I figured out why I like fandom
As much as I talk a lot over here, you may notice that I don't speak much about my real life. I prefer to keep that separate from my journal. But when real life and fandom life overlaps, I guess there's something for me to say.
For a long time I felt that girls are cumbersome. It was so hard to communicate with girls growing up. I had a lot of girl friends (my best friend from primary school, punytang is a 100% girly girl; my other primary school best friend, when_im_smilin is not so much a girly girl and I felt very comfortable with her but she went home to Poland when I was in Primary 4) and I played with them and liked them very much. But I still felt girls were troublesome. I often wondered why we had to pay so much attention to our appearance and our demeanour. I liked (and still do) sit like this (that thing I'm sitting on is a sofa):
I also constantly perform another variation in which my feet are on the ground but the angle extending out from my groin that my legs are spread (sounds wrong) is still the same. Watermelon ALWAYS chides me saying "ka kui kui, tan dua lui" (脚开开，赚大钱 I think: it means 'spread your legs and welcome wealth'). When we were dating I sat like that and I think he got a nasty shock the first time he saw that side of me...
When I was younger my uncles would complain incessantly about me sitting like that (I am the oldest cousin on my mom's side; I was seven when my younger cousins were born and about 11 or 12 when my uncles could bug their own kids) and I would wonder why their reason for me to not sit like that was "Girls should not sit like that".
It didn't help that I was fat. Seriously, there is no other word to describe me. I was overweight. 152 cm and 64 kg is overweight for a 12-year-old, if you ask me. I couldn't cross my legs because my thighs were so thick. I only could cross my legs when I went to secondary school. Yes, I was that fat. These positions were just way more comfortable for me.
When I got to secondary school I met shoutforsteph, who is worse than me in behaving like a girl (she's much more girly now) but we didn't get along until Secondary 2. My other friends Ah Mah and Weejee (no use mentioning their LJs because they're empty) are not exactly girly girls but they're still GIRLS. There's just something about girls that I couldn't handle well, seriously. Throughout primary school and secondary school I was in cliques that had both girls and boys. I think it's because personality-wise I attract guys more than girls - not in a romantic way but very much in a platonic way. I mean, I think girls like me too but my guy friends have told me that they feel very relaxed around me. I'm very grateful for letting them feel that way because most of my guy friends aren't able to really carry out platonic relationships with girls, hahaha.
In church, the segregation between girls and guys was much more prominent. I am very close to the guys from my year (we separate into our birth years to go for Sunday School) but they met each other when they were nekkid babies or something and I only got to know them when I was 13. The girls in my year are great people but there's still this girl element that I find hard to deal with, even until now. There are other girls like me in church, of course, and I find that I feel closer to them. Girls that don't really care about what people think. Haha. Not only in church but elsewhere as well. And in church, the atmosphere is totally different. The way I relate to people is different. I still can be myself but that didn't come easy, and until now I'm not showing everything to my church mates. I think I still need to keep things somewhat professional in church because things just tend to get controversial really easily in these environments.
