28: The Beard
Title: The Beard
Author: Leah
Rating: PG. Probably.
Summary: Drunkenness leads to a stupid idea. Like usual.
Notes: Sharmy went out of her way to be nice to Simon and here I am, being a dick again. Sorry, Simon.
“I’m a little worried about my mum,” Simon confided in Paisley one evening. They’d drunk a bit of spiked punch at a Celebrity Politics party that they weren’t quite sure why they were at. As a result, they were both rather tipsy.
“I didn’t even know your mum was here,” said Paisley. “I thought because you were British that you were on exchange.”
“No, we’ve moved here, basically,” said Simon.
“Oh,” said Paisley, and flopped down onto a couch, pulling Simon with her by his upper arm so that he sprawled down beside her. “What are you worried about?”
“I think my mum might be having suspicions that I’m gay,” said Simon, spilling punch on his jumper and white dress shirt and looking dismayed. “Fuck,” he said unhappily.
“Might it be because you constantly say ‘I’m gay’?” suggested Paisley.
Simon looked up from the stain on his sweater to give Paisley a look. “I don’t say that at home,” he pointed out and tried to stand up. He sat down quite quickly after. “Apparently,” he said matter-of-factly, “my legs have decided to stop working.”
“Hmm,” said Paisley. “Anyway, would your mum have a problem with you being gay?”
“I’ve no idea!” said Simon a little desperately. “The very concept of her finding out terrifies me!” He placed his punch on the arm of the couch and it promptly fell off into his lap. Looking at it, Simon decided that it wasn’t worth it, and ignored it entirely. “I’ve been thinking of getting a beard, maybe,” he said.
“Really?” asked Paisley, turning to look at him. “I dunno. It might make you look a little more manly but it’s not worth it on the whole.”
“Not a literal beard!” said Simon. “I mean more like…a sort of pretend girlfriend.”
“That sounds like a pretty good idea, I guess,” said Paisley.
“Do you want to do it?” asked Simon suddenly. “I mean, it wouldn’t be too hard for me; you’re quite like a man already.” Paisley decided to take this as a compliment.
“I dunno,” said Paisley. “What would I have to do?”
“Um,” said Simon, “I’m not sure. Be seen with me publicly, obviously. Hand-holding. Continue with the random cuddles, I think. That’s about it.”
“What about snogging you senseless?” asked Paisley but this was only in her mind.
And so it was that Paisley became the beard of Simon Amstell due to a drunken night, and they arranged to have a public sort of high profile date of convenience. Also due to the drunkenness, the place they had arranged was just a random restaurant downtown where they wouldn’t exactly make a very high profile.
“This isn’t going to prove anything to anyone, really,” said Paisley thoughtfully once they had sat down.
“Well, Guelph is probably the first step,” said Simon weakly. He was feeling a little embarrassed about the whole thing. In fact, he was just about to call the whole thing off and just face his mum when their waiter arrived.
“What the shit can I get for you fuckers?” asked the waiter loudly. It was Rich Fulcher. Obviously.
“How haven’t you lost your job here yet?” asked Simon with some interest.
“I don’t know!” said Rich excitedly. “This place really fucking needs staff bad, probably. Anyways, you want food and shit, right?”
“Just food, please,” said Simon, leaning automatically a little back from Rich.
“One food coming right up,” said Rich, scrawling across his pad of paper.
“The same for me,” said Paisley, interested to see what would happen.
“We don’t serve that,” said Rich, giving her a very serious expression. “I’ll just give you whatever the fuck the little scribble man is having.” He turned away and walked off, saying, “I am a fucking job whore,” as he left.
They were silent for a little while after he had gone.
“I wonder what we’re going to get,” Paisley said.
“It’ll probably be edible,” said Simon. “No, who am I kidding. I’m as in the dark as you.”
“Simon?” said someone off to their side. A middle-aged woman approached the table.
“Oh, hi, Mum,” Simon said, his voice rising in pitch a little. Simon’s mum turned to look at Paisley.
“Who’s this?” she asked straightforwardly.
“Oh, uh,” said Simon, “Mum, this is Paisley. My, er, girlfriend.” Simon’s mum looked at Simon, back at Paisley, then turned to Simon again.
“But Simon,” she said, “I always thought you were gay.”
“Oh, yes?” squeaked Simon.
“To be perfectly frank,” said his mum, and then was, “I’d really much prefer it if you were. I don’t know if I very much like this Paisley.”
“Hey!” said Paisley.
“Oh, well, in that case, then, yes, I am gay,” said Simon.
“I’m so relieved, love,” said Simon’s mum.
“Hey!” repeated Paisley, but neither Simon nor his mum paid her any heed.
“Okay,” said Rich, advancing on the table, “I’ve got things in a pile of stuff with other food shit on the side. This is yours, right?”
