Holding My Breath
Title: Holding My Breath
Word Count: 1,012
Rating: G
Group/Pairing: NEWS; Nishikido Ryo x Kato Shigeaki
Warnings/Genre: Very slight mention of domestic violence
Author's Note: Written for jentfic_remix and cross-posted here for safe keeping ^^
Beta read by madpig4life
Links to Original Story, Original Writer: There Won’t Be Any Wedding Dresses by ununoriginal
-------
The first night that Ryo gets home after finishing the shoot for “Last Friends,” he’s grumpy and unwilling to talk about it. Shige, knowing all too well about dealing with the dark side of Ryo, ignores his dragging footsteps, and walks into the kitchen to prepare two hot cups of tea. While adding a bit of sugar to Ryo’s cup, he can’t help but speculate that the older man was taking the show too seriously, and internalizing his role. Ryo may be too good of an actor for his own good, but Shige could always see right through it.
After setting down the steaming cup on the coffee table, Shige walks into the bedroom and starts taking out the extra blankets from the closet.
“What are you doing?” Ryo snaps.
Shige knows he’s walking a fine line, and that he’d better tread softly.
“Do you want me to stop?”
They both breathe in the silence for a few moments, and then Ryo walks calmly to his room and shuts the door.
Shige lets out a sigh that he’s been holding, and settles himself on the couch.
Around 3AM, he wakes from a nudge of his shoulder. He swats around in the darkness only to have his hands stilled by another set of hands. For a second, he panics and wonders if someone has broken in, until he realizes that it’s Ryo tugging him to get up.
“Ermph,” Shige lets out.
“Come on you loaf,” Ryo says while pulling Shige off the couch. The latter man is non-compliant and ends up landing in a heap of blankets on the floor.
Ryo lets out a scoff, masking the almost laugh that’s tempting to escape his lungs. Shige grumbles again, but holds onto Ryo’s hand in the dark.
*
The next morning, the older Osakan wakes up to the soft light streaming through the bedroom curtains. He wakes up slowly, and enjoys the warmth of the man sleeping soundly next to him. If it weren’t for Shige, he wouldn’t know how to deal with the emptiness he felt each time he had to leave his characters behind.
And suddenly, like a painful rush of panic through his body, Ryo recalls the shoot the day before, and dreads what he has to take on later that day. Immediate thoughts of having to put on such a role he could easily sympathize with made him queasy, and he wanted to barricade himself in a room where he couldn’t hurt anyone, not even with his words. He thinks back to the man sleeping beside him, that even if Shige could handle his jabbing remarks, he was only fulfilling a deeper, sick, desire to hurt the ones he loved. It was like he could take comfort in the aftermath of the fight, like having the power to control someone else’s emotions just by uttering some lines he didn’t even mean.
Shige stirs and moves closer to Ryo’s body, hands wrapping around his waist, sleep still evident in his voice.
Ryo stiffens, afraid that Shige can sense what he’s thinking just by touching him.
“Nishikido,” Shige mutters into Ryo’s collarbone. “If you’re going to be all tense about this, maybe you shouldn’t have pulled me back into bed at an ungodly hour of the morning.”
Ryo breathes in the soft scent of Shige’s hair, and breathes out again. He tries and relax, his mind wandering elsewhere.
Shige doesn’t know how to broach the subject that’s hanging heavily in the air, and he doesn’t know how to tell him that he understands, and that he loves him because of who he is, and that he doesn’t have to be afraid to be that person.
“Ryo?”
“Hmm?”
“I know.”
“Do you really?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“So?”
“So? It means I can handle whatever you throw at me. Even your silly tantrums.”
“Even if I throw a punch?” Ryo swallows the lump in his throat.
“I’ll throw one back.” Shige smiles into Ryo’s neck, hands still wrapped around him, so he doesn’t run away from this.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“Consider me thoroughly warned.” This was just getting silly now, Shige thought.
“You’re going to be cracking Sousuke jokes soon, aren’t you?” Ryo asks despite knowing the answer.
Shige pulls away to properly look at Ryo’s face, “Only because I know you can handle it, too.”
“Damn straight.” Ryo smirks and Shige leans in for a gentle, morning kiss.
*
Ryo’s on the bus ride back to Tokyo. It’s silent as his fellow group members have already fallen asleep from exhaustion. The silence is comforting, and for the first time in weeks, he thinks back to his first days of filming “Last Friends.”
He would apologize profusely every time one of those scenes with Masami-chan ended, and everyone on set would repeatedly tell him that it was okay, because it was scripted. Everyone already knew the implications and the message the drama was trying to convey, so it was good that Ryo was doing his job properly. But, he also needed to understand that it was a job, and that no one saw him as his character. The problem was that Ryo did, and he couldn’t get rid of the guilt.
Thinking back on it, Ryo saw it as a great acting and learning experience, and felt he grew from knowing the pain of such a person. It was at the end of his part, with the wedding dress covered in fake blood that was hiding his shallow breathing, did he clearly break away from the notion that he was like this person. There he was, breathing, in fact trying to stop breathing, so that he could play this role. Clearly, Ryo was not Sousuke, and would never be him.
Thinking back on it, Ryo figures that Shige would have laughed at him if he had known the actual thoughts that were running through his head.
Just as Ryo starts drifting off to sleep with the thoughts of a successful tour underway, his phone vibrates.
From Shige:
Congrats! Concert’s over right? Don’t forget to take a breather before rushing home. It’ll still be here ♥
Ryo smiles, too tired to send a proper reply.
In their now quiet apartment, Shige flips his phone shut, and slides into bed.
