25: The Diary
Title: The Diary
Author: Paisley
Rating: PG because Russell is there. And Paisley's inner thoughts.
Summary: Paisley's diary gets found and read by everyone.
Notes: FUN FACT: The first line of this story is actually what I did when I started writing this story. WOW!
“I don’t know what to write,” Paisley whined.
“When’s your essay due?” Leah asked, knitting on Paisley’s bed.
“In five hours,” Paisley replied, sitting at her desk, head on her laptop.
“Ah, that’s not good, then,” Leah stated.
“No, it’s not,” Paisley agreed. “Where’s Sharmie? She should be in here. She’s better about busting my balls to get my work done.”
“I think she’s downstairs with Noel,” said Leah, beginning a new row of stitches.
“What?!” Paisley cried, sitting upright. “I will slice out her intestines and tie them around her legs, then dangle her off a cliff overlooking a pile of mousetraps!”
“Relax, I think they’re just playing that Munchkin game or something,” added Leah, seeming completely disinterested. “Plus, she has a boyfriend.”
“Yeah, but he’s not around much, is he?” Paisley pointed out. “I can imagine she gets pretty lonely when he’s away.”
“So? You don’t even have a boyfriend,” Leah scoffed.
“Exactly. So I would know,” Paisley replied, her eyes growing with manic rage.
“Just shut up and write your damn paper, you whiny bitch,” Leah said seriously. Then she added a little smile to indicate she was joking, because they are BFFs. But really, she was serious.
“I think I should go investigate,” Paisley declared, stampeding to the door. It takes quite a wrath for a single person to be able to stampede, so you know she’s got to be pissed.
Leah followed out of sheer boredom. “Would you stop being so protective of him. He’s his own person, you don’t own him.”
“Yet,” Paisley corrected. But she didn’t say this out loud.
“We all know you have a crush on him,” Leah continued.
“What?”
“Well, maybe not crush, but you do have creepy, and occasionally dementedly sexual, thoughts about him.”
“Wait, how do you know about those?”
“Your diary.”
“You read my diary?”
“What can I say? I like to read in the bathroom, it was there. I’m sorry.”
“Why was it in the bathroom?”
“I don’t know, elves? All I know is, if I saw it, anyone could have seen it.”
"Anyone?!" Paisley asked, horrified. "Like who?"
"Well, you know how many people come through here on a regular basis," Leah explained, "I mean, there's Sharmie and Noel for starters, but even Julian could have read it. Or Russell. Or Richard Ayoade, when he's not fighting hell demons. Or Simon, or even Matt."
"Matt?"
"Yeah, Matt Berry."
"Who's Matt Berry?"
"You remember, the man on the moon?" said Leah. "He's been here a couple times, but you've been kind of antisocial lately and missed it."
"Oh. Is he nice?" asked Paisley.
"Yes," Leah replied, "but don't get any ideas about him. We're kind of dating."
Paisley didn't think it was worth asking what "kind of dating" meant, because she got bored after hearing he was spoken for and her mind distracted itself with thoughts of Noel in a beret and nothing else, juggling peaches.
"You're thinking about Noel juggling peaches naked, aren't you?" Leah added, interrupting Paisley's thoughts.
"Wha-? How did you-?"
"This is why you shouldn't leave your diary lying around, especially when you write stuff like, 'Sometimes I stare off into space and daydream about Noel juggling fruit while wearing next to nothing. Usually peaches.' That's just weird, and oddly specific."
"I have no idea how my diary got there, though," Paisley explained, flailing her arms in a cartoony fashion, "someone must be sneaking into my room and rummaging through my stuff, because I keep it well-hidden!"
"It doesn't really matter now, does it? It's out there," Leah said. "Let's just go downstairs and forget about it, shall we?"
Paisley decided it would be best to forget about it. It was probably only Leah who had read it anyway, because she has no sense of personal space. She followed Leah downstairs and joined the gang that had formed there.
