Mini-essay on Cielo's new issues
So at some point I'm going to need to comprehensively essay on the Kuhn thing, but that won't be happening until later! For now, I want to do a quick mini-essay on Kuhn giving Cielo a brand new issue here. Go Kuhn!
Basically, Kuhn told Cielo that he had hurt Kuhn by never letting him see past the cheerful face Cielo normally wears, to the point where Kuhn didn't believe that Cielo ever cared about him.
This..managed to ping a lot of Cielo's pre-existing issues, both directly and indirectly! Most obviously, of course, Cielo doesn't like hurting people he cares about. And he did so without even knowing it for..man I dunno how long has Cielo known Kuhn? Several months.
Then, of course, it pings into his issues with Bat and Kuhn's relationship. Would Kuhn have let himself get so close to Bat if Cielo'd let him see him unhappy? Well, at least in the CFUW IC game, he might not have chosen Bat over him, so evidence points to yes, in some occasions.
Third, there's an element of truth there. Kuhn called his happy face his public face. Is it? ...Mostly not, but there's an element of truth there. Cielo uses being cheerful as a defense against his issues, and sometimes that blocks other people out from getting close to him. It's...mostly something for himself, but he has found himself using it to deflect people in camp when he doesn't feel like ruining the mood. He doesn't generally hide most of his issues exactly (barring lol past life stuff, but that's largely because the circumstances of Heat dealing with his past life issues were so bad). But he doesn't like spending time on them when he doesn't have to and tends to brush past it. He's happier like that, he assumed they were happier like that, so why not? But now he's been presented with clear evidence that that's not the case!
Fourth, there's an element of identity issues there. Kuhn assumed his real face was false. Cielo...has issues with being real and who he really is. It comes with discovering he's an AI and also a dead person! He's mostly resolved them at the time I took them from...but it's still a weak spot. And...honestly? Kuhn's accusation would probably have been true in Cielo's past life. The biggest reason Cielo doesn't actually try to hide his real emotions behind his smile is because he doesn't feel any need to with his comrades around. In his past life, well, look at who he was around. Would you want Sheffield knowing any more about your issues than you absolutely had to?
Five...Cielo tends to believe what people call him. He struggles a lot with being real in the second game. All of them do, but Cielo imo struggles the most with that, and I tend to believe it's because he was held captive by the Lokapala who would've continually told through words and actions that he was nothing, first for being a cannibal demon, then for being an AI cannibal demon. He takes when Heat blames him for losing Sera very much to heart. When other people blame him for something, he tends to believe them. And so when Kuhn blamed him...yeah you know where I'm going with that.
And friendship, as something in between comrades and enemies, or even comrades and allies, is new to him. It's still something that he's exploring. He doesn't worry about what he shows comrades like that, because they already know him as well as anyone can know another person. Allies know what's necessary. Friends know what comes up in the conversation and sometimes apparently you can hurt them by not brooding around them.
So now Cielo's basically wondering if he's screwing up friendship somehow badly without knowing it! And hurting people he likes by doing so.
I forgot the other side of the results of this new issue! There was already somewhat of a rebound effect on Cielo's outside relationships due to the Kuhn issue, because well, when a relationship outside the tribe falls apart this badly, it's going to have repercussions for how he thinks about non-tribe people he cares about. He still likes everyone, but, essentially, he's going to have a harder time trusting them. Just because part of him's going to be wondering if there's something he doesn't know that they're thinking is going to come and bite him in the ass again. He doesn't have this with tribe because well, he knows them well enough that he doesn't worry. Okay yes there's things that some of them would potentially kill him for (Hi Heat!) but he knows what they are already and so it's not the same kind of "fuck is this going to come back and bite me randomly"? It won't actually have much of an effect on his relationships though, since honestly for the most part he'll just deal with this issue like he always does: Go D: for a little, then mostly let it go. I just like essaying too much not to write something about this.
Basically, Kuhn told Cielo that he had hurt Kuhn by never letting him see past the cheerful face Cielo normally wears, to the point where Kuhn didn't believe that Cielo ever cared about him.
This..managed to ping a lot of Cielo's pre-existing issues, both directly and indirectly! Most obviously, of course, Cielo doesn't like hurting people he cares about. And he did so without even knowing it for..man I dunno how long has Cielo known Kuhn? Several months.
Then, of course, it pings into his issues with Bat and Kuhn's relationship. Would Kuhn have let himself get so close to Bat if Cielo'd let him see him unhappy? Well, at least in the CFUW IC game, he might not have chosen Bat over him, so evidence points to yes, in some occasions.
Third, there's an element of truth there. Kuhn called his happy face his public face. Is it? ...Mostly not, but there's an element of truth there. Cielo uses being cheerful as a defense against his issues, and sometimes that blocks other people out from getting close to him. It's...mostly something for himself, but he has found himself using it to deflect people in camp when he doesn't feel like ruining the mood. He doesn't generally hide most of his issues exactly (barring lol past life stuff, but that's largely because the circumstances of Heat dealing with his past life issues were so bad). But he doesn't like spending time on them when he doesn't have to and tends to brush past it. He's happier like that, he assumed they were happier like that, so why not? But now he's been presented with clear evidence that that's not the case!
Fourth, there's an element of identity issues there. Kuhn assumed his real face was false. Cielo...has issues with being real and who he really is. It comes with discovering he's an AI and also a dead person! He's mostly resolved them at the time I took them from...but it's still a weak spot. And...honestly? Kuhn's accusation would probably have been true in Cielo's past life. The biggest reason Cielo doesn't actually try to hide his real emotions behind his smile is because he doesn't feel any need to with his comrades around. In his past life, well, look at who he was around. Would you want Sheffield knowing any more about your issues than you absolutely had to?
Five...Cielo tends to believe what people call him. He struggles a lot with being real in the second game. All of them do, but Cielo imo struggles the most with that, and I tend to believe it's because he was held captive by the Lokapala who would've continually told through words and actions that he was nothing, first for being a cannibal demon, then for being an AI cannibal demon. He takes when Heat blames him for losing Sera very much to heart. When other people blame him for something, he tends to believe them. And so when Kuhn blamed him...yeah you know where I'm going with that.
And friendship, as something in between comrades and enemies, or even comrades and allies, is new to him. It's still something that he's exploring. He doesn't worry about what he shows comrades like that, because they already know him as well as anyone can know another person. Allies know what's necessary. Friends know what comes up in the conversation and sometimes apparently you can hurt them by not brooding around them.
So now Cielo's basically wondering if he's screwing up friendship somehow badly without knowing it! And hurting people he likes by doing so.
I forgot the other side of the results of this new issue! There was already somewhat of a rebound effect on Cielo's outside relationships due to the Kuhn issue, because well, when a relationship outside the tribe falls apart this badly, it's going to have repercussions for how he thinks about non-tribe people he cares about. He still likes everyone, but, essentially, he's going to have a harder time trusting them. Just because part of him's going to be wondering if there's something he doesn't know that they're thinking is going to come and bite him in the ass again. He doesn't have this with tribe because well, he knows them well enough that he doesn't worry. Okay yes there's things that some of them would potentially kill him for (Hi Heat!) but he knows what they are already and so it's not the same kind of "fuck is this going to come back and bite me randomly"? It won't actually have much of an effect on his relationships though, since honestly for the most part he'll just deal with this issue like he always does: Go D: for a little, then mostly let it go. I just like essaying too much not to write something about this.