I wish I could change...
This is the worst I've felt in... I dunno how long. I am at the point where I could just jump now... After the excellent day I had yesterday with Francesca... After she got home from work and went online... We talked. Everything went to shit. Here is the conversation (it's all my fault, if I weren't so stupid...):
PsychoticLove420: hi
OvertheEdgeFear: Hey, how are you?
OvertheEdgeFear: And how was work?
PsychoticLove420: oh .. im peachy..and so was work
OvertheEdgeFear: Was that sarcasm?
PsychoticLove420: yeah.. lol
OvertheEdgeFear: Oh...
PsychoticLove420: did u write that poem u had as ur away message
OvertheEdgeFear: Yeah
OvertheEdgeFear: It was part of my song I wrote just before youc ame on
PsychoticLove420: when
PsychoticLove420: ooh
OvertheEdgeFear: y?
PsychoticLove420: im jw
OvertheEdgeFear: I see
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: Just something... I dunno
PsychoticLove420: me 2 lol
PsychoticLove420: ?
OvertheEdgeFear: Ya wanna read the whole thing?
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: "Unnoticed"
[Verse 1]
I am feeling so damn dead
Wishing everything would go away
Feeling like all I do is get mislead
Wishing that I had more to say
Nothing I could ever call my own
Hating everything I hold inside
Love doesn't fit my life, I'm alone
I guess all I can do is just hide
OvertheEdgeFear: [Chorus]
I see you standing over there
I walk up to you… Back off
Wish I could show you how much I care
I can't talk to you… Words lost
[Verse 2]
You see me but just look right through me
Wish that I could be someone
Wish that I was something worth to see
Wish so bad that I could be the one
OvertheEdgeFear: Knowing deep down inside I'm nothing
Knowing my dreams won't ever come true
Lost in my void, can't even think
Giving everything to be with you
OvertheEdgeFear: [Chorus 2]
I see you standing over there
I walk up to you… Back off
Wish I could show you how much I care
I can't talk to you… Words lost
Fearing I will show you who I am
Show you my past… My pain
Regretting being the man I am
My self-loathing… My disdain
OvertheEdgeFear: [Bridge]
And I still try
But…
No good, won't do
Feel so bad, I hurt, I cry
But…
It don't matter, nothing to you
OvertheEdgeFear: [Chorus 2]
I see you standing over there
I walk up to you… Back off
Wish I could show you how much I care
I can't talk to you… Words lost
Fearing I will show you who I am
Show you my past… My pain
Regretting being the man I am
My self-loathing… My disdain
PsychoticLove420: i have a ?
OvertheEdgeFear: [End]
I see you standing over there…
I walk up to you…
You look at me, just look away
There is nothing I can do…
Wish I was someone else
Someone that isn't me
Wish I wasn't so much less
Wish I could be someone you want to see
OvertheEdgeFear: Broken down…
Not much hope
Hit the ground
Can not cope
Too much pain
Nothing fought
Die in vain…
You give no thought…
-Jeremy Duley
March 17, 2004
OvertheEdgeFear: Go for it lol
OvertheEdgeFear: (Questino)
PsychoticLove420: is that for ur ex gf?
OvertheEdgeFear: Nah
OvertheEdgeFear: She wants me back
OvertheEdgeFear: I... I don't think I should go back...
PsychoticLove420: so go out with her
PsychoticLove420: why not
OvertheEdgeFear: I dunno...
PsychoticLove420: the girl that lives far away?
OvertheEdgeFear: Just... Someone else has come along, and...
OvertheEdgeFear: Yeah
PsychoticLove420: so..
OvertheEdgeFear: That'd be the one that wants me back
OvertheEdgeFear: My ex fiancee
PsychoticLove420: who is making u feel unnoticed?
OvertheEdgeFear: I dunno
OvertheEdgeFear: Just something on my mind
PsychoticLove420: i see
OvertheEdgeFear: Basically showing how I feel about myself
PsychoticLove420: i see
OvertheEdgeFear: And how... I don't beleive I could ever be wanted
PsychoticLove420: oh
OvertheEdgeFear: Anyway
PsychoticLove420: i was at work.. and this guy asked me out
OvertheEdgeFear: Really...
PsychoticLove420: yeah
OvertheEdgeFear: What did you say?
PsychoticLove420: i got pissed and said no
OvertheEdgeFear: Why did you get pissed?
