That Hope We Will Always Know

[owlus]

Title: That Hope We Will Always Know
Pairing(s): Sehun/Lu Han, Sehun/Jongin, Taemin/Jongin
Word Count: 6,688
Genre: Drama, Slight Romance, Pandemic AU
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: The plot is mine and I do not own these pictures.
Warnings: Character Death, Mention of Blood
Summary: Jongin had started counting the hours. He had started counting the minutes, seconds and milliseconds. How long until it was his time? How long until he became infected as well.
A/N: I really pushed myself to write this and I am so proud of it because this is the first fic I've written that was over 3k. I want to thank lovestrucksmile, mintyfresh1, sharpersong for the feedback and always encouraging me. Especially the nice slap in the face by slyfaux. Thanks guys!





Whatever you do, don’t stop running until you smell the sea. Whatever you do, don’t you dare stop. When things get tough, fuck it. You have to survive this. You have to make it to the island before you become one of them. You have to live. You have to survive this.

----☢

Jongin had started counting the hours. He had started counting the minutes, seconds and milliseconds. How long until it was his time? How long until he became infected as well. How long until the virus seeped through his blood stream and took him for everything he is worth.

How long?

As they drove into the night, the sky was a crimson colour of sin and impurities. Sehun had his eyes on the road as he drove. He was zoning in and out of the conversation between Jongin and Lu Han. Periodically, Sehun would look over to Lu Han who was wrapped under a blanket, leaning back and looking out the window into the red. When he checked the rear-view mirror, Jongin was splayed out on the seats in the back, rattling on.

Sehun focused back on the road and he held on tightly to the steering wheel. He should have been used to the colour scheme but he didn’t think he would ever get used to this because to him, this was all a dream. Sometimes Sehun thought about stepping hard on the gas and never letting up, turning the wheel until they would crash and then maybe he’d wake up. Maybe they wouldn’t be the only three that they knew were alive so far. Maybe they wouldn’t be so lost.

Maybe someone would find them.

If there was any hope left, then it would have been pushed aside and buried underneath all the lost and false hopes that were now existent and running free in this new world. It’s been longer than days and a little over four weeks, but things have changed drastically for the worse. The first outbreak happened in Seoul. It wasn’t a coincidence that the capital was struck first, but when it wiped the entire city out, shock rumbled through the country and hit them straight in the core.

The outbreak was the first sign of things changing. The outbreak was only the beginning.

----☢

When Sehun had begun to try and rub the sleep out of his eyes, he knew it was time for a pit stop. They settled for somewhere off of the road where there was a copious amount of trees. It had been a while since their last bathroom break. Earlier, Sehun had told them that they wouldn’t be stopping again for a couple of more hours after this one.

“I’ll be right back.” Jongin finally spoke up as he got out the car. He padded into the darkness so he could take care of business.

It wasn’t long before Lu Han finally spoke up.

“Did you lose it yet?” He asked cautiously. Lu Han watched as Sehun’s grip on the stirring wheel tightened, but his face was still vacant of emotion.

“You already know that answer, Lu han.” Sehun replied carefully. He could feel Lu Han’s gaze on him but he didn’t meet it. He was too afraid of what his eyes might say to him. He was too afraid of feeling secure.

“You shouldn’t have lost it. You promised, you promised.” He heard Lu Han whisper. “Look at me.” And he could hear just how pitiful Lu Han sounded. The distress in his voice had reached the surface and he was so close to falling apart. He was so close to crumbling but he knew that he had to stay strong.

“You cannot help but lose it, Lu Han. What do you expect me to say? You expect me to say that I still have the hope that we once had days ago? Things are looking dangerously bleak now and you know it.” As much as Sehun wanted to hold it in, he could not do that anymore. He manoeuvred in his seat so that he was facing an angry Lu Han.

“Don’t give me that shit! We have to still think the way we once thought before,” he retorted to Sehun. He tried to show his authority but he knew he was beginning to crack, just like Sehun had. Lu Han reached out to grab Sehun’s hand, only to be met with resistance. After a couple of minutes, Sehun had intertwined their fingers and he rubbed smooth circles with his thumb into Lu Han’s knuckle.

