Friend Surgerykender_ptcNovember 3 2010, 14:05:33 UTC
I don't know if you remember Darcy and Roderick. Darcy had ... issues. Eventually I decided the cost of her friendship exceeded my ability to pay. It cost me a gaming group.
I understand what you are going through. Yes, you should talk to her ONCE to see if you can solve the problem. That way you know in your heart you made the attempt. But if it doesn't work, remove her and walk away.
The make up attempt is essential to your long-term self-esteem; friendships are hard and take work and you need to know you are willing to do that work. On the other hand, removing a cancer that doesn't respond to treatment is also essential to your long-term self-esteem.
I usually assume that most people are not trying to do the manipulation. Most people are not intelligent enough to think that deeply. What they do, they do by habit and instinct. Lisa's instinct seems to be self-protection and self-destruction at the same time. Yes, I believe she is crying because she thinks you don't want to talk to her. And yes, she will do constant demeaning things while talking to you.
I have one sister, an accountant, that words things very poorly. An example would be dressing up special one day and have her say "You look better than normal." What the average person would have said is "You look great." Both have the same meaning, and yet they don't. I know my sister doesn't mean to come across in the belittling way she has, but she does. I try to limit my time with her. On the other hand, she constantly runs to depression and thinks that all of us (sisters and parents) are judging her (I guess because she is constantly judging us). I get to hold her 'hand' on the phone while she cries. I don't think she likes herself too much.
As to "what if she does start to treat me the way I want to be treated and I still can't forgive her ... Am I the person I think I am?"
I would be amazed if she does change. The level of behavior you describe is instinctual and unless she is in therapy (or drugs) to adjust instinct, she won't be able to adjust her behavior for long.
If she does manage to change, and you still can't forgive her, well, you have discovered something about yourself. You haven't changed, you just learned a new facet about yourself. Emotional injury takes a long time to heal. In me, about 2 to 4 years. And some scar tissue remains. Do I still regret needing to remove Darcy from my circle of friends? Yes. Do I still think it was necessary? Yes.
I am able to forgive children for doing truly hurtful things, because, well they are children. I just can't do the same thing with adults. And, here is something to take home with you, YOU SHOULDN'T. You deserve to be treated well!!!!
I understand what you are going through. Yes, you should talk to her ONCE to see if you can solve the problem. That way you know in your heart you made the attempt. But if it doesn't work, remove her and walk away.
The make up attempt is essential to your long-term self-esteem; friendships are hard and take work and you need to know you are willing to do that work. On the other hand, removing a cancer that doesn't respond to treatment is also essential to your long-term self-esteem.
I usually assume that most people are not trying to do the manipulation. Most people are not intelligent enough to think that deeply. What they do, they do by habit and instinct. Lisa's instinct seems to be self-protection and self-destruction at the same time. Yes, I believe she is crying because she thinks you don't want to talk to her. And yes, she will do constant demeaning things while talking to you.
I have one sister, an accountant, that words things very poorly. An example would be dressing up special one day and have her say "You look better than normal." What the average person would have said is "You look great." Both have the same meaning, and yet they don't. I know my sister doesn't mean to come across in the belittling way she has, but she does. I try to limit my time with her. On the other hand, she constantly runs to depression and thinks that all of us (sisters and parents) are judging her (I guess because she is constantly judging us). I get to hold her 'hand' on the phone while she cries. I don't think she likes herself too much.
As to "what if she does start to treat me the way I want to be treated and I still can't forgive her ... Am I the person I think I am?"
I would be amazed if she does change. The level of behavior you describe is instinctual and unless she is in therapy (or drugs) to adjust instinct, she won't be able to adjust her behavior for long.
If she does manage to change, and you still can't forgive her, well, you have discovered something about yourself. You haven't changed, you just learned a new facet about yourself. Emotional injury takes a long time to heal. In me, about 2 to 4 years. And some scar tissue remains. Do I still regret needing to remove Darcy from my circle of friends? Yes. Do I still think it was necessary? Yes.
I am able to forgive children for doing truly hurtful things, because, well they are children. I just can't do the same thing with adults. And, here is something to take home with you, YOU SHOULDN'T. You deserve to be treated well!!!!
Good luck.
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