OvertheEdgeFear: Is it because
PsychoticLove420: because thats so rude
OvertheEdgeFear: Of Josh and you... NOt long ago
PsychoticLove420: yeah
OvertheEdgeFear: I see
PsychoticLove420: i just got out of something really hard im tryin to deal with.. and i was jus like wtf
OvertheEdgeFear: Yeah, I know what you mean
OvertheEdgeFear: Well, if it weren't for that reason, what do you think you would have said?
PsychoticLove420: me and him fooled around in the summer tho.. and he still wants me..but hes..ew. lol
PsychoticLove420: i would have said no..without the pissed part lol
OvertheEdgeFear: I see
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: Oh, I think I know what movie we could see Friday
PsychoticLove420: this brocolli taste weird..what movie
OvertheEdgeFear: I think it's called "Open Window" or something
OvertheEdgeFear: It seems cool
PsychoticLove420: ok
OvertheEdgeFear: (The only one that looks decent)
PsychoticLove420: oh
OvertheEdgeFear: Unless there's something else you wanna see?
PsychoticLove420: no its fine
OvertheEdgeFear: Ok, I won't ask if your sure, because if you change your mind, then you would tell me, right?
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: K
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't understand why I feel the way I do right now... I hurt really bad inside...
PsychoticLove420: aw why
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know why...
PsychoticLove420: u wanna talk about it or anything
OvertheEdgeFear: If I knew what it was, I... I might have...
OvertheEdgeFear: But...
PsychoticLove420: ?
OvertheEdgeFear: Nevermind
OvertheEdgeFear: So... Uh... Who asked you out?
PsychoticLove420: tell me
PsychoticLove420: dont change the subject
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't feel like talking about it
OvertheEdgeFear: YOu might think I am psycho
OvertheEdgeFear: Or something
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know
PsychoticLove420: no i wont
OvertheEdgeFear: You would... I just don't want to talk about it
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry
PsychoticLove420: no i wouldnt
PsychoticLove420: please dont tell me how i would think of u
OvertheEdgeFear: Am I really as bad as I think I am? I mean... Am I as hideous, as... Stupid, as much of a loser...? And if not, then why do I feel this way?
OvertheEdgeFear: If I feel it, there's got to be a reason for it
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry
PsychoticLove420: ok
PsychoticLove420: now listen to me
OvertheEdgeFear: ...?
PsychoticLove420: you are not any of the above.. i know u might think that.. but its not true jeremy.. we all have our doubts about ourselves..but that doesnt mean its true
OvertheEdgeFear: Then why has everyone said so?
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, not eveyone can be wrong like that
PsychoticLove420: who
PsychoticLove420: who says that
OvertheEdgeFear: Well, people in my past
OvertheEdgeFear: Everyone, basically
PsychoticLove420: fuck that
PsychoticLove420: and everyone in ur past
PsychoticLove420: why the fuck do u care what people think about u
OvertheEdgeFear: It just hurts, knowing that... I haven't really ever had anyone... LIke... NO one that has ever really cared about me
PsychoticLove420: girlfriends?
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, it hurts to be alone...
OvertheEdgeFear: Not just hat
OvertheEdgeFear: that*
PsychoticLove420: yes.. trust me.. iknow.
OvertheEdgeFear: Just anyone in general
OvertheEdgeFear: And everyone who I thought cared... Turned out to either use me, or... Pretend... Just to make me worse off
PsychoticLove420: forget them
OvertheEdgeFear: Because as it stands right now... I am purely alone
OvertheEdgeFear: At least, I feel that way
PsychoticLove420: im here for you
OvertheEdgeFear: But, do you truly care?
PsychoticLove420: look
OvertheEdgeFear: And if so, why?
PsychoticLove420: if i didnt.. i wouldnt have spent my day with you
OvertheEdgeFear: True... But why do you care?
PsychoticLove420: i like having u there.. i feel like.. i can talk to you about anything
PsychoticLove420: and you are such a nice guy
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
OvertheEdgeFear: I really like being around you
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, I am so serious when I say I have never been happy since her... Until I hang out with you
OvertheEdgeFear: Just talking to you
OvertheEdgeFear: It scares me
PsychoticLove420: why
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
OvertheEdgeFear: I can't say why
PsychoticLove420: why
OvertheEdgeFear: Because, I am scared to say why
PsychoticLove420: just say it
OvertheEdgeFear: It will make things really awkward, I believe
OvertheEdgeFear: So I can't say it
PsychoticLove420: jeremy .. its gonna be awkward if u dont say it
PsychoticLove420: so say it
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
PsychoticLove420: ?
OvertheEdgeFear: You have known since... Well, for a while that I like you...
OvertheEdgeFear: Well...
PsychoticLove420: ...