“There isn’t any hope.” The weight of what Sehun said was heavier than Lu Han had wanted it to be. Lu Han shook his head as he started to blink the tears away. There was a sad smile on his face. He leaned forward and with his other hand, he started to caress Sehun’s face. Sehun relaxed into his touch, feeling Lu Han’s thumb gently wipe back and forth over his bottom lip. He then opened his eyes to meet Lu Han’s teary ones.

“Kiss me, please.”

Sehun closed the distance as he leaned forward, capturing Lu Han’s lips in a slow kiss. The kiss was full of the harsh truth and the sadness that had took home in Sehun’s heart over time and now Lu Han could feel it. Lu Han pressed back, savouring the kiss. He placed both of his hands on either side of Sehun’s face securely. He didn’t want Sehun to stop. If nothing else mattered, he wanted the kiss to matter. Slowly, they broke apart, the taste of each other lingered. Their lips tingled with satisfaction. Lu Han rested his forehead on Sehun’s and he listened to Sehun’s breathing even out before he spoke up.

“Just…keep the hope for a little longer, please.”

The hope was not just for humanity, but for their lives and their love as well.

Both of them did not know that Jongin was watching them. He had been there for a while now and he heard the exchange between the two. It had made his heart sink a little deeper than it already had begun to do. His stomach felt tight with jealously and he felt like crying but he knew it wouldn’t get him anywhere. He knew that crying only did so much. His crying never stopped the virus from consuming his mom. His crying had never stopped his father from coughing up pints of blood.

Crying had never gotten him far in life and it wouldn’t work now.

After Jongin had collected himself, he went to the car and got in without a word. He noticed that both of them were jittery, like they had done something but he already knew what it was.

“What’s the matter?” He heard Lu Han ask him but Jongin didn’t answer right away.

“I’m…tired.”

Lu Han knew that something else was up but he didn’t press on anymore. Sehun hadn’t said anything at all since Jongin had got into the car. They’d both been on the fringe about things lately.

“I know it is your turn to drive but I’ll take it instead until we reach another place. Hopefully, we might find something.” Or someone, Lu Han wanted to add but he knew not to bring that up. Jongin just nodded and he leaned back to relax in his seat.

As he closed his eyes, he could fully see how all of it was, how all of it had begun. That was Jongin’s dream routine, to remember how the virus had started out.

----☢

6 am.

She must have eaten something wrong or touched something that she wasn’t supposed to. Her skin is cold as ice and she looks like death. It has begun to set in.

8: 32 am.

Her eyes are red as blood and her skin is becoming discoloured. Her heart rate is accelerating. Her lips are beyond chapped, they looked crusted and brittle. Her hair is starting to fall out. She is scratching the same spot over and over again.

9:05 am.

Blood is seeping from her eyes and the corner of her mouth. Her heart rate has slowed down significantly; you can barely hear her breathing. The spot that she had been scratching is an open wound now. It is a mixture of pus and her blood.

9:34 am.

She’s dead.

48 hours later.

She came back to life after foaming at the mouth. She tried to kill us.
It only took one bullet.

It didn’t take long to die from this virus. It just happened. You didn’t have a chance either way.

----☢

“Jongin…look at this.” Sehun called out to Jongin as he slowly drove up into the parking lot of the cheap looking motel. It looked like it had been abandoned but they couldn’t be too sure. Jongin sat up from his seat and he looked out and saw that there was another car in the parking lot. It looked like it had been there for a little while anyways but of course they wouldn’t take any chances.

Lu Han was still asleep in the passenger seat so Sehun carefully parked the car and he got out with Jongin .The two of them geared up. The masks that they put on let others know (if they ever came across other people) that they weren’t infected. They loaded up with their Raging Bulls safely at their sides. Sehun tapped on the window, waking Lu Han up to let him know what they were about to do. Lu Han had just nodded and waited for their return.

The motel was ransacked of all it was worth. Some of the windows were boarded up and all around the ground were pieces of broken glass. Dried contaminated blood smeared on parts of the small motel. They took note to be extremely careful not to lean against it. Even though the blood looked dry, the virus wouldn’t die off so quickly. It still lived on; it clung to anything it could.

The front door was kicked in. As Jongin and Sehun made their way in, the putrid aroma hit them with a force.

“Jesus Christ, can it smell any worse than this?” Jongin brought a gloved covered hand up to his masked nose and he shook his head. Sehun just chuckled at him. When that familiar and unwanted stench was around, they knew that someone was decaying. Someone had gotten the virus and someone had finally killed them, they were left there to rot.