I’ll still be here too.
Word Count: 1,012
Rating: G
Group/Pairing: NEWS; Nishikido Ryo x Kato Shigeaki
Warnings/Genre: Very slight mention of domestic violence
Author's Note: Written for jentfic_remix and cross-posted here for safe keeping ^^
Beta read by madpig4life
Links to Original Story, Original Writer: There Won’t Be Any Wedding Dresses by ununoriginal
-------
The first night that Ryo gets home after finishing the shoot for “Last Friends,” he’s grumpy and unwilling to talk about it. Shige, knowing all too well about dealing with the dark side of Ryo, ignores his dragging footsteps, and walks into the kitchen to prepare two hot cups of tea. While adding a bit of sugar to Ryo’s cup, he can’t help but speculate that the older man was taking the show too seriously, and internalizing his role. Ryo may be too good of an actor for his own good, but Shige could always see right through it.
After setting down the steaming cup on the coffee table, Shige walks into the bedroom and starts taking out the extra blankets from the closet.
“What are you doing?” Ryo snaps.
Shige knows he’s walking a fine line, and that he’d better tread softly.
“Do you want me to stop?”
They both breathe in the silence for a few moments, and then Ryo walks calmly to his room and shuts the door.
Shige lets out a sigh that he’s been holding, and settles himself on the couch.
Around 3AM, he wakes from a nudge of his shoulder. He swats around in the darkness only to have his hands stilled by another set of hands. For a second, he panics and wonders if someone has broken in, until he realizes that it’s Ryo tugging him to get up.
“Ermph,” Shige lets out.
“Come on you loaf,” Ryo says while pulling Shige off the couch. The latter man is non-compliant and ends up landing in a heap of blankets on the floor.
Ryo lets out a scoff, masking the almost laugh that’s tempting to escape his lungs. Shige grumbles again, but holds onto Ryo’s hand in the dark.
*
The next morning, the older Osakan wakes up to the soft light streaming through the bedroom curtains. He wakes up slowly, and enjoys the warmth of the man sleeping soundly next to him. If it weren’t for Shige, he wouldn’t know how to deal with the emptiness he felt each time he had to leave his characters behind.
And suddenly, like a painful rush of panic through his body, Ryo recalls the shoot the day before, and dreads what he has to take on later that day. Immediate thoughts of having to put on such a role he could easily sympathize with made him queasy, and he wanted to barricade himself in a room where he couldn’t hurt anyone, not even with his words. He thinks back to the man sleeping beside him, that even if Shige could handle his jabbing remarks, he was only fulfilling a deeper, sick, desire to hurt the ones he loved. It was like he could take comfort in the aftermath of the fight, like having the power to control someone else’s emotions just by uttering some lines he didn’t even mean.
Shige stirs and moves closer to Ryo’s body, hands wrapping around his waist, sleep still evident in his voice.
Ryo stiffens, afraid that Shige can sense what he’s thinking just by touching him.
“Nishikido,” Shige mutters into Ryo’s collarbone. “If you’re going to be all tense about this, maybe you shouldn’t have pulled me back into bed at an ungodly hour of the morning.”
Ryo breathes in the soft scent of Shige’s hair, and breathes out again. He tries and relax, his mind wandering elsewhere.
Shige doesn’t know how to broach the subject that’s hanging heavily in the air, and he doesn’t know how to tell him that he understands, and that he loves him because of who he is, and that he doesn’t have to be afraid to be that person.
“Ryo?”
“Hmm?”
“I know.”
“Do you really?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“So?”
“So? It means I can handle whatever you throw at me. Even your silly tantrums.”
“Even if I throw a punch?” Ryo swallows the lump in his throat.
“I’ll throw one back.” Shige smiles into Ryo’s neck, hands still wrapped around him, so he doesn’t run away from this.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“Consider me thoroughly warned.” This was just getting silly now, Shige thought.
“You’re going to be cracking Sousuke jokes soon, aren’t you?” Ryo asks despite knowing the answer.
Shige pulls away to properly look at Ryo’s face, “Only because I know you can handle it, too.”
“Damn straight.” Ryo smirks and Shige leans in for a gentle, morning kiss.
*
Ryo’s on the bus ride back to Tokyo. It’s silent as his fellow group members have already fallen asleep from exhaustion. The silence is comforting, and for the first time in weeks, he thinks back to his first days of filming “Last Friends.”
He would apologize profusely every time one of those scenes with Masami-chan ended, and everyone on set would repeatedly tell him that it was okay, because it was scripted. Everyone already knew the implications and the message the drama was trying to convey, so it was good that Ryo was doing his job properly. But, he also needed to understand that it was a job, and that no one saw him as his character. The problem was that Ryo did, and he couldn’t get rid of the guilt.
Thinking back on it, Ryo saw it as a great acting and learning experience, and felt he grew from knowing the pain of such a person. It was at the end of his part, with the wedding dress covered in fake blood that was hiding his shallow breathing, did he clearly break away from the notion that he was like this person. There he was, breathing, in fact trying to stop breathing, so that he could play this role. Clearly, Ryo was not Sousuke, and would never be him.
Thinking back on it, Ryo figures that Shige would have laughed at him if he had known the actual thoughts that were running through his head.
Just as Ryo starts drifting off to sleep with the thoughts of a successful tour underway, his phone vibrates.
From Shige:
Congrats! Concert’s over right? Don’t forget to take a breather before rushing home. It’ll still be here ♥
Ryo smiles, too tired to send a proper reply.
In their now quiet apartment, Shige flips his phone shut, and slides into bed.
I’ll still be here too.