A Long Time Coming
I realize it's been forever since I've updated or, hell, even visited livejournal. The rumors are true, I have no interweb at my house so I've been living on borrowed time at my friends' places, hence the no update-ness. I don't feel like I've really missed much, but then again I feel I've missed a great deal at the same time. How does that work exactly??
I know that I've had to work really hard to muster up even an iota of holiday spirit this season, how about you? I think the weather had a great deal to do with it actually. Eighty degrees in December with bright sunshine has a tendency to override any fond images of snow covered landscapes and Christmas decorations. I also didn't have a whole lot of, or any, money this year to buy presents for those dear to me, and although I know that's not the reason for the holiday it still hurts that I can't at least demonstrate a tangible representation of my affection for them. I can tell everyone I love them as much as they can stand, and that means something, I just wish there was more I really could have done this year. Oh well.
Another year almost gone and what do we all have to show for it? I'd like to think the difficulties this last year have made me a stronger person, filled with resolve and direction. I'd like to think that I've learned something valuable that I can take with me and teach to those in need sometime later in life. I'd like to think a lot of things really. In reality all I feel is a little older, a little more used, a little more empty. There were a great many good times to be had for sure, but all in all, this is a loss year. I really don't know if I've made any progress. That's probably the nature of the beast though, you never know what you've done until the time has long passed and you can look back securely going, "Ohhhh yeah, now I get it!" Hindsight and all that.
However, I do know that I've managed to return to some rather destructive patterns in my life and that I'm not happy about. Not at all. How is it that I find myself in the same situations again and again, even though I try different techniques to ensure that I either learn better or avoid them altogether? I keep telling myself there is something to be gleaned from the situation, there is a higher reason why I'm experiencing these things and yet those thoughts offer little to no comfort when I'm ass deep in alligators.
There are a lot of demons that I'm still wrestling apparently, demons that I thought were long since dead or dealt with. It's possible that I don't possess the tools necessary to completely deal with the beast-of-the-moment, very likely in fact, and that worries me. If being in the same position three times hasn't prepared me in the slightest for dealing with it again, then what am I doing here? I'm a slow learner, but I'm usually not this dense. People tell me that I've come so far, that I've grown and changed so much for the better, but I honestly don't know. I feel like an idiot for falling into the same traps as before, for believing similar ideas that should be obvious to me by now. Why can't I save myself from this crap?! It just doesn't make sense, any of it! I feel so frustrated and helpless sometimes, unable to control anything in my life beyond whether or not I keep breathing. Even then I don't have much choice in the matter, I simply do.
Maybe I'm leaving something undone each time. Maybe there's something that I've missed, something small and utterly significant to the whole unraveling of the thing. But what? At the moment I have no idea whatsoever, none. I've asked all those who give a damn and will sit still long enough to listen. I've torn every action, every word apart until nothing remains and still there is no hint of the underlying cause. I'm missing something, something important, which does not bode well at all.
Still, I'm trying to stay positive although it has become insanely difficult as of late. It's a definite struggle, especially when I feel like I'm going it primarily alone. I'm re-learning how to take refuge in the silence of alone, in the freedom of it. There was a time when that wasn't so hard to do, but I'm much older and I've experienced more time with others outside of myself. It's hard to go back inside after all of that. When reaching out for comfort from those I care about didn't work, what other choice do I have really? I'm all I've got. How is it that can be both a sad and liberating thought?
I don't know. I don't know much of anything these days, but I am looking forward to the new year, if only to put this one behind me. Change is needed. Positive change. Some will tell you that all change is positive in time. I need positive change now or something will explode in me. I'm trying, I really am.
A little help?
I know that I've had to work really hard to muster up even an iota of holiday spirit this season, how about you? I think the weather had a great deal to do with it actually. Eighty degrees in December with bright sunshine has a tendency to override any fond images of snow covered landscapes and Christmas decorations. I also didn't have a whole lot of, or any, money this year to buy presents for those dear to me, and although I know that's not the reason for the holiday it still hurts that I can't at least demonstrate a tangible representation of my affection for them. I can tell everyone I love them as much as they can stand, and that means something, I just wish there was more I really could have done this year. Oh well.
Another year almost gone and what do we all have to show for it? I'd like to think the difficulties this last year have made me a stronger person, filled with resolve and direction. I'd like to think that I've learned something valuable that I can take with me and teach to those in need sometime later in life. I'd like to think a lot of things really. In reality all I feel is a little older, a little more used, a little more empty. There were a great many good times to be had for sure, but all in all, this is a loss year. I really don't know if I've made any progress. That's probably the nature of the beast though, you never know what you've done until the time has long passed and you can look back securely going, "Ohhhh yeah, now I get it!" Hindsight and all that.
However, I do know that I've managed to return to some rather destructive patterns in my life and that I'm not happy about. Not at all. How is it that I find myself in the same situations again and again, even though I try different techniques to ensure that I either learn better or avoid them altogether? I keep telling myself there is something to be gleaned from the situation, there is a higher reason why I'm experiencing these things and yet those thoughts offer little to no comfort when I'm ass deep in alligators.
There are a lot of demons that I'm still wrestling apparently, demons that I thought were long since dead or dealt with. It's possible that I don't possess the tools necessary to completely deal with the beast-of-the-moment, very likely in fact, and that worries me. If being in the same position three times hasn't prepared me in the slightest for dealing with it again, then what am I doing here? I'm a slow learner, but I'm usually not this dense. People tell me that I've come so far, that I've grown and changed so much for the better, but I honestly don't know. I feel like an idiot for falling into the same traps as before, for believing similar ideas that should be obvious to me by now. Why can't I save myself from this crap?! It just doesn't make sense, any of it! I feel so frustrated and helpless sometimes, unable to control anything in my life beyond whether or not I keep breathing. Even then I don't have much choice in the matter, I simply do.
Maybe I'm leaving something undone each time. Maybe there's something that I've missed, something small and utterly significant to the whole unraveling of the thing. But what? At the moment I have no idea whatsoever, none. I've asked all those who give a damn and will sit still long enough to listen. I've torn every action, every word apart until nothing remains and still there is no hint of the underlying cause. I'm missing something, something important, which does not bode well at all.
Still, I'm trying to stay positive although it has become insanely difficult as of late. It's a definite struggle, especially when I feel like I'm going it primarily alone. I'm re-learning how to take refuge in the silence of alone, in the freedom of it. There was a time when that wasn't so hard to do, but I'm much older and I've experienced more time with others outside of myself. It's hard to go back inside after all of that. When reaching out for comfort from those I care about didn't work, what other choice do I have really? I'm all I've got. How is it that can be both a sad and liberating thought?
I don't know. I don't know much of anything these days, but I am looking forward to the new year, if only to put this one behind me. Change is needed. Positive change. Some will tell you that all change is positive in time. I need positive change now or something will explode in me. I'm trying, I really am.
A little help?