OvertheEdgeFear: It...
OvertheEdgeFear: I think it's turning past that point
PsychoticLove420: what do u mean
OvertheEdgeFear: I just feel... Happy around you, and... It was like taht with her
PsychoticLove420: i see
OvertheEdgeFear: You know what I am getting at?
PsychoticLove420: no
PsychoticLove420: im sorry i dont
OvertheEdgeFear: Please, jsut let's not talk about this
PsychoticLove420: nou started it.. i want to know what you have to say
PsychoticLove420: its ok
OvertheEdgeFear: I hate saying how i feel
PsychoticLove420: nothing u can say will change what i think
OvertheEdgeFear: It always ends with me gettng hurt
OvertheEdgeFear: What do you think?
PsychoticLove420: i think u shoud tell me lol
OvertheEdgeFear: Oh
OvertheEdgeFear: Look, I should go
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry
PsychoticLove420: i dont understand you
OvertheEdgeFear: No one ever does...
PsychoticLove420: Maybe if you would let me..
OvertheEdgeFear: What's the point?
PsychoticLove420: nothing.. forget it .. if you wanna go.. then go i guess
OvertheEdgeFear: I let people see inside me, they rip me apart... I can't deal with it anymore... I don't want to get hurt anymore
PsychoticLove420: im sorry.. was i not hurt or something
OvertheEdgeFear: So I hide my feelig
PsychoticLove420: jesus .. ive been wanting to die this past week
PsychoticLove420: i feel like i have no reason to be here
OvertheEdgeFear: That is not what I meant
PsychoticLove420: its like.. i couldnt go on without him
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
PsychoticLove420: but i am.
OvertheEdgeFear: If you really ahve to know... I think I am starting to fall in love with you... And I know... I don't know why... But I know this isn't a good time, or... Something that you want...
OvertheEdgeFear: And that was all confusing
OvertheEdgeFear: See... I am psycho
PsychoticLove420: no ur not
OvertheEdgeFear: But... It isn't normal...
PsychoticLove420: but u dont want to do that.. trust me.
OvertheEdgeFear: And why not?
PsychoticLove420: u dont want to fall in love me.
PsychoticLove420: just please.
OvertheEdgeFear: Because you don't feel the same about me
PsychoticLove420: look.. im just saying
PsychoticLove420: its not a smart idea
PsychoticLove420: i mean.. its.. me.
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't care... I can't help it
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, I see you... I just... Melt
OvertheEdgeFear: You are so sweet and nice
OvertheEdgeFear: You make me feel like a person
PsychoticLove420: no im not
OvertheEdgeFear: you are though
OvertheEdgeFear: You don't understand
PsychoticLove420: i guess not
OvertheEdgeFear: Listen, I know that I am not exactly anything anyone would want... But, I do have feelings... And I know what I feel...
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean
OvertheEdgeFear: I can't explain it
PsychoticLove420: STOP
OvertheEdgeFear: but, I know...
OvertheEdgeFear: I told you you didn't want to hear it
OvertheEdgeFear: You didnt' listen
PsychoticLove420: YOU NEED.. TO STOP
PsychoticLove420: NO
PsychoticLove420: IM NOT TELLING U TO STOP WITH UR FEELINGS
PsychoticLove420: IM SICK OF HEARING YOUR NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTS..AND U KEEP PUTTING URSELF DOWN
PsychoticLove420: YOU NEED TO STOP
PsychoticLove420: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DONT FUCKING SEE THAT
OvertheEdgeFear: But it's what I've heard my whole life, why shouldn't I believe it?
PsychoticLove420: look
OvertheEdgeFear: I look at myself..
OvertheEdgeFear: And I can't bear it
PsychoticLove420: i know .. the bad things are always easier to believe
OvertheEdgeFear: I despise myself
OvertheEdgeFear: I have wanted to die every fucking day... Every day
OvertheEdgeFear: I have tried and tried to find soething to hold onto
OvertheEdgeFear: And I found nothkng
OvertheEdgeFear: I am losing it... I can't keep fighting this
PsychoticLove420: so wat r u gonna do
OvertheEdgeFear: There's nothing i can do
OvertheEdgeFear: I can't hurt my mom...
PsychoticLove420: so if it wasnt for ur mom.. uw ould do something
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't see any other reason...
PsychoticLove420: ok.
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know what I am saying
OvertheEdgeFear: I am not thinking clearly
PsychoticLove420: oh
OvertheEdgeFear: I fall into these moods, where... I just... All I feel is depressed
OvertheEdgeFear: And... I don't know why, but... THat's how i feel now
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry...
