Thing a week
And here is the thing a week for last week. I'm still writing this week's, and hope to post it on Sunday.
I like this one.
Narrator - Stars fell on Alabama. That's the state's motto. Unfortunately, they were neutron stars.
Floyd - What is that racket? (Enters) My barn! (Exits other side)
Narrator - Neutron stars are superdense remnants left over when a star between 1.38 and 5 stellar masses dies and collapses. They are as dense as atomic nuclei and if you run one over with your car it'll never run the same way again.
Nick - What the hell is on the road?
Floyd - (Reenters carrying cow-print rug) Don't just stand there, boy. Help me move my cows!
Nick - What the hell is going on?
Floyd - A neutron star fell and it's compactin' the area! Don't they teach you Yankees anything? (exits)
Nick - God damn it. Alabama, why are you dumb?
(Floyd reenters carrying crate, sets it down, begins to gather up cows. Nick picks one up.)
Floyd - Just put in the crate there.
Nick - The crate with the pulsars?
Floyd - Don't you worry, it's empty.
Narrator - Pulsars are a stellar remnant that emit radio waves at regular intervals. You can set your watch by them. Just don't look right at one when it goes off.
Nick - The pulsars never did sell well anyway.
Floyd - They did back when my daddy raised 'em. You city folk just don't know old-fashioned stellar craftsmanship.
Nick - I still say you oughta just buy a nebula.
Floyd - Do I look like I got money coming outta my ears?
Nick - Well there's something, but it's not money.
Floyd - You are a smartass, ain'tcha.
Nick - You want my help here?
Floyd - I want a little respect here, son. My stars light up that big city you're heading for.
Nick - I could've left already. I didn't.
Floyd - Fair enough, son. It's like we say around here - respect is a binary system.
Narrator - A binary system is a pair of stars locked together closely, both orbiting each other. Sometimes they stay together for billions of years. Sometimes when one of the stars dies it destroys the other. Sometimes one of the two will escape.
Nick - Are you gonna get rid of the neutron star?
Floyd - I ain't got the tools. Cops'll be out here soon to get it, unless they stop at the Krispy Kreme Stanford Torus shop. Lazy good-for-nothings, those two.
Nick - I still can't believe there are only two cops in town.
Floyd - You don't like it, get out or get deputized.
Nick - I'm working on that.
Floyd - And if they don't bring the singularity with them there'll be hell to pay.
Narrator - A singularity, or black hole, is the result when a star over 5 stellar masses collapses. Its gravity is strong enough that nothing can escape, which means that it's really the only way to clean up neutron stars. To handle a singularity you need safety goggles, thick gloves, a respirator, clothes you don't mind getting dirty, a singularity permit, and a crane that you don't mind never getting back. Cause if you try to keep the crane and get too close, you'll get removed from the universe as we know it forever.
Floyd - I think that's most of my herd. It'll take me weeks to get my barn back together though.
Nick - Sorry to hear it.
Floyd - It's alright. I'm used to work.
(A noise from offstage)
Nick - Sounds like there's another one on the road.
Floyd - Aw hell. I-
(A white sphere drifts across the stage, moving toward the neutron star.)
Floyd - The white dwarfs are out of their pen!
Nick - Shit!
Floyd - Throw on them gloves and grab it! (Floyd grabs the white dwarf and halts its movement. Another one drifts onstage.) Hurry! (Nick grabs the other side and they start to pull the first white dwarf back)
Narrator - White dwarfs are tiny stars, and their fusion occurs at a remarkably slow rate. They last so long that their death state, the brown dwarf, does not exist yet. White dwarfs, perhaps because of their longevity and slow change, are also as stubborn as hell. If you think donkeys are hard to move, then you've never tried to herd a white dwarf into a crate when it doesn't want to go.
Floyd - (off) Close the gate on it! (coming back on) Now hurry! (They come back, rushing to grab the second white dwarf. Two more drift onstage)
Nick - We can't keep holding them like this!
Floyd - The hell we can't!
Nick - The neutron star must be getting closer. We'll get flattened!
Floyd - We can hold it until the cops get here.
Nick - The lazy good-for-nothing cops? Those cops?
Floyd - Push comes to shove, boy, they'll do their jobs.
Nick - Push isn't coming to shove. Push is coming to a surface gravity of a trillion gees! Please.
Narrator - Stars and star systems only appear stable in the short term. In the long term they're in constant motion, coming together and drifting apart, spinning around the galaxy and each other, spiraling down towards a violent or quiet death of some kind. It is all beautiful and glorious and utterly inevitable. You don't notice 'cause you've never looked at them for long enough.
Floyd - Hold the gate on that end, boy!
Nick - I can't hold it, the neutron stars are getting too close! We have to get out of here-
Floyd - Like hell I'm going to leave my farm! You're so keen on getting out of here, you get the cops. I'm staying here.
Nick - You can't stop the stars-
Floyd - I don't aim to stop them, boy. I aim to weather them or die tryin.
Nick - You're crazy.
Floyd - You ain't my farmhand no more. You got no more need to be here. Best go while you can.
Nick - I'll get the cops-
Floyd - If you're so called.
Nick - If you stay you'll be dead before they get here.
Floyd - If that's my end then I'll take it.
Nick - Goodbye.
Narrator - The splitting of a binary system usually encompasses the death of one of the stars. If it's not dense enough to pull the other in, the dying star will either puff up and then fizzle out, or go out in a blaze of glory if it has the will and the requisite four solar masses. The exploding material may create a nebula and give rise to another generation. For the hearts of new stars, like yours, are formed from the remains of the old. Nothing's born without death. It's a pisser. But it's beautiful, too.
