Bah...
This is the time of year for family, friends, and joy...then why am I feeling so crappy...
I have been accused by some of being either too *high drama* or too *rose-colored glasses* happy. I have found that I do try to let others see only the happy, upbeat side of me, because if I let others know how I really feel it appears as high drama to them. It is truly not meant to be taken that way. I don't want others to feel sorry for me. But if you ask me enough times I will tell you the truth. That does tend to chase people away.
Truth is, I have really had a crappy life. I am not making it up to make others feel sorry for me. I have only just found that small voice in me that is willing to tell these things. It was found after almost a year of counseling. The psychiatrist's diagnosis was severe depression, severe anxiety and major post traumatic stress disorder. And I had actually thought I did a good job of hiding that during the session with him...maybe I'm not as good at it as I thought.
I had this idea that I would go to therapy for a few months and things would be OK. Thing is that things have really gotten worse, not better. I am told that "this is common with severe cases such as these", but I am wondering if it has really even been worth it. Life was so much easier when I didn't look at it. I could just turn away and find something good to obsess about. Now I am lucky if I can get through an hour or two without breaking down. I hadn't had nightmares for over 20 years. Now I am not only having them almost nightly, but am having flashbacks and panic attacks without warning. No, to be truthful, there likely *is* warning of some kind, but I am not able to recognize it most times. It is usually after the fact that I can look back and assign the cause, if at all. This only happens hours after, once I have had a chance to regroup.
I'm supposed to be making a list of people who have harmed me either by their action or inaction. Trouble is, I can't seem to do it. every time I start the list, things get worse for me, and I quit. Things settle down, and I try again, with the same results. It is supposed to be getting easier, the more I try, but that isn't happening...
This only makes trying to deal with my Fibro even harder. I so want to just give up, lay down and fade away. I don't want to be involved in the world at all. It seems too much to even let the dogs out, walk to the bathroom, brush my hair,eat or any other thing that requires any input from me whatsoever. Life isn't supposed to be like this, I am certain. But this is my life...
I hate that I am not making any type of contribution to our household. I have been shot down by the insurance company that I paid 9 years into for disability. They say there is nothing wrong with me that should keep me from working...tell me true, would *YOU* hire someone like me, in my frame of mind, right now??? SSDI turned me down, but is still looking into my appeal. Hopefully they will see things differently. I mean really, how many people can say that I am a certifiable basket case before they listen??? I have permanent handicap plates, I have to see the doctor every month, the shrink twice a month, have about a dozen meds that I take daily. I should be doing some type of physical therapy, warm water therapy or something, but can't afford to go anywhere for that. I try to get something, even if just stretching, in every day, but I will do it one day and be in agony for two. I can't go on like this.
Bah...
I have been accused by some of being either too *high drama* or too *rose-colored glasses* happy. I have found that I do try to let others see only the happy, upbeat side of me, because if I let others know how I really feel it appears as high drama to them. It is truly not meant to be taken that way. I don't want others to feel sorry for me. But if you ask me enough times I will tell you the truth. That does tend to chase people away.
Truth is, I have really had a crappy life. I am not making it up to make others feel sorry for me. I have only just found that small voice in me that is willing to tell these things. It was found after almost a year of counseling. The psychiatrist's diagnosis was severe depression, severe anxiety and major post traumatic stress disorder. And I had actually thought I did a good job of hiding that during the session with him...maybe I'm not as good at it as I thought.
I had this idea that I would go to therapy for a few months and things would be OK. Thing is that things have really gotten worse, not better. I am told that "this is common with severe cases such as these", but I am wondering if it has really even been worth it. Life was so much easier when I didn't look at it. I could just turn away and find something good to obsess about. Now I am lucky if I can get through an hour or two without breaking down. I hadn't had nightmares for over 20 years. Now I am not only having them almost nightly, but am having flashbacks and panic attacks without warning. No, to be truthful, there likely *is* warning of some kind, but I am not able to recognize it most times. It is usually after the fact that I can look back and assign the cause, if at all. This only happens hours after, once I have had a chance to regroup.
I'm supposed to be making a list of people who have harmed me either by their action or inaction. Trouble is, I can't seem to do it. every time I start the list, things get worse for me, and I quit. Things settle down, and I try again, with the same results. It is supposed to be getting easier, the more I try, but that isn't happening...
This only makes trying to deal with my Fibro even harder. I so want to just give up, lay down and fade away. I don't want to be involved in the world at all. It seems too much to even let the dogs out, walk to the bathroom, brush my hair,eat or any other thing that requires any input from me whatsoever. Life isn't supposed to be like this, I am certain. But this is my life...
I hate that I am not making any type of contribution to our household. I have been shot down by the insurance company that I paid 9 years into for disability. They say there is nothing wrong with me that should keep me from working...tell me true, would *YOU* hire someone like me, in my frame of mind, right now??? SSDI turned me down, but is still looking into my appeal. Hopefully they will see things differently. I mean really, how many people can say that I am a certifiable basket case before they listen??? I have permanent handicap plates, I have to see the doctor every month, the shrink twice a month, have about a dozen meds that I take daily. I should be doing some type of physical therapy, warm water therapy or something, but can't afford to go anywhere for that. I try to get something, even if just stretching, in every day, but I will do it one day and be in agony for two. I can't go on like this.
Bah...