As they progressed on, carefully stepping over blocks of wood and toxic-looking puddles of vomit, they heard a noise. It sounded like a clashing of pots. Instantly, their hand went to guns. Jongin looked and Sehun sharply and then he nodded to him. They were going to head towards the sound. Slowly and carefully, they made their way to the sound. When they came to where it was, they saw a tall and skinny figure.

“Don’t move,” Sehun warned. He cocked his gun and he pulled it up in the air, pointing it to the back of the figure’s head.

“If you want to live, put your hands up,” Jongin said. They watched as the person slowly raised their hands. “Turn around. Slowly.”

And the person did just that. When they finally caught a glimpse of the person’s face in the dimly lit room of the motel, it was someone familiar. Jongin had dropped his gun and was now standing in shock at the person before him.

“T-Taemin…”

It had been a while since Jongin and Taemin had last seen one another. Everything in Jongin screamed to hug Taemin but he knew couldn’t, they had to be sure.

“Are you by yourself?” Jongin asked Taemin as they walked back to the car. Sehun didn’t say anything. He just watched the two. He felt that something was up but he didn’t say anything at all. He pulled down his mask and finally put his gun in his holder. He saw that Lu Han was sitting on the roof of the car, gun in hand staring out into the day.

“Now I am.” Taemin stopped walking. Jongin had stopped walking too and he moved over till he was in front of Taemin. He wanted to touch him but he was scared to. He wanted to hug him, he wanted to tell him that things would be okay but he was scared - he didn’t know if things were going to be okay.

“I had to kill Kibum Hyung. It was one of the things I didn’t want to do. He had been trying too hard to make sure that no one would infect us, he was trying to watch out for me and he didn’t watch out for himself.” Taemin finally looked up at Jongin whose face was blank. He didn’t know how to feel.

“He didn’t tell me, I had to find out. We were changing and I saw the mark on his back. He was infected. I didn’t say anything but he knew that I knew. He asked me to kill him, Jongin. I had to do what I had to do.” Taemin was slightly shaking now. He didn’t even bother to wipe the tears that were escaping. He just let them fall freely. He then looked away, “I’m not infected. I’ve been careful.”

Sehun had watched the exchange with Lu Han. They both just looked at each other and they didn’t say anything. All they did was watch with heavy hearts and uncertainty.

----☢

It was Lu Han’s turn to drive. They were not as far from Mokpo as they thought they were. After they had finally situated and talked about things, Taemin ended up in the back with Jongin. Taemin told them just how he got to the hotel. His parents had gotten the virus as well and he watched it happen. He thought that they would be okay but soon learned what would happen. He had called up Kibum to come and get them and they heard that the only safe place at the moment was Jeju Island, so that was where they were headed.

That was where they were all headed. It was a couple of days ago when the three of them had heard that there were survivors of the virus out on Jeju Island. There weren’t a lot of survivors, but just enough. He had heard that they had already started making small cottages for families and what not.

“Do you know if Jonghyun and Jongdae made it?” Taemin hummed yes. He began to explain how lots of them were already at the island. Besides the virus, things were just falling apart. The first night of the bloodied sky was when things started to set in for Taemin and so he fled with Kibum, not knowing where they were going. He told them how he had to drain his savings.

“Do you know about Zi Tao and Wu Fan?” Lu Han suddenly spoke up. Sehun looked over from the passenger seat to see that Lu Han had gripped the stirring wheel tightly, preparing for the worst. Taemin didn’t say anything for a while.

“Last time I heard Wu Fan was infected but somehow he was surviving. Zi Tao wasn’t about to leave his side at all. Many people told him that he would become just like Wu Fan but Zi Tao didn’t listen. He really didn’t care.” Lu Han’s grip loosened up a bit but he still was on the fence about things. Sehun finally spoke up.

“You mean, Wu Fan is still alive after being infected?” He turned around in his seat and he looked Taemin in the face. Taemin just nodded, his hair moving with him.

“The virus is a mixture of a common cold, bat shit. H1N1 and something else. I forget the name. No one knows exactly what it is called. You know that most people don’t survive from it. Everyone either dies from it right away or they become, for a better lack of words, a Zombie.” Taemin had begun to explain to them the mechanics of it. “It can be airborne as you know, which it already is but most people get it by touching people who are infected. Kissing, fucking, along those lines. Touching any openings gives you a ticket straight to death.”

