to aim to achieve any particular result overall. But I do feel that I'm more in touch with what's going on in my mind and body, that as insignificant of an increased awareness as it may be, it's brought significant and positive change.