OvertheEdgeFear: Can you do something for me please?
PsychoticLove420: what
OvertheEdgeFear: I told you how I feel... And you seem to avoid telling me your feelings... Your true feelings?
PsychoticLove420 is away at 11:12:42 PM.
OvertheEdgeFear: If Josh were not a factor, if you were completely over him... How would you feel?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from PsychoticLove420: You only leave me wondering about one thing..
What exacally do you see when you look in the mirror?..
You see someone no one else sees.
..I'll never understand
overtheedgefear
I know it's all my fault, and I am sorry for everything... I wish I could change, I wish I didn't speak my mind... I wrote this poem after that, last night at 11:38 (not entirely to do with it, but I realize that everything that I went through is what I blame for me being so screwed up... I want to blame the people that hurt me for the way I am... I realize that I can't blame them... They can't make me feel and act the way I do, they can have an impact on the way I feel, but they can't make me do what I do... So, I wrote this for that reason):
"Blame You"
Feeling entangled
Losing my war
Don't want to go on
Can't take this no more
My reason to stay
I wish it weren't true
Has been taken away
Wish I could blame you
But I know what's real
I know why I must fade
It's 'cause of the pain that I feel
'Cause the choices I've made
It's all 'cause of me
I wish it weren't true
I wish me you could be
Then I could blame you...
-Jeremy Duley
March 17, 2004
I'm sorry to everyone who I have hurt... I wish I could change myself... But... I guess I was just a mistake. I wish that Frankie would give me another chance... I know she shouldn't... But I hope she does.
Well, after that convo we had last night, she wasn't in school today, so that worried me. Suicide was discussed, and she wasn't there... But she could be hanging out with her ex; Josh. Whatever it is... I just hope she doesn't hate me. I couldn't deal with that.
The poem is about how I want to fade away... Or commit suicide.
"Losing the war
Don't want to go on", the inner struggle within, fighting for my sanity, and life.
"Can't take this no more"... I can't take the pain that I feel inside... It is just too much to bear...
The whole second stanza is about how I wish I could blame someone else for why I must die... How I wish I didn't have to blame myself.
The third stanza is about how I realize what the truth is, that I am to blame. How I want to die, because of the pain I hold inside me, from everything I have done.
"It's all 'cause of me", well... Self explanatory... I am to blame for being the way I am, and being made fun of and going through the torment, it's all my fault. If I weren't the loser I was/am, then the people wouldn't torment me...
"I wish it weren't true", this explains how I wish that this pain and the guilt weren't true... Obvious.
"I wish me you could be", I am explaining how I wish someone else could walk in my shoes, to know how I feel, to go through what I did... And...
"Then I could blame you", ...And so I could blame that person. If they were me, then I could blame them, but I am the only me... So I am all I can blame.
It's my best poem I have written, I believe... I... I wish I weren't myself.
---
Today in school, it just dragged... All I thought about all day was Francesca...
German, we played around the world with questions and stuff. I only beat 5 people today... I suck...
Ind. in Soc., we read some of The Crucible.
Web Design... I just sat there, and a counselor called me down. I was so depressed, I just told him a lot of what's happened in the past couple months...
Chemistry... We reviewed for a test tomorrow.
World History... We played Jeopardy kind of... It was ok, at least we didn't take notes. We have a test tomorrow. Homework is due tomorrow... Dammit.
Well, here I go, I might go to the mall. I dunno... I hope I can make it through the day... Pray for me...
-------------
*New added after entry*
Well, I went to the mall... Alone. Francesca introduced me to a great band yesterday when I was at her house called "Three Days Grace". I went to Best Buy after the mall and bought the CD. It's a great buy. That was the only good part of my day... The rest is shrouded in a horrible cloud of grey depression... Still feeling it.
Just wrote this, too:
“When You Walked Away”
Once you asked me;
How do I feel?
I ask myself the same
And wonder what's real
I look at you
See your face
Look away
I can not place
My feelings down
I just don't know
I'm too afraid
I just can't show
What is it
That I hide inside
Do I love you?
I look, but can’t find
Trying not to get close
I screwed myself over again
I fell in love
But can only be friends
I ask you the same
You know the truth
You don’t answer
Just smile with youth
I walk away
And turn around
See your face
Can’t make a sound
You look past me
I never had hope
I walk away again
Trying to cope
You walk away too
Go our separate ways
Breaking my heart
Killing today
So envious of your love
Pain stabbing like knives
Feeling it crash down
When you walked away… I lost my life
-Jeremy Duley
March 18, 2004
overtheedgefear
PsychoticLove420: hi
OvertheEdgeFear: Hey, how are you?