“But how is Wu Fan surviving, from the last time you heard?” Jongin asked him.

“Because there aren’t many people around, the virus is slowing down. It doesn’t have anyone to cling to. Most of the animals in this part of the world have disappeared. Everything and everyone is gone in Seoul and most people are fleeing to other parts, so when people space out, the rate of life expectancy goes up, just a little bit.” Taemin had pushed his hair back and he settled back into his seat, putting the blanket up around him. He was beyond tired. He had been on his own for about a week now and he used his last bullet on Kibum. He stayed in the old beds of the motel, praying that someone would come and get him.

Taemin closed his eyes but was startled when he felt long thin fingers intertwine with his. He looked over to Jongin and saw a shy smile on his lips. He looked so beautiful yet dangerous against the red night behind the window. Taemin squeezed his hand and he mouthed something to him.

I missed you.

Jongin wanted to say something along the lines of you are safe now or we’ve got you. But he didn’t want to be overly cheesy, so he just squeezed his hand back. He watched as sleep wrapped its loving arms around Taemin.

----☢

It was just their luck that the van had gotten a flat tire. Now would be a good time to fill up on gas anyways. Sehun and Jongin both got out of the car so they could take care of the problem. Lu Han was checking out the map with Taemin to make sure that they were going the right way. They knew that they had to catch a boat at the shore to the island. They didn’t know for sure if there would be a boat but they had hoped.

As Jongin started filling up the gas, Sehun came over to him and leaned against the car. He didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, he just watched Jongin. He wanted to say the right words but he didn’t know what would be okay to say.

“Are you sure he doesn’t have it?” Jongin stopped filling up the tank to look over at incredulously. Jongin doesn’t know whether he should feel insulted or if Sehun is just watching out for him.

“Of course he doesn’t, he would have told us.” Jongin tried to bite the anger back when he said this but he was pretty sure that Sehun noticed it.

“What makes you think he would have told us anyways? Because you guys are friends?”

“Yes, because we are friends. Because he trusts me, Sehun. Taemin would have told me.” Jongin finished filling up the tank and he throws the gallon down on the ground. As he is about to go to the front of the car to get down and change the tired, Sehun grabs his wrist and he pulls him behind the van.

“That’s the problem. Taemin knows that you’re his friend so he isn’t going to tell you because he believes that you believe that everything is okay. What makes you so sure of him? You haven’t seen him in a long time, Jongin.” Sehun’s voice is rough. He really didn’t have the patience to deal with any of this. Jongin doesn’t look at him. He believed that in his heart that maybe someone in his life wouldn’t lie to him like people have been. He believed that Taemin would never lie to him.

“He is someone that wouldn’t lie to me.” Sehun knew this was bound to come up. He had been trying to avoid this. With all that had happen with the outbreak, he never really had time to fully explain things to Jongin.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sehun felt hurt, a little bit defeated. They both new that it was coming to this point. It had been slowly building up. It was like the water that was slowly beating at the dam, trying to break it down.

Jongin just looked at Sehun for a minute until he closed up on him. They were face to face with a few inches between their faces. “You know what it means.” Sehun cleared his throat.

“What does it mean then Jongin?” Sehun waited for what seemed like an eternity until he felt plush and chapped lips grace his. On reflex, Sehun grabbed at Jongin’s wrists, trying to stop him. It wasn’t much of a struggle. It wasn’t really a struggle to begin with. The kiss had Sehun feel like he was floating, the kind of floating when he kissed Lu Han. The kind of floating where he felt safe and where he thought things were going to be alright.

Jongin nibbled at Sehun’s bottom lip, asking permission to taste all of him. Jongin wanted to savour it because he knew that there wouldn't ever be another time. He wanted to savour this kiss and he wanted to pretend that the last taste that Sehun will have in his mouth, on his lips was him.

Reluctantly, Sehun broke the kiss. Not only did he feel that a part of him was with Jongin now but he knew that a part of Jongin was with him now. He never asked for any of this.

Before Sehun could say a word, Jongin had made his way up to deal with the tire. He left Sehun questioning many things. He left him standing behind the van wondering if all the decisions that he had made up until now were wrong. He wasn’t one to ponder so much but after the break out happened, after what was going on between the three of them.