The gang consisted of Sharmie, Noel, Julian, Russell, Richard Ayoade (on a break from fighting hell demons), Simon, and Matt. Oh, and Rich Fulcher was there too. He was repairing the refrigerator which had been on the fritz for several days, though it really wasn't a big deal since the roommates had no food in it anyway.
When Leah and Paisley got to the kitchen, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at them. Then, suddenly, they all burst out laughing.
"Paisley! We were just talking about you!" Noel said cheerfully.
"I never knew you were a writer," said Julian, in a somewhat tongue-in-cheek manner.
"What do you mean?" Paisley asked, wary.
"Noel's just been reading us some of your short stories," added Russell, "and I must say, they are quite…interesting, to say the least. There's a certain allure to the grotesque debauchery of it all." There was a mischievous gleam in his eye.
Paisley laughed nervously. "What short stories?"
"These!" grinned Noel, holding up Paisley's diary proudly.
"It is fantastic surreal literature," Matt Berry said in his booming voice.
Paisley recognized him right away as the man on the moon, so she had to avoid thinking her kind of thoughts about him.
"I particularly liked the way they were put together in a diary style," Julian added seriously, nodding. "Very subversive."
"I can't say I quite got it," said Richard Ayoade quietly, next to Sharmie, looking a little embarrassed, "but I can see the imagination and creativity that must be behind it."
"Yeah, it was kind of creepy, well, extremely creepy…terrifying, really, but the stories were well written, I guess," said Sharmie in a reassuring manner.
"Well, I thought they were shit," Simon said, shrugging. "But what do I know, anyway? I'm from South!" he added with sarcastic glee.
"Wait, you're talking about that book that was in the bathroom that was called 'Paisley's Diary'?" Leah asked in disbelief.
"Yeah," Noel said happily, "a brilliant way of self-publishing too, I might add. Made me feel like I was part of a performance art piece or something."
"So you guys liked it?" Paisley asked, quite confused.
"Yeah," said Rich emphatically, standing in the fridge, "I particularly like the ones about the small girly man."
"Are you talking about me?" asked Simon, insulted.
"No, the pointed man-lady with the big boots and the hair," Rich replied, rubbing his nipples.
"He means me," Noel stated, rolling his eyes. "But yeah, those chapters were genius. The things that your character was doing to my character: well creepy."
"It's quite chilling," Julian agreed, "Particularly the portrayal of my character as someone who enjoys being gagged with a satsuma and whipped with strawberry bootlaces. Filled me with terror - yet I could not put the book down. Riveting."
Paisley and Leah exchanged glances, both of them quite unsure of what exactly was going on.
"I got a question, though, love," Russell began, sauntering over to the girls, "so, in this book there're stories about Noely an' Ju here, and even one about Simon - he had to leave the room while we read it - but none about yours truly. Why might that be?"
"Uh…um…well…" Paisley stammered. She had no idea how to respond to that. All she wanted to do was run upstairs and hide in her room. Either that, or push Russell onto the table and tie him there with his own hair...wait. "I'll write one now!" she declared triumphantly, grabbing the diary and a pen to write her thoughts.
The gang sat around, quiet and patient, as Paisley scrawled out the next "story". When she was done, she read it aloud to them and they applauded.
"That was quite good," Russell said, grinning, "actually, I'd rather like that, I think." He was joking. Probably. "Would you really be into that?"
Everyone laughed.
"Yes," Paisley said seriously, "Yes, Russell Brand, I would."
Then she pushed him onto the table and tied him down with his own hair. But everything after people were laughing was only in her mind.
"Well, guys," Leah said, getting annoyed with the fact that people liked these stories which were not, in fact, well-written pieces of fiction, but psychotic journal entries with bad grammar, "I hate to break this up, but Paisley, don't you have an essay due in three hours?"
"Is it the Sexuality and Wheat essay?" Julian asked eagerly.
Paisley nodded shyly.