My poly friends are a slightly different breed because DMC people are just a slightly different breed. For them, I felt that I fit in well with them but in general I didn't fit in very well with my course. I wasn't bitchy enough, I wasn't a go-getter, I wasn't good at pleasing everyone. Or maybe I tried to please everyone? I don't know. But I'm grateful for my girls in poly. And I met other amazing people in poly, like stolenrhymes, wonderingnomad and the latter's partner in crime. It's a funny thing that I didn't meet clarice_dragon until much later, and it was through fandom. XD (And she's like my soul-mate, so it's really strange.) Also, I got really close to my primary school friend Von during this time. She doesn't sit like me but more so than her behaviour, her aura isn't a girly one and I'm so comfortable with her. XD
Girls are just so sensitive, so full of tact, so afraid to look dorky. I think why I love fandom is because, seriously, girls who like Slam Dunk/Ouran/Arashi/TOKIO are all pretty special. I met most of my fandom friends through writing and I love how that we met because of a skill? Haha I sound so pretentious. But I think we appreciated an innate ability within each other and that's how we became friends. Then when we met in real life we realised how crazy we are so we became better friends. Fandom friends are people you actually have a common interest with. A very strong common interest. It's like when you attend a concert and everyone is just united singing a song. Here, have this:
I'm not trying to say my fandom friends outrank my other friends. No. I don't think that's possible. There aren't really 'fandom friends' and 'church friends' or 'secondary school friends'. There are just friends who are not friends any more but family, there are just friends whom I know I will still love no matter how far they are, emotionally or geographically. Rather than classifying my groups of friends I think there are some people I love more and some people I love less, no matter what 'category' they belong to. Though I think girls are still pretty troublesome, I think over the years I've become a troublesome girl myself. So, people aren't perfect and I think to be able to deal with the things that make you frustrated, girliness or not; to be able to accept the flaws of a person - that's love. If I love them that much then I can overlook those parts that irritate me. Y/Y?
I'm someone who really gets invested in relationships, be it with people I don't know (*cough*TOKIO*cough*Arashi*cough*), people whom I married (well, so far I've only been married to one and I hope I will grow old with him and I will die first so I don't have to live without him; I know it's a cliche but whoever felt this way first spoke for all of us who love our spouses), people I've known for only a short time, people I get to know on the internet, people I get to know on the internet and haven't met... I try to dive into the deep end and I want to go to extents for them but sometimes I'm just limited by my own humanness. Sorry about that.
Of course it's not with everybody that I'm like that. I still dislike people. I still feel apathy towards certain relationships. Haha. I still drift apart from people. But for the most part I think I'm really passionate about things and I like people very fast, if they're my kind of person. If they aren't, the affection isn't the same and I may be less of a friend to them. But in the beginning, I think I just gravitate to people whom I like, so... Those cases are few and far between. They do exist, of course.
All right I really have to go take a shower because I have a date with my brothers, whom I've known for ten years and it's the first time we're going anywhere as just the three of us. It's quite funny, actually. But I'm there on a mission! >:-) Laters.
For a long time I felt that girls are cumbersome. It was so hard to communicate with girls growing up. I had a lot of girl friends (my best friend from primary school, punytang is a 100% girly girl; my other primary school best friend, when_im_smilin is not so much a girly girl and I felt very comfortable with her but she went home to Poland when I was in Primary 4) and I played with them and liked them very much. But I still felt girls were troublesome. I often wondered why we had to pay so much attention to our appearance and our demeanour. I liked (and still do) sit like this (that thing I'm sitting on is a sofa):
I also constantly perform another variation in which my feet are on the ground but the angle extending out from my groin that my legs are spread (sounds wrong) is still the same. Watermelon ALWAYS chides me saying "ka kui kui, tan dua lui" (脚开开，赚大钱 I think: it means 'spread your legs and welcome wealth'). When we were dating I sat like that and I think he got a nasty shock the first time he saw that side of me...
When I was younger my uncles would complain incessantly about me sitting like that (I am the oldest cousin on my mom's side; I was seven when my younger cousins were born and about 11 or 12 when my uncles could bug their own kids) and I would wonder why their reason for me to not sit like that was "Girls should not sit like that".
It didn't help that I was fat. Seriously, there is no other word to describe me. I was overweight. 152 cm and 64 kg is overweight for a 12-year-old, if you ask me. I couldn't cross my legs because my thighs were so thick. I only could cross my legs when I went to secondary school. Yes, I was that fat. These positions were just way more comfortable for me.
When I got to secondary school I met shoutforsteph, who is worse than me in behaving like a girl (she's much more girly now) but we didn't get along until Secondary 2. My other friends Ah Mah and Weejee (no use mentioning their LJs because they're empty) are not exactly girly girls but they're still GIRLS. There's just something about girls that I couldn't handle well, seriously. Throughout primary school and secondary school I was in cliques that had both girls and boys. I think it's because personality-wise I attract guys more than girls - not in a romantic way but very much in a platonic way. I mean, I think girls like me too but my guy friends have told me that they feel very relaxed around me. I'm very grateful for letting them feel that way because most of my guy friends aren't able to really carry out platonic relationships with girls, hahaha.