They don’t move that night. They decide that they should just stay out on the road. Jongin may try to act like nothing happened but he couldn’t hide the hurt for long. He was only so strong.

---☢

When they reached Mokpo, it was a desolate land of trash and the smell of the sea. There were bodies in the streets and the place was just a disaster. It looked like it had been like this for a while now. They didn’t stay long. They hurried and gathered some clothing from the vacant and looted stores that were close by. At first it was hard for Lu Han to drive around the bodies, but he knew he should have been used to it by now.

When they found somewhere to park, they split up. Jongin was with Taemin and Sehun with Lu Han. Lu Han wasn’t too sure of this split up but he said nothing as they parted ways for the time being. Sehun and Lu Han were going to go get food and Taemin was going with Jongin to go get any clothes and supplies that they could rake up.

“Only bring as much as you can carry.” Jongin told Taemin as they walked into the small clothing store. Taemin hummed in response.

As Taemin gathered clothes, some of the things held fell. When he bent over to gather them up, a sliver of skin was exposed. Jongin froze as he saw what was on his skin. Taemin was infected but he didn’t say anything. There was a blotch of skin that was a grotesque red and purple right above his backside.

“Taemin, when were you going to tell me?” Jongin tried to keep his voice steady as he walked up to meet Taemin. He looked in his eyes for some truth but Taemin only looked confused.

“What are you talking about?” He questioned back, fixing his shirt with his free hand.

“Bullshit, you know what I am talking about.” Before Taemin could push Jongin away, his shirt was lifted up and he was turned around, exposed and feeling the breeze hitting him. He hissed at the sudden movement. Taemin jerked himself around and he threw the clothes on the ground. He pulled himself away from Jongin and he pressed his hand to the side.

“I was going to tell you.” He retorted to the taller.

“Yes but when Taemin, when were you going to explain to us that you were infected as well?” Jongin shouted back to him, walking closer towards him. Taemin just looked down, holding on the end of his shirt with both of his hands. Jongin decided to just walk away.

“Where are you going?” Taemin shouted to Jongin, trying to stop him but he was power walking and it looked like no words was going to stop Jongin any time soon.

“You know exactly what I’m about to do.” He then felt warm fingers grab at his wrist to stop him but Jongin yanked away from Taemin. They were now in the middle of the street, the clothes long forgotten in the shop. Jongin could see that Sehun and Lu Han were both coming their way. Lu Han had seen the look of distress plastered on Jongin’s face and he and Sehun ran up to the both of them.

“What’s going on?” Lu Han asked. He carefully eyed Taemin who held onto his shirt, not looking at anyone. Jongin tried to gather the words. He didn’t know what exactly to say but he was close to breaking down. Taemin saw the look on Jongin’s face and he reached up and tried to touch him.

Surprisingly, he slapped Taemin’s hand away. “Do not fucking touch me.” Jongin yelled in Taemin’s face.

“I’m sorry!” Taemin didn’t know what else to say but this. He truly was sorry. “I didn’t want to die alone. I didn’t want to be by myself, Jongin. Do you know how hard it was?” He tried to explain to everyone but he knew that it didn’t matter. He was wasting his time giving out excuses. He was a dead man walking anyways.

“What happened?” Sehun finally spoke up. He placed his hand on his raging bull slowly.

“He has it…He has it and he wasn’t going to tell-”

“Bullshit, Jongin! You know I was.”

“No you aren’t going to give me that lie. Don’t even talk to me.” Jongin backed up and now he was standing next to Lu Han who found his hand. Sehun pulled up his gun and he held it, pointing it straight at Taemin. Taemin knew this was going to happen but he didn’t know that it would happen so soon. Soon as Jongin heard Sehun cock the gun, he looked over to him. He wanted to say something but he was at a loss for words. He remembers what Sehun said, the first ground rules as they got into the car the first time to get away from all that was happening.

Taemin looked like he was about to crumble just from where he was. “Please. Don’t leave me here.” He never wanted to have to beg for his own life, but he was. He was more than vulnerable to all that saw him.

“But you know that we can’t take you?” Sehun broke the silence. He beckoned for the other two to just walk away but Jongin’s feet were planted firmly on the ground. Sehun watched as Taemin tried to walk closer to him but he had his finger on the trigger and Taemin saw it, he finally stopped moving forward.