"You could start with this story called 'Julian Barratt and the Wheat Stalk'," he suggested. "I'll come help, if you want, we'll have this sucker written in no time." No one still quite knew why he was so fascinated with the study of wheat sex, but they didn't dare ask.
"Alright, that about does it, guys," Rich said as he closed the refrigerator, having repaired it, "the food cold-making box is back in working order. I guess that means I'm off, fuckers."
"I should go too," Simon said, suddenly realizing he had been sitting in their kitchen all afternoon and missed two classes, "Why did I even come here in the first place?"
"You came with me, remember?" Russell told him, putting an arm around his shoulder.
"So it's just been a day of poor choices for me, then," Simon replied.
Rich, Russell, and Simon all left after Paisley and Julian had gone upstairs.
"Well, this has been quite a day for me, too," Richard Ayoade said, a little bewildered about some of the things he had seen and heard that day, "good thing I can just-"
Before he could finish his thoughts, the refrigerator came alive and lunged at where he and Sharmie were sitting. He grabbed Sharmie out of the way, and pulled out his sword. He took his fighting stance and the fridge lunged at him again, and he stabbed. The refrigerator screamed and a medium-sized demon flew out of it, wailing. It glared and Richard and then lunged at him one more time. This time, when Richard thrust his sword through the demon, they both instantly disappeared and were transported to an alternate, demon dimension.
"Oh, not again!" cried Sharmie.
Noel offered her a comforting hug sympathetically. "I made Patrick Fish a hat today," he said, desperately trying to lighten the situation, "do you want to come help me try to get it on him? Might cheer you up a bit."
Sharmie nodded glumly and went with Noel to see his fish.
Leah was alone in the kitchen and sat at the table, holding her knitting. "What the fuck just happened?" she thought to herself. Then she opened the fridge a couple times in search of food, found nothing, gave up and went up to her room to work on labeling all her iTunes tracks.
At least Leah thought she was alone, but actually Matt Berry was still there. He was a little saddened by Leah's abandonment and started singing a song.
THE END.
Author: Paisley
Rating: PG because Russell is there. And Paisley's inner thoughts.
Summary: Paisley's diary gets found and read by everyone.
Notes: FUN FACT: The first line of this story is actually what I did when I started writing this story. WOW!
“I don’t know what to write,” Paisley whined.
“When’s your essay due?” Leah asked, knitting on Paisley’s bed.
“In five hours,” Paisley replied, sitting at her desk, head on her laptop.
“Ah, that’s not good, then,” Leah stated.
“No, it’s not,” Paisley agreed. “Where’s Sharmie? She should be in here. She’s better about busting my balls to get my work done.”
“I think she’s downstairs with Noel,” said Leah, beginning a new row of stitches.
“What?!” Paisley cried, sitting upright. “I will slice out her intestines and tie them around her legs, then dangle her off a cliff overlooking a pile of mousetraps!”
“Relax, I think they’re just playing that Munchkin game or something,” added Leah, seeming completely disinterested. “Plus, she has a boyfriend.”
“Yeah, but he’s not around much, is he?” Paisley pointed out. “I can imagine she gets pretty lonely when he’s away.”
“So? You don’t even have a boyfriend,” Leah scoffed.
“Exactly. So I would know,” Paisley replied, her eyes growing with manic rage.
“Just shut up and write your damn paper, you whiny bitch,” Leah said seriously. Then she added a little smile to indicate she was joking, because they are BFFs. But really, she was serious.
“I think I should go investigate,” Paisley declared, stampeding to the door. It takes quite a wrath for a single person to be able to stampede, so you know she’s got to be pissed.
Leah followed out of sheer boredom. “Would you stop being so protective of him. He’s his own person, you don’t own him.”
“Yet,” Paisley corrected. But she didn’t say this out loud.
“We all know you have a crush on him,” Leah continued.
“What?”
“Well, maybe not crush, but you do have creepy, and occasionally dementedly sexual, thoughts about him.”