THE END
Author: Leah
Rating: PG. Probably.
Summary: Drunkenness leads to a stupid idea. Like usual.
Notes: Sharmy went out of her way to be nice to Simon and here I am, being a dick again. Sorry, Simon.
“I’m a little worried about my mum,” Simon confided in Paisley one evening. They’d drunk a bit of spiked punch at a Celebrity Politics party that they weren’t quite sure why they were at. As a result, they were both rather tipsy.
“I didn’t even know your mum was here,” said Paisley. “I thought because you were British that you were on exchange.”
“No, we’ve moved here, basically,” said Simon.
“Oh,” said Paisley, and flopped down onto a couch, pulling Simon with her by his upper arm so that he sprawled down beside her. “What are you worried about?”
“I think my mum might be having suspicions that I’m gay,” said Simon, spilling punch on his jumper and white dress shirt and looking dismayed. “Fuck,” he said unhappily.
“Might it be because you constantly say ‘I’m gay’?” suggested Paisley.
Simon looked up from the stain on his sweater to give Paisley a look. “I don’t say that at home,” he pointed out and tried to stand up. He sat down quite quickly after. “Apparently,” he said matter-of-factly, “my legs have decided to stop working.”
“Hmm,” said Paisley. “Anyway, would your mum have a problem with you being gay?”
“I’ve no idea!” said Simon a little desperately. “The very concept of her finding out terrifies me!” He placed his punch on the arm of the couch and it promptly fell off into his lap. Looking at it, Simon decided that it wasn’t worth it, and ignored it entirely. “I’ve been thinking of getting a beard, maybe,” he said.
“Really?” asked Paisley, turning to look at him. “I dunno. It might make you look a little more manly but it’s not worth it on the whole.”
“Not a literal beard!” said Simon. “I mean more like…a sort of pretend girlfriend.”
“That sounds like a pretty good idea, I guess,” said Paisley.
“Do you want to do it?” asked Simon suddenly. “I mean, it wouldn’t be too hard for me; you’re quite like a man already.” Paisley decided to take this as a compliment.
“I dunno,” said Paisley. “What would I have to do?”
“Um,” said Simon, “I’m not sure. Be seen with me publicly, obviously. Hand-holding. Continue with the random cuddles, I think. That’s about it.”
“What about snogging you senseless?” asked Paisley but this was only in her mind.
And so it was that Paisley became the beard of Simon Amstell due to a drunken night, and they arranged to have a public sort of high profile date of convenience. Also due to the drunkenness, the place they had arranged was just a random restaurant downtown where they wouldn’t exactly make a very high profile.
“This isn’t going to prove anything to anyone, really,” said Paisley thoughtfully once they had sat down.
“Well, Guelph is probably the first step,” said Simon weakly. He was feeling a little embarrassed about the whole thing. In fact, he was just about to call the whole thing off and just face his mum when their waiter arrived.
“What the shit can I get for you fuckers?” asked the waiter loudly. It was Rich Fulcher. Obviously.
“How haven’t you lost your job here yet?” asked Simon with some interest.
“I don’t know!” said Rich excitedly. “This place really fucking needs staff bad, probably. Anyways, you want food and shit, right?”
“Just food, please,” said Simon, leaning automatically a little back from Rich.
“One food coming right up,” said Rich, scrawling across his pad of paper.
“The same for me,” said Paisley, interested to see what would happen.
“We don’t serve that,” said Rich, giving her a very serious expression. “I’ll just give you whatever the fuck the little scribble man is having.” He turned away and walked off, saying, “I am a fucking job whore,” as he left.
They were silent for a little while after he had gone.
“I wonder what we’re going to get,” Paisley said.
“It’ll probably be edible,” said Simon. “No, who am I kidding. I’m as in the dark as you.”
“Simon?” said someone off to their side. A middle-aged woman approached the table.
“Oh, hi, Mum,” Simon said, his voice rising in pitch a little. Simon’s mum turned to look at Paisley.
“Who’s this?” she asked straightforwardly.
“Oh, uh,” said Simon, “Mum, this is Paisley. My, er, girlfriend.” Simon’s mum looked at Simon, back at Paisley, then turned to Simon again.
“But Simon,” she said, “I always thought you were gay.”
“Oh, yes?” squeaked Simon.
“To be perfectly frank,” said his mum, and then was, “I’d really much prefer it if you were. I don’t know if I very much like this Paisley.”
“Hey!” said Paisley.
“Oh, well, in that case, then, yes, I am gay,” said Simon.
“I’m so relieved, love,” said Simon’s mum.
“Hey!” repeated Paisley, but neither Simon nor his mum paid her any heed.
“Okay,” said Rich, advancing on the table, “I’ve got things in a pile of stuff with other food shit on the side. This is yours, right?”
THE END