“Just kill me.” He sounded defeated; he didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t want things to end like this but it had to. Jongin felt his heart catch in his throat, he wanted to stop what was about to happen. He wanted to make things okay. He knew he should have just not made a big scene about it but he wished that Taemin had told him. He wished that Taemin would have opened up his mouth and said that he had gotten the virus but he knew that would have only complicated things even further.

Everything became a blur. Jongin could hear the shouts coming from Taemin, begging for Sehun to end his life before he turned into one of them. Before he has nothing left to look forward to just like everything else.

Jongin chose to pretend that he didn’t hear Taemin’s silence. He chose to pretend that he didn’t hear the shot that rung through. Jongin chose to close his eyes as he heard Taemin’s body hit the ground.

Jongin chose to pretend that things were going to be better.

----☢

They continued on driving and they didn’t stop. After they had left Mokpo, they took a detour to a different part of the edge of the country. They knew that the boats would be around this area.

Things weren’t much different except for the thick tension that couldn’t be sliced with a butcher knife. Lu Han decided that it was his turn to drive and Jongin took residence up in the passenger seat while Sehun was out in the back, checking to see if anything was out of place. The only thing that was weird was the rest sky and even that had become normal to them after seeing it for so long.

Earlier they had stopped again to fill up the tank again. Sehun tried to talk to Jongin but it was no use. The thing that made Jongin boil was the fact that Sehun wanted to try and talk now after all those times he tried to get Sehun’s attention but it was all focused on Lu Han.

Lu Han wouldn’t admit it but it felt that none of this would matter anyways, they were going to die. He didn’t believe one bit about the Jeju island business. He only came because it would be their last time together and Lu Han was hoping for the best, at least for something tangible for him to try and remember.

Lu Han remembered clearly sitting in the room with his mother as he watched her deteriorate before his eyes. He felt helpless and sometimes he even felt like it was his fault. He watched her closely while she had the virus. He watched her lose herself and all that she was worth. He watched her die and he watched her come back to life.

He even watched as he pulled the trigger to kill her.

It was imprinted in Lu Han’s memory cavity. It was something that he’d never forget and he wasn’t sure how he could even live with his self. The thought of suicide was tempting far too often. He’d never admit this to Sehun or Jongin because it was a self-conflict. It was within him and he felt that maybe something had to be done.

He felt like more of a monster than his mother had looked when she had turned.

When they had reached the docking area, they finally saw that one tacky boat was left. It was enough room for the three of us and hopefully they’d get to Jeju soon because they didn’t want to waste any more time left here in a land of broken dreams. Jeju was the start over for humanity; it was the last glimmer of hope. They wouldn’t know how to get things in order; how to get back to the way they were but hopefully they would rise up and overcome this.

Lu Han finally parked and they all got out. As if on cue, all of them got out and they gathered what they could. They didn’t have much. Just a couple of items of clothing for the each of them, surprisingly they had enough food and they always had a wonderful supply of gasoline on them. They had small trinkets, reminders of what was the past. They had little of their families belongs. But it wouldn’t matter much, the memories that had been just enough.

After finally packing things up on the boat, Sehun and Jongin had got on. They were just about to untie it from the dock. They were waiting for Lu Han to join them. They watched as Lu Han just stared out into the warmth of the day. He looked fragile, more than he had ever looked before.

Lu Han weighed his choices. If he stayed, he could slowly die even though he already felt dead. Or he could go with them and try and rebuild everything that he had made such as the bonds and the friendships. Lu Han didn’t believe he had it within himself to do it and so he chose to do the only thing he could do.

“Come on Lu, we have to get going.” Jongin called out to him. Lu Han turned around and looked at the both of them. They both could tell that Lu Han wasn’t all there. He looked so far gone.

He never voiced how he felt and perhaps this was a good time. At least this was what Lu Han thought.

He heard Sehun’s voice to call to him but he didn’t respond. Lu Han just looked at him and shook his head. He balled his fists up at his side and he finally looked at the both of them.

“I’m not going.” He said to them. It had them both frozen for a moment until Jongin let out a nervous chuckle. “Stop playing around, we have to go because it will be a while before we get to the island.” Sehun spoke up again as he reached out his hand for Lu Han to grab it.

Lu Han didn’t take his hand. He had no intentions of taking it. He wasn’t going to change his mind. He planned to not go all the way with them. It was Lu Han’s final decision. It had just clicked in him. He would rather just stay here. He was born on this land and he would die here.