I like this one.
Narrator - Stars fell on Alabama. That's the state's motto. Unfortunately, they were neutron stars.
Floyd - What is that racket? (Enters) My barn! (Exits other side)
Narrator - Neutron stars are superdense remnants left over when a star between 1.38 and 5 stellar masses dies and collapses. They are as dense as atomic nuclei and if you run one over with your car it'll never run the same way again.
Nick - What the hell is on the road?
Floyd - (Reenters carrying cow-print rug) Don't just stand there, boy. Help me move my cows!
Nick - What the hell is going on?
Floyd - A neutron star fell and it's compactin' the area! Don't they teach you Yankees anything? (exits)
Nick - God damn it. Alabama, why are you dumb?
(Floyd reenters carrying crate, sets it down, begins to gather up cows. Nick picks one up.)
Floyd - Just put in the crate there.
Nick - The crate with the pulsars?
Floyd - Don't you worry, it's empty.
Narrator - Pulsars are a stellar remnant that emit radio waves at regular intervals. You can set your watch by them. Just don't look right at one when it goes off.
Nick - The pulsars never did sell well anyway.
Floyd - They did back when my daddy raised 'em. You city folk just don't know old-fashioned stellar craftsmanship.
Nick - I still say you oughta just buy a nebula.
Floyd - Do I look like I got money coming outta my ears?
Nick - Well there's something, but it's not money.
Floyd - You are a smartass, ain'tcha.
Nick - You want my help here?
Floyd - I want a little respect here, son. My stars light up that big city you're heading for.
Nick - I could've left already. I didn't.
Floyd - Fair enough, son. It's like we say around here - respect is a binary system.
Narrator - A binary system is a pair of stars locked together closely, both orbiting each other. Sometimes they stay together for billions of years. Sometimes when one of the stars dies it destroys the other. Sometimes one of the two will escape.
Nick - Are you gonna get rid of the neutron star?
Floyd - I ain't got the tools. Cops'll be out here soon to get it, unless they stop at the Krispy Kreme Stanford Torus shop. Lazy good-for-nothings, those two.
Nick - I still can't believe there are only two cops in town.
Floyd - You don't like it, get out or get deputized.
Nick - I'm working on that.
Floyd - And if they don't bring the singularity with them there'll be hell to pay.
Narrator - A singularity, or black hole, is the result when a star over 5 stellar masses collapses. Its gravity is strong enough that nothing can escape, which means that it's really the only way to clean up neutron stars. To handle a singularity you need safety goggles, thick gloves, a respirator, clothes you don't mind getting dirty, a singularity permit, and a crane that you don't mind never getting back. Cause if you try to keep the crane and get too close, you'll get removed from the universe as we know it forever.
Floyd - I think that's most of my herd. It'll take me weeks to get my barn back together though.
Nick - Sorry to hear it.
Floyd - It's alright. I'm used to work.
(A noise from offstage)
Nick - Sounds like there's another one on the road.
Floyd - Aw hell. I-
(A white sphere drifts across the stage, moving toward the neutron star.)
Floyd - The white dwarfs are out of their pen!
Nick - Shit!
Floyd - Throw on them gloves and grab it! (Floyd grabs the white dwarf and halts its movement. Another one drifts onstage.) Hurry! (Nick grabs the other side and they start to pull the first white dwarf back)
Narrator - White dwarfs are tiny stars, and their fusion occurs at a remarkably slow rate. They last so long that their death state, the brown dwarf, does not exist yet. White dwarfs, perhaps because of their longevity and slow change, are also as stubborn as hell. If you think donkeys are hard to move, then you've never tried to herd a white dwarf into a crate when it doesn't want to go.
Floyd - (off) Close the gate on it! (coming back on) Now hurry! (They come back, rushing to grab the second white dwarf. Two more drift onstage)
Nick - We can't keep holding them like this!
Floyd - The hell we can't!
Nick - The neutron star must be getting closer. We'll get flattened!
Floyd - We can hold it until the cops get here.
Nick - The lazy good-for-nothing cops? Those cops?
Floyd - Push comes to shove, boy, they'll do their jobs.
Nick - Push isn't coming to shove. Push is coming to a surface gravity of a trillion gees! Please.
Narrator - Stars and star systems only appear stable in the short term. In the long term they're in constant motion, coming together and drifting apart, spinning around the galaxy and each other, spiraling down towards a violent or quiet death of some kind. It is all beautiful and glorious and utterly inevitable. You don't notice 'cause you've never looked at them for long enough.
Floyd - Hold the gate on that end, boy!
Nick - I can't hold it, the neutron stars are getting too close! We have to get out of here-
Floyd - Like hell I'm going to leave my farm! You're so keen on getting out of here, you get the cops. I'm staying here.
Nick - You can't stop the stars-
Floyd - I don't aim to stop them, boy. I aim to weather them or die tryin.
Nick - You're crazy.
Floyd - You ain't my farmhand no more. You got no more need to be here. Best go while you can.
Nick - I'll get the cops-
Floyd - If you're so called.
Nick - If you stay you'll be dead before they get here.
Floyd - If that's my end then I'll take it.
Nick - Goodbye.
Narrator - The splitting of a binary system usually encompasses the death of one of the stars. If it's not dense enough to pull the other in, the dying star will either puff up and then fizzle out, or go out in a blaze of glory if it has the will and the requisite four solar masses. The exploding material may create a nebula and give rise to another generation. For the hearts of new stars, like yours, are formed from the remains of the old. Nothing's born without death. It's a pisser. But it's beautiful, too.