Jun 05, 2006 17:00
So all this stuff has been pretty crazy with Sarah but I actually feel pretty good about it. I've always believed that I've had a special connection to her because we were born the same year (her 19th Jan - me 10th Dec) and even believed that perhaps she might be my guardian angel. When I was younger I even thought if I had a daughter that I would call her Sarah but I didn't want to upset mum. I thought about it as a middle name when I found out I was having a girl but I knew Dean wasn't to keen on it. So anyway for me this has been a good experience and acknowledges that she was infact a person and someone that would have been amazing (after all she was our sister). I think being a mum myself now makes me realize just how horrible that event would have been and the fact that Allyra turns one tomorrow just puts it more into perspective.
When I was younger (remember I was a weird child) I used to wonder about her alot and even believed for quiet a while that if a family member dies the next child born would carry their soul. So I used to sit there and wonder am I Sarah, is this how she would have been or looked if she had survived. I sound like a weirdo dont I but this is truely how I felt. After a long time I stopped thinking about it because just began to sound to creepy. Mind you though when I fell pregnant at seventeen and had to have an abortion I was devastated. Although all along I had felt like it wasn't the right time; when everything was set in place I had a change of heart and really did want to keep the baby. I desperately wanted Dean to say lets keep it but it was never said and I was afraid to say it to him. When I was in the waiting room with all the other women I was the only one holding my belly. I silently said to my belly that I love you and I'll see you in a few years. I cried walking into the operating room and bawled when I woke up on the bed because the baby was gone. The only reason I'm telling you this is because I guess a part of me does believe in the soul carry on thing. I honestly believe that the soul that was created when I was seventeen is the soul that lives in my little Deakyn now and that it really just wasn't his time yet.
I dont know about Sarah being me or even Sarah being my guardian angel I'm just glad that after 25 years even though she has probably been watching over all of us we have finally found her and can officially have her as part of our family and I am so truely honored to have another sister.
Rest In Peace Sarah I love you.