“I’m…not going with you guys.” Lu Han said even slower, he put emphasis on not. It caused Sehun to look at him with wide eyes.

He knew that Lu Han wasn’t joking around. Sehun searched Lu Han’s eyes for it to be a lie but it wasn’t.

“Why?” Sehun wanted to scream it; he wanted to shake Lu Han for thinking like this. They had gotten so far. They had seen so much blood and too many people end up like Lu Han’s mother that they couldn’t give up now. They had come so close to making it to where they needed to be.

“I can’t do this anymore guys. I can’t just start over. I’ve spent most of my life building all I have, and now I don’t have it anymore. I have no one.” Both Jongin and Sehun visibly flinched, they didn’t mean much to Lu Han as they would have like to think. It hurt Sehun even more because all his heart spoke of was its love for the older man that stood on the dock.

“I …I killed my mother. I had to do it and you guys know that. I explained everything to you guys but I cannot do this anymore. This is something that I refuse to live with. This is something that I’ll struggle with to the day I die. I can’t…I won’t…” Lu Han babbled between the tears that were coming down his face. Everything was a blur to him, he couldn’t see through his tears. He hugged himself, trying to calm down but it was no use.

He had no purpose.

Sehun just watched him and he felt powerless. “You can’t do this Lu Han. You can’t just leave me.” He screamed out to him. Jongin didn’t say anything. He backed up and watched everything transpire between the two. He knew that Lu Han wouldn’t change his mind at all. Lu Han was one that was very on point with everything and when he made a promise to do something, he executed it perfectly.

However, this was the time where Jongin wished that Lu Han’s perfection would falter and he wouldn’t carry this out because it was never part of the plan.

“This isn’t about you, Sehun.” Lu Han replied curtly.

“I lo-” He was cut off when he saw Lu Han raise the gun up at him that he pulled from behind him. He gulped loudly and he shut his mouth tightly, pressing his lips in a thin line.

“Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.” Lu Han pleaded as he tried to keep his hand steady as he pointed the gun towards him. He took his free hand and he wiped the tears from his face. “I want you guys to go, if you don’t go, I’ll shoot you. I promise you I will.”

Jongin straightened up and he started untying the rope from the boat. Sehun had latched himself onto Jongin, trying to struggle with him from untying the rope. He screamed at him, trying to get Jongin to stop what he was doing. Jongin was stronger than he looked. He turned around and shoved Sehun down on the boat.

“Fucking stop it, Sehun!” Sehun finally came to and realized what he was doing. He was on his bottom, looking between Lu Han, whom still had the gun pointed at them and Jongin who went back to untying the rope.

Jongin didn’t say anything else. He went over to the front of the boat and he turned it on, getting ready to start their way onto the island. Sehun didn’t look at Lu Han as they pulled away. As much as he wanted to whisper a goodbye or to whisper a I love you, he knew he couldn’t do that. It wasn’t what Lu Han would want. It wasn’t about Sehun. It wasn’t about Lu Han either or Jongin.

It wasn’t about any of them anymore. It was something greater than the three of them.

Surviving this virus, all of the strangest things that had happened meant giving up something in return and Lu Han had sacrificed himself.

Sehun felt the boat stutter and start. He listened to the engine in silence.

He listened to the water and he listened to the day.

He listened to his heartbeat. He waited for it to stop but he knew he couldn’t give up just yet.

----☢


They both had lost the track of time. It wasn’t that it would matter anyways. When they reached Jeju, it was a beautiful night. It wasn’t the unforgiving red in the sky that picked at both of their hearts. It wasn’t the sinful red that made them both feel uneasy. It was a soft color, a soft grey color that gave them hope.

When they got off the boat, they were greeted by Jonghyun and Jongdae. They didn’t expect them to be there but it made it all the better when they both saw them.

Jongin had gone off with Jongdae and Jonghyun to see where they would be staying and how things would work. No one really knew where to start. So many people had flocked there. It was kind of crazy. Hopefully things could go back to the way they were even if they were impossible.

Sehun looked out up at the moon. It was this beautiful ball of light that had lit up the unimaginable but it did all of it. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to ward of the chilliness. He had realized that so much had happened in such little time it seemed like. But he thought that maybe it’d be worth it in the end. Perhaps Lu Han had always been right.

Sehun should have always kept his hope.