OvertheEdgeFear: And how was work?
PsychoticLove420: oh .. im peachy..and so was work
OvertheEdgeFear: Was that sarcasm?
PsychoticLove420: yeah.. lol
OvertheEdgeFear: Oh...
PsychoticLove420: did u write that poem u had as ur away message
OvertheEdgeFear: Yeah
OvertheEdgeFear: It was part of my song I wrote just before youc ame on
PsychoticLove420: when
PsychoticLove420: ooh
OvertheEdgeFear: y?
PsychoticLove420: im jw
OvertheEdgeFear: I see
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: Just something... I dunno
PsychoticLove420: me 2 lol
PsychoticLove420: ?
OvertheEdgeFear: Ya wanna read the whole thing?
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: "Unnoticed"
[Verse 1]
I am feeling so damn dead
Wishing everything would go away
Feeling like all I do is get mislead
Wishing that I had more to say
Nothing I could ever call my own
Hating everything I hold inside
Love doesn't fit my life, I'm alone
I guess all I can do is just hide
OvertheEdgeFear: [Chorus]
I see you standing over there
I walk up to you… Back off
Wish I could show you how much I care
I can't talk to you… Words lost
[Verse 2]
You see me but just look right through me
Wish that I could be someone
Wish that I was something worth to see
Wish so bad that I could be the one
OvertheEdgeFear: Knowing deep down inside I'm nothing
Knowing my dreams won't ever come true
Lost in my void, can't even think
Giving everything to be with you
OvertheEdgeFear: [Chorus 2]
I see you standing over there
I walk up to you… Back off
Wish I could show you how much I care
I can't talk to you… Words lost
Fearing I will show you who I am
Show you my past… My pain
Regretting being the man I am
My self-loathing… My disdain
OvertheEdgeFear: [Bridge]
And I still try
But…
No good, won't do
Feel so bad, I hurt, I cry
But…
It don't matter, nothing to you
OvertheEdgeFear: [Chorus 2]
I see you standing over there
I walk up to you… Back off
Wish I could show you how much I care
I can't talk to you… Words lost
Fearing I will show you who I am
Show you my past… My pain
Regretting being the man I am
My self-loathing… My disdain
PsychoticLove420: i have a ?
OvertheEdgeFear: [End]
I see you standing over there…
I walk up to you…
You look at me, just look away
There is nothing I can do…
Wish I was someone else
Someone that isn't me
Wish I wasn't so much less
Wish I could be someone you want to see
OvertheEdgeFear: Broken down…
Not much hope
Hit the ground
Can not cope
Too much pain
Nothing fought
Die in vain…
You give no thought…
-Jeremy Duley
March 17, 2004
OvertheEdgeFear: Go for it lol
OvertheEdgeFear: (Questino)
PsychoticLove420: is that for ur ex gf?
OvertheEdgeFear: Nah
OvertheEdgeFear: She wants me back
OvertheEdgeFear: I... I don't think I should go back...
PsychoticLove420: so go out with her
PsychoticLove420: why not
OvertheEdgeFear: I dunno...
PsychoticLove420: the girl that lives far away?
OvertheEdgeFear: Just... Someone else has come along, and...
OvertheEdgeFear: Yeah
PsychoticLove420: so..
OvertheEdgeFear: That'd be the one that wants me back
OvertheEdgeFear: My ex fiancee
PsychoticLove420: who is making u feel unnoticed?
OvertheEdgeFear: I dunno
OvertheEdgeFear: Just something on my mind
PsychoticLove420: i see
OvertheEdgeFear: Basically showing how I feel about myself
PsychoticLove420: i see
OvertheEdgeFear: And how... I don't beleive I could ever be wanted
PsychoticLove420: oh
OvertheEdgeFear: Anyway
PsychoticLove420: i was at work.. and this guy asked me out
OvertheEdgeFear: Really...
PsychoticLove420: yeah
OvertheEdgeFear: What did you say?
PsychoticLove420: i got pissed and said no
OvertheEdgeFear: Why did you get pissed?
OvertheEdgeFear: Is it because
PsychoticLove420: because thats so rude
OvertheEdgeFear: Of Josh and you... NOt long ago
PsychoticLove420: yeah
OvertheEdgeFear: I see
PsychoticLove420: i just got out of something really hard im tryin to deal with.. and i was jus like wtf
OvertheEdgeFear: Yeah, I know what you mean
OvertheEdgeFear: Well, if it weren't for that reason, what do you think you would have said?