“Wait, how do you know about those?”
“Your diary.”
“You read my diary?”
“What can I say? I like to read in the bathroom, it was there. I’m sorry.”
“Why was it in the bathroom?”
“I don’t know, elves? All I know is, if I saw it, anyone could have seen it.”
"Anyone?!" Paisley asked, horrified. "Like who?"
"Well, you know how many people come through here on a regular basis," Leah explained, "I mean, there's Sharmie and Noel for starters, but even Julian could have read it. Or Russell. Or Richard Ayoade, when he's not fighting hell demons. Or Simon, or even Matt."
"Matt?"
"Yeah, Matt Berry."
"Who's Matt Berry?"
"You remember, the man on the moon?" said Leah. "He's been here a couple times, but you've been kind of antisocial lately and missed it."
"Oh. Is he nice?" asked Paisley.
"Yes," Leah replied, "but don't get any ideas about him. We're kind of dating."
Paisley didn't think it was worth asking what "kind of dating" meant, because she got bored after hearing he was spoken for and her mind distracted itself with thoughts of Noel in a beret and nothing else, juggling peaches.
"You're thinking about Noel juggling peaches naked, aren't you?" Leah added, interrupting Paisley's thoughts.
"Wha-? How did you-?"
"This is why you shouldn't leave your diary lying around, especially when you write stuff like, 'Sometimes I stare off into space and daydream about Noel juggling fruit while wearing next to nothing. Usually peaches.' That's just weird, and oddly specific."
"I have no idea how my diary got there, though," Paisley explained, flailing her arms in a cartoony fashion, "someone must be sneaking into my room and rummaging through my stuff, because I keep it well-hidden!"
"It doesn't really matter now, does it? It's out there," Leah said. "Let's just go downstairs and forget about it, shall we?"
Paisley decided it would be best to forget about it. It was probably only Leah who had read it anyway, because she has no sense of personal space. She followed Leah downstairs and joined the gang that had formed there.
The gang consisted of Sharmie, Noel, Julian, Russell, Richard Ayoade (on a break from fighting hell demons), Simon, and Matt. Oh, and Rich Fulcher was there too. He was repairing the refrigerator which had been on the fritz for several days, though it really wasn't a big deal since the roommates had no food in it anyway.
When Leah and Paisley got to the kitchen, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at them. Then, suddenly, they all burst out laughing.
"Paisley! We were just talking about you!" Noel said cheerfully.
"I never knew you were a writer," said Julian, in a somewhat tongue-in-cheek manner.
"What do you mean?" Paisley asked, wary.
"Noel's just been reading us some of your short stories," added Russell, "and I must say, they are quite…interesting, to say the least. There's a certain allure to the grotesque debauchery of it all." There was a mischievous gleam in his eye.
Paisley laughed nervously. "What short stories?"
"These!" grinned Noel, holding up Paisley's diary proudly.
"It is fantastic surreal literature," Matt Berry said in his booming voice.
Paisley recognized him right away as the man on the moon, so she had to avoid thinking her kind of thoughts about him.
"I particularly liked the way they were put together in a diary style," Julian added seriously, nodding. "Very subversive."
"I can't say I quite got it," said Richard Ayoade quietly, next to Sharmie, looking a little embarrassed, "but I can see the imagination and creativity that must be behind it."
"Yeah, it was kind of creepy, well, extremely creepy…terrifying, really, but the stories were well written, I guess," said Sharmie in a reassuring manner.
"Well, I thought they were shit," Simon said, shrugging. "But what do I know, anyway? I'm from South!" he added with sarcastic glee.
"Wait, you're talking about that book that was in the bathroom that was called 'Paisley's Diary'?" Leah asked in disbelief.
"Yeah," Noel said happily, "a brilliant way of self-publishing too, I might add. Made me feel like I was part of a performance art piece or something."
"So you guys liked it?" Paisley asked, quite confused.
"Yeah," said Rich emphatically, standing in the fridge, "I particularly like the ones about the small girly man."
