Fic: We Just Look Away
Title: We Just Look Away
Rating: PG-13
Beta: 13_moons
Summary: Part 4 in the series - which I have just named: Got These Chains. So this is the end, plus an epilogue.
Warnings: very angsty
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3
Harry woke with a start, knocking his pillow off the bed with his elbow and struggling to untangle his feet from the sheets. He finally kicked his way free and noted with some dismay that his body was moist, and not just from the sweat that cooled on his skin. After last night’s bizarre run in with Draco, he wasn’t exactly surprised at his body’s adolescent reaction. He sighed and cleaned himself off with a flick of his hand before pulling on his running gear and stretching slightly as he made his way towards the front door of his flat.
Harry had taken up running since the break up as a way to pound the frustration and anxiety out of his system. In the heat of summer he liked to head out early, enjoying the caress of the still cool air and ambience of the hazy pre-dawn light. He pulled the door closed behind him and turned to jog down his front steps to the sidewalk. Harry stopped short, his heart leaping into his throat. Draco was lounging on the lower third of the steps, his legs sprawled out onto the walk, leaning back on his elbows as if he just fucking belonged there on Harry’s front walk.
Oh God, Harry thought, and his knees went wobbly. Hope and terror vied for his airspace, leaving him short of breath. He managed to make his way down the steps one at a time, and settled nervously next to Draco. They sat in silence for several minutes, not looking at each other. This is fucked up, Harry thought with a shake of his head. He turned to look at Draco, hoping to God he could hold it together.
“Hey,” Harry said. Draco smiled softly.
“Hey.”
Harry studied the blond, drinking in his heady proximity. Draco looked tired, and his eyes held a melancholy Harry had rarely seen.
“How’s work?” Draco asked, and Harry looked at him quizzically.
“Draco…”
“How is work?” Draco asked again, firmer this time, and Harry recognized Draco’s need to attempt a normal conversation, that he wasn’t quite ready to deal with whatever had brought him to Harry’s step.
“Um, work is okay. Really busy-gearing up for the World Cup in Bucharest next month.” Draco nodded. Harry thought he should ask Draco some similar question, but he couldn’t keep up this charade of civilized conversation. So they sat in silence again, feeling it stretch between them, until Draco sighed and turned slightly towards Harry.
“Did I make you unhappy, Harry?” Harry was so thrown by the sudden shift in conversation that he felt lightheaded.
“God no, Draco,” he managed to choke out. The lingering pain he had grown accustomed to whenever he thought of his former boyfriend roared suddenly to life, etching his features with its force. He turned shakily to look at Draco, knowing that everything he was feeling was written plainly on his face.
“Never,” Harry whispered. “I’ve never been more sorry for something in all my life, Draco. Please don’t think I’m making excuses, because I’m not… I’ve just spent the past twelve months trying to figure out what the fuck I was thinking. I was young. No, that’s not really right-I was immature. You were my first real relationship, and it was so beautiful and intense. You made me feel special, Draco. God, nobody had ever done that before; nobody had ever just loved me as Harry.”
Harry took a shaking breath and forged ahead. “It was still hard to accept, though, that you really did love me, cherished me, because why, you know? Why did you feel that way about me? I certainly couldn’t explain it, let alone believe it. It mystified me. A byproduct of my fucked up childhood, I guess. And Trevor just added to that, twisted it around, I thought he knew things I didn't, being older and more experienced.”
Harry turned and saw Draco chewing his bottom lip and staring out at the pink streaked sky as he processed what Harry had told him.
“Tell me one thing,” Draco whispered. “Did you mean it?” Harry didn’t respond, unsure what Draco meant. Draco turned to face him, his eyes shining bright with unshed tears, and he reached out slowly and deliberately to place a trembling hand on Harry’s chest.
“Did you mean it?” he whispered again, his voice ragged with emotion. Oh.Harry nodded.
“I haven’t been with anyone since you,” Harry confessed. Draco closed his eyes, letting the tears slip down his cheeks. Harry reached up tentatively, nearly brushing them away with his fingertips before Draco pulled away at the touch.
“Draco…”
“David and I are moving to Paris.”
Harry felt the bottom drop out of his world. His head buzzed and he stopped listening even though Draco continued to talk, only picking up words like flat and office and opportunity. Harry’s last bit of restraint finally shattered, and the tears came over him, fast and thick. My God but he’d never thought any of this could get worse, and now Harry felt like he’d rather die than face a life without Draco.
Draco had stopped talking and was looking at Harry with gentle concern, his own tears coming a little faster now as he watched Harry fall apart.
“I just wanted to see you one last time before I left. David starts his job on Monday. I…I didn’t want you to hear about it from someone else.”
Harry nodded dumbly, not processing what had happened, unwilling to accept his fate.
“God Draco, I…” Harry shook his head angrily, trying to clear it so he could speak. Draco reached out and took his hand, and Harry clung to it tightly. “You were my first love,” Harry said helplessly. Draco squeezed his hand.
“You were the love of my life,” Draco murmured. Harry hadn’t been aware that he could possibly feel any more agony.
“Why, then? Why go?” Harry cried frantically, trying desperately to piece his life back together. Draco let go of Harry’s hand and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.
“I love David. I do. We…we’re good together. I can’t hurt him over something that might have been.”
“But that isn’t fair to you, Draco! It isn’t fair to us.”
Draco shrugged miserably. “Life isn’t fair,” Draco said finally. Harry watched him, and kept his lips pressed together tightly to hold in the sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. Draco glanced up at Harry quickly before burying his face in his hands. When he spoke again, his voice was muffled.
“It’s so fucking hard, Harry. I want to give all I can to David, but I just can’t. I’m holding back pieces of me, pieces that I gave to you so willingly. With you, all the cards are on the table. But this is my life now; I’m not going to fuck up a good thing. David deserves better than that.”
Harry knew a small window of opportunity when he saw one, and he scrambled desperately for purchase before his heart was torn from his body and drug across the English Channel. He leaned in, one hand clutching Draco’s fingers while the other squeezed the blond’s leg.
“Draco, please…please don’t go…” Harry whispered.
Harry leaned in slowly, only stopping when he could feel Draco’s breath against his lips. He stared into Draco’s eyes, could see the longing in their depths, under the layers of pain and sorrow and love. Harry moved in to close the distance, and Draco put his hand up against Harry’s lips before they could press against his own.
“No, Harry, I can’t. I won’t be that guy.”
Harry stood abruptly, yanking himself away from Draco in one clean move.
“Have a nice life,” Harry said roughly. Draco sat still for a minute before reaching into a small pack by his feet and retrieving a small paper bag. He rose slowly to his feet, and handed the bag to Harry.
“These are for you. I was…sidetracked, the last time I tried to bring them to you.” Draco stared at him thoughtfully before giving Harry a small, dismal smile.
“Goodbye, Harry.”
Harry opened his mouth to speak, but could only take in a great sobbing breath and close his eyes. When he opened them a moment later, Draco was gone. Harry stood on his steps, watching the sun come up, the scent of gingersnaps in the air.
Epilogue - Be With Me Tonight