PsychoticLove420: me and him fooled around in the summer tho.. and he still wants me..but hes..ew. lol
PsychoticLove420: i would have said no..without the pissed part lol
OvertheEdgeFear: I see
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: Oh, I think I know what movie we could see Friday
PsychoticLove420: this brocolli taste weird..what movie
OvertheEdgeFear: I think it's called "Open Window" or something
OvertheEdgeFear: It seems cool
PsychoticLove420: ok
OvertheEdgeFear: (The only one that looks decent)
PsychoticLove420: oh
OvertheEdgeFear: Unless there's something else you wanna see?
PsychoticLove420: no its fine
OvertheEdgeFear: Ok, I won't ask if your sure, because if you change your mind, then you would tell me, right?
PsychoticLove420: yea
OvertheEdgeFear: K
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't understand why I feel the way I do right now... I hurt really bad inside...
PsychoticLove420: aw why
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know why...
PsychoticLove420: u wanna talk about it or anything
OvertheEdgeFear: If I knew what it was, I... I might have...
OvertheEdgeFear: But...
PsychoticLove420: ?
OvertheEdgeFear: Nevermind
OvertheEdgeFear: So... Uh... Who asked you out?
PsychoticLove420: tell me
PsychoticLove420: dont change the subject
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't feel like talking about it
OvertheEdgeFear: YOu might think I am psycho
OvertheEdgeFear: Or something
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know
PsychoticLove420: no i wont
OvertheEdgeFear: You would... I just don't want to talk about it
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry
PsychoticLove420: no i wouldnt
PsychoticLove420: please dont tell me how i would think of u
OvertheEdgeFear: Am I really as bad as I think I am? I mean... Am I as hideous, as... Stupid, as much of a loser...? And if not, then why do I feel this way?
OvertheEdgeFear: If I feel it, there's got to be a reason for it
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry
PsychoticLove420: ok
PsychoticLove420: now listen to me
OvertheEdgeFear: ...?
PsychoticLove420: you are not any of the above.. i know u might think that.. but its not true jeremy.. we all have our doubts about ourselves..but that doesnt mean its true
OvertheEdgeFear: Then why has everyone said so?
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, not eveyone can be wrong like that
PsychoticLove420: who
PsychoticLove420: who says that
OvertheEdgeFear: Well, people in my past
OvertheEdgeFear: Everyone, basically
PsychoticLove420: fuck that
PsychoticLove420: and everyone in ur past
PsychoticLove420: why the fuck do u care what people think about u
OvertheEdgeFear: It just hurts, knowing that... I haven't really ever had anyone... LIke... NO one that has ever really cared about me
PsychoticLove420: girlfriends?
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, it hurts to be alone...
OvertheEdgeFear: Not just hat
OvertheEdgeFear: that*
PsychoticLove420: yes.. trust me.. iknow.
OvertheEdgeFear: Just anyone in general
OvertheEdgeFear: And everyone who I thought cared... Turned out to either use me, or... Pretend... Just to make me worse off
PsychoticLove420: forget them
OvertheEdgeFear: Because as it stands right now... I am purely alone
OvertheEdgeFear: At least, I feel that way
PsychoticLove420: im here for you
OvertheEdgeFear: But, do you truly care?
PsychoticLove420: look
OvertheEdgeFear: And if so, why?
PsychoticLove420: if i didnt.. i wouldnt have spent my day with you
OvertheEdgeFear: True... But why do you care?
PsychoticLove420: i like having u there.. i feel like.. i can talk to you about anything
PsychoticLove420: and you are such a nice guy
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
OvertheEdgeFear: I really like being around you
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, I am so serious when I say I have never been happy since her... Until I hang out with you
OvertheEdgeFear: Just talking to you
OvertheEdgeFear: It scares me
PsychoticLove420: why
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
OvertheEdgeFear: I can't say why
PsychoticLove420: why
OvertheEdgeFear: Because, I am scared to say why
PsychoticLove420: just say it
OvertheEdgeFear: It will make things really awkward, I believe
OvertheEdgeFear: So I can't say it
PsychoticLove420: jeremy .. its gonna be awkward if u dont say it
PsychoticLove420: so say it
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
PsychoticLove420: ?
OvertheEdgeFear: You have known since... Well, for a while that I like you...
OvertheEdgeFear: Well...
PsychoticLove420: ...
OvertheEdgeFear: It...
OvertheEdgeFear: I think it's turning past that point
PsychoticLove420: what do u mean
OvertheEdgeFear: I just feel... Happy around you, and... It was like taht with her
PsychoticLove420: i see
OvertheEdgeFear: You know what I am getting at?