"Are you talking about me?" asked Simon, insulted.
"No, the pointed man-lady with the big boots and the hair," Rich replied, rubbing his nipples.
"He means me," Noel stated, rolling his eyes. "But yeah, those chapters were genius. The things that your character was doing to my character: well creepy."
"It's quite chilling," Julian agreed, "Particularly the portrayal of my character as someone who enjoys being gagged with a satsuma and whipped with strawberry bootlaces. Filled me with terror - yet I could not put the book down. Riveting."
Paisley and Leah exchanged glances, both of them quite unsure of what exactly was going on.
"I got a question, though, love," Russell began, sauntering over to the girls, "so, in this book there're stories about Noely an' Ju here, and even one about Simon - he had to leave the room while we read it - but none about yours truly. Why might that be?"
"Uh…um…well…" Paisley stammered. She had no idea how to respond to that. All she wanted to do was run upstairs and hide in her room. Either that, or push Russell onto the table and tie him there with his own hair...wait. "I'll write one now!" she declared triumphantly, grabbing the diary and a pen to write her thoughts.
The gang sat around, quiet and patient, as Paisley scrawled out the next "story". When she was done, she read it aloud to them and they applauded.
"That was quite good," Russell said, grinning, "actually, I'd rather like that, I think." He was joking. Probably. "Would you really be into that?"
Everyone laughed.
"Yes," Paisley said seriously, "Yes, Russell Brand, I would."
Then she pushed him onto the table and tied him down with his own hair. But everything after people were laughing was only in her mind.
"Well, guys," Leah said, getting annoyed with the fact that people liked these stories which were not, in fact, well-written pieces of fiction, but psychotic journal entries with bad grammar, "I hate to break this up, but Paisley, don't you have an essay due in three hours?"
"Is it the Sexuality and Wheat essay?" Julian asked eagerly.
Paisley nodded shyly.
"You could start with this story called 'Julian Barratt and the Wheat Stalk'," he suggested. "I'll come help, if you want, we'll have this sucker written in no time." No one still quite knew why he was so fascinated with the study of wheat sex, but they didn't dare ask.
"Alright, that about does it, guys," Rich said as he closed the refrigerator, having repaired it, "the food cold-making box is back in working order. I guess that means I'm off, fuckers."
"I should go too," Simon said, suddenly realizing he had been sitting in their kitchen all afternoon and missed two classes, "Why did I even come here in the first place?"
"You came with me, remember?" Russell told him, putting an arm around his shoulder.
"So it's just been a day of poor choices for me, then," Simon replied.
Rich, Russell, and Simon all left after Paisley and Julian had gone upstairs.
"Well, this has been quite a day for me, too," Richard Ayoade said, a little bewildered about some of the things he had seen and heard that day, "good thing I can just-"
Before he could finish his thoughts, the refrigerator came alive and lunged at where he and Sharmie were sitting. He grabbed Sharmie out of the way, and pulled out his sword. He took his fighting stance and the fridge lunged at him again, and he stabbed. The refrigerator screamed and a medium-sized demon flew out of it, wailing. It glared and Richard and then lunged at him one more time. This time, when Richard thrust his sword through the demon, they both instantly disappeared and were transported to an alternate, demon dimension.
"Oh, not again!" cried Sharmie.
Noel offered her a comforting hug sympathetically. "I made Patrick Fish a hat today," he said, desperately trying to lighten the situation, "do you want to come help me try to get it on him? Might cheer you up a bit."
Sharmie nodded glumly and went with Noel to see his fish.
Leah was alone in the kitchen and sat at the table, holding her knitting. "What the fuck just happened?" she thought to herself. Then she opened the fridge a couple times in search of food, found nothing, gave up and went up to her room to work on labeling all her iTunes tracks.
At least Leah thought she was alone, but actually Matt Berry was still there. He was a little saddened by Leah's abandonment and started singing a song.
THE END.