In church, the segregation between girls and guys was much more prominent. I am very close to the guys from my year (we separate into our birth years to go for Sunday School) but they met each other when they were nekkid babies or something and I only got to know them when I was 13. The girls in my year are great people but there's still this girl element that I find hard to deal with, even until now. There are other girls like me in church, of course, and I find that I feel closer to them. Girls that don't really care about what people think. Haha. Not only in church but elsewhere as well. And in church, the atmosphere is totally different. The way I relate to people is different. I still can be myself but that didn't come easy, and until now I'm not showing everything to my church mates. I think I still need to keep things somewhat professional in church because things just tend to get controversial really easily in these environments.
My poly friends are a slightly different breed because DMC people are just a slightly different breed. For them, I felt that I fit in well with them but in general I didn't fit in very well with my course. I wasn't bitchy enough, I wasn't a go-getter, I wasn't good at pleasing everyone. Or maybe I tried to please everyone? I don't know. But I'm grateful for my girls in poly. And I met other amazing people in poly, like stolenrhymes, wonderingnomad and the latter's partner in crime. It's a funny thing that I didn't meet clarice_dragon until much later, and it was through fandom. XD (And she's like my soul-mate, so it's really strange.) Also, I got really close to my primary school friend Von during this time. She doesn't sit like me but more so than her behaviour, her aura isn't a girly one and I'm so comfortable with her. XD
Girls are just so sensitive, so full of tact, so afraid to look dorky. I think why I love fandom is because, seriously, girls who like Slam Dunk/Ouran/Arashi/TOKIO are all pretty special. I met most of my fandom friends through writing and I love how that we met because of a skill? Haha I sound so pretentious. But I think we appreciated an innate ability within each other and that's how we became friends. Then when we met in real life we realised how crazy we are so we became better friends. Fandom friends are people you actually have a common interest with. A very strong common interest. It's like when you attend a concert and everyone is just united singing a song. Here, have this:
I'm not trying to say my fandom friends outrank my other friends. No. I don't think that's possible. There aren't really 'fandom friends' and 'church friends' or 'secondary school friends'. There are just friends who are not friends any more but family, there are just friends whom I know I will still love no matter how far they are, emotionally or geographically. Rather than classifying my groups of friends I think there are some people I love more and some people I love less, no matter what 'category' they belong to. Though I think girls are still pretty troublesome, I think over the years I've become a troublesome girl myself. So, people aren't perfect and I think to be able to deal with the things that make you frustrated, girliness or not; to be able to accept the flaws of a person - that's love. If I love them that much then I can overlook those parts that irritate me. Y/Y?
I'm someone who really gets invested in relationships, be it with people I don't know (*cough*TOKIO*cough*Arashi*cough*), people whom I married (well, so far I've only been married to one and I hope I will grow old with him and I will die first so I don't have to live without him; I know it's a cliche but whoever felt this way first spoke for all of us who love our spouses), people I've known for only a short time, people I get to know on the internet, people I get to know on the internet and haven't met... I try to dive into the deep end and I want to go to extents for them but sometimes I'm just limited by my own humanness. Sorry about that.
Of course it's not with everybody that I'm like that. I still dislike people. I still feel apathy towards certain relationships. Haha. I still drift apart from people. But for the most part I think I'm really passionate about things and I like people very fast, if they're my kind of person. If they aren't, the affection isn't the same and I may be less of a friend to them. But in the beginning, I think I just gravitate to people whom I like, so... Those cases are few and far between. They do exist, of course.
All right I really have to go take a shower because I have a date with my brothers, whom I've known for ten years and it's the first time we're going anywhere as just the three of us. It's quite funny, actually. But I'm there on a mission! >:-) Laters.