PsychoticLove420: no
PsychoticLove420: im sorry i dont
OvertheEdgeFear: Please, jsut let's not talk about this
PsychoticLove420: nou started it.. i want to know what you have to say
PsychoticLove420: its ok
OvertheEdgeFear: I hate saying how i feel
PsychoticLove420: nothing u can say will change what i think
OvertheEdgeFear: It always ends with me gettng hurt
OvertheEdgeFear: What do you think?
PsychoticLove420: i think u shoud tell me lol
OvertheEdgeFear: Oh
OvertheEdgeFear: Look, I should go
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry
PsychoticLove420: i dont understand you
OvertheEdgeFear: No one ever does...
PsychoticLove420: Maybe if you would let me..
OvertheEdgeFear: What's the point?
PsychoticLove420: nothing.. forget it .. if you wanna go.. then go i guess
OvertheEdgeFear: I let people see inside me, they rip me apart... I can't deal with it anymore... I don't want to get hurt anymore
PsychoticLove420: im sorry.. was i not hurt or something
OvertheEdgeFear: So I hide my feelig
PsychoticLove420: jesus .. ive been wanting to die this past week
PsychoticLove420: i feel like i have no reason to be here
OvertheEdgeFear: That is not what I meant
PsychoticLove420: its like.. i couldnt go on without him
OvertheEdgeFear: ...
PsychoticLove420: but i am.
OvertheEdgeFear: If you really ahve to know... I think I am starting to fall in love with you... And I know... I don't know why... But I know this isn't a good time, or... Something that you want...
OvertheEdgeFear: And that was all confusing
OvertheEdgeFear: See... I am psycho
PsychoticLove420: no ur not
OvertheEdgeFear: But... It isn't normal...
PsychoticLove420: but u dont want to do that.. trust me.
OvertheEdgeFear: And why not?
PsychoticLove420: u dont want to fall in love me.
PsychoticLove420: just please.
OvertheEdgeFear: Because you don't feel the same about me
PsychoticLove420: look.. im just saying
PsychoticLove420: its not a smart idea
PsychoticLove420: i mean.. its.. me.
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't care... I can't help it
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean, I see you... I just... Melt
OvertheEdgeFear: You are so sweet and nice
OvertheEdgeFear: You make me feel like a person
PsychoticLove420: no im not
OvertheEdgeFear: you are though
OvertheEdgeFear: You don't understand
PsychoticLove420: i guess not
OvertheEdgeFear: Listen, I know that I am not exactly anything anyone would want... But, I do have feelings... And I know what I feel...
OvertheEdgeFear: I mean
OvertheEdgeFear: I can't explain it
PsychoticLove420: STOP
OvertheEdgeFear: but, I know...
OvertheEdgeFear: I told you you didn't want to hear it
OvertheEdgeFear: You didnt' listen
PsychoticLove420: YOU NEED.. TO STOP
PsychoticLove420: NO
PsychoticLove420: IM NOT TELLING U TO STOP WITH UR FEELINGS
PsychoticLove420: IM SICK OF HEARING YOUR NOT WHAT ANYONE WANTS..AND U KEEP PUTTING URSELF DOWN
PsychoticLove420: YOU NEED TO STOP
PsychoticLove420: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DONT FUCKING SEE THAT
OvertheEdgeFear: But it's what I've heard my whole life, why shouldn't I believe it?
PsychoticLove420: look
OvertheEdgeFear: I look at myself..
OvertheEdgeFear: And I can't bear it
PsychoticLove420: i know .. the bad things are always easier to believe
OvertheEdgeFear: I despise myself
OvertheEdgeFear: I have wanted to die every fucking day... Every day
OvertheEdgeFear: I have tried and tried to find soething to hold onto
OvertheEdgeFear: And I found nothkng
OvertheEdgeFear: I am losing it... I can't keep fighting this
PsychoticLove420: so wat r u gonna do
OvertheEdgeFear: There's nothing i can do
OvertheEdgeFear: I can't hurt my mom...
PsychoticLove420: so if it wasnt for ur mom.. uw ould do something
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't see any other reason...
PsychoticLove420: ok.
OvertheEdgeFear: I don't know what I am saying
OvertheEdgeFear: I am not thinking clearly
PsychoticLove420: oh
OvertheEdgeFear: I fall into these moods, where... I just... All I feel is depressed
OvertheEdgeFear: And... I don't know why, but... THat's how i feel now
OvertheEdgeFear: I'm sorry...
OvertheEdgeFear: Can you do something for me please?
PsychoticLove420: what
OvertheEdgeFear: I told you how I feel... And you seem to avoid telling me your feelings... Your true feelings?
PsychoticLove420 is away at 11:12:42 PM.
OvertheEdgeFear: If Josh were not a factor, if you were completely over him... How would you feel?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from PsychoticLove420: You only leave me wondering about one thing..
What exacally do you see when you look in the mirror?..
You see someone no one else sees.
..I'll never understand
overtheedgefear
I know it's all my fault, and I am sorry for everything... I wish I could change, I wish I didn't speak my mind... I wrote this poem after that, last night at 11:38 (not entirely to do with it, but I realize that everything that I went through is what I blame for me being so screwed up... I want to blame the people that hurt me for the way I am... I realize that I can't blame them... They can't make me feel and act the way I do, they can have an impact on the way I feel, but they can't make me do what I do... So, I wrote this for that reason):
"Blame You"
Feeling entangled
Losing my war
Don't want to go on
Can't take this no more
My reason to stay
I wish it weren't true
Has been taken away
Wish I could blame you
But I know what's real
I know why I must fade
It's 'cause of the pain that I feel
'Cause the choices I've made
It's all 'cause of me
I wish it weren't true
I wish me you could be
Then I could blame you...
-Jeremy Duley
March 17, 2004
I'm sorry to everyone who I have hurt... I wish I could change myself... But... I guess I was just a mistake. I wish that Frankie would give me another chance... I know she shouldn't... But I hope she does.
Well, after that convo we had last night, she wasn't in school today, so that worried me. Suicide was discussed, and she wasn't there... But she could be hanging out with her ex; Josh. Whatever it is... I just hope she doesn't hate me. I couldn't deal with that.
The poem is about how I want to fade away... Or commit suicide.
"Losing the war
Don't want to go on", the inner struggle within, fighting for my sanity, and life.
"Can't take this no more"... I can't take the pain that I feel inside... It is just too much to bear...
The whole second stanza is about how I wish I could blame someone else for why I must die... How I wish I didn't have to blame myself.
The third stanza is about how I realize what the truth is, that I am to blame. How I want to die, because of the pain I hold inside me, from everything I have done.
"It's all 'cause of me", well... Self explanatory... I am to blame for being the way I am, and being made fun of and going through the torment, it's all my fault. If I weren't the loser I was/am, then the people wouldn't torment me...
"I wish it weren't true", this explains how I wish that this pain and the guilt weren't true... Obvious.
"I wish me you could be", I am explaining how I wish someone else could walk in my shoes, to know how I feel, to go through what I did... And...
"Then I could blame you", ...And so I could blame that person. If they were me, then I could blame them, but I am the only me... So I am all I can blame.
It's my best poem I have written, I believe... I... I wish I weren't myself.
---
Today in school, it just dragged... All I thought about all day was Francesca...
German, we played around the world with questions and stuff. I only beat 5 people today... I suck...
Ind. in Soc., we read some of The Crucible.
Web Design... I just sat there, and a counselor called me down. I was so depressed, I just told him a lot of what's happened in the past couple months...
Chemistry... We reviewed for a test tomorrow.
World History... We played Jeopardy kind of... It was ok, at least we didn't take notes. We have a test tomorrow. Homework is due tomorrow... Dammit.
Well, here I go, I might go to the mall. I dunno... I hope I can make it through the day... Pray for me...
-------------
*New added after entry*
Well, I went to the mall... Alone. Francesca introduced me to a great band yesterday when I was at her house called "Three Days Grace". I went to Best Buy after the mall and bought the CD. It's a great buy. That was the only good part of my day... The rest is shrouded in a horrible cloud of grey depression... Still feeling it.
Just wrote this, too:
“When You Walked Away”
Once you asked me;
How do I feel?
I ask myself the same
And wonder what's real
I look at you
See your face
Look away
I can not place
My feelings down
I just don't know
I'm too afraid
I just can't show
What is it
That I hide inside
Do I love you?
I look, but can’t find
Trying not to get close
I screwed myself over again
I fell in love
But can only be friends
I ask you the same
You know the truth
You don’t answer
Just smile with youth
I walk away
And turn around
See your face
Can’t make a sound
You look past me
I never had hope
I walk away again
Trying to cope
You walk away too
Go our separate ways
Breaking my heart
Killing today
So envious of your love
Pain stabbing like knives
Feeling it crash down
When you walked away… I lost my life
-Jeremy Duley
March 18, 2004
overtheedgefear