My life in a nutshell... Sort of (People are so cruel...)
Or what I can remember of it.
Ok, I guess I will try to explain about myself... It'll be hard... But I will do the best I can.
First off, I would like to explain what I am talking about. My life has been full of pain, disappointments, let-downs, torment, broken promises... Whatever you can imagine. It quickly got to the point where I became suicidal (big secret there). I found ways to temporarily relieve the pain I felt, as expressed in many of my songs. I resorted to cutting myself. In my head, I tried so hard to forget the pain and suffering, forget it all... Just to numb myself... It worked, but not the way I had wanted it to. I forgot the reasons why it hurt... But it still hurt to the extremes it did before. It still hurts to this day, but... Not as much. Anyway, I did everything I could to make it go away... I even tried to kill myself... 2 times. One time, was when my girlfriend broke up with me, on October 31, 2003. We had been dating for 11 months... Anyway, I took 16 Aspirin... However, my friend at the time called me, and he knew something was up. I told him what I had done, and why. He and his mom called me, and... Basically stopped me from doing anything into the farther extremes. The other time, was a while ago, I don't remember exactly... But I tried to slit my wrists. I didn't go deep enough.
Now, you ask yourself... Why the hell am I telling you this? Is it for attention? Hell no, I could give a shit less if you paid attention to me or not... I just don't care. No, but... A lot of people have tried to pry into my heart and mind, and find out just why I felt/feel the way I do. Well, I am just trying to explain why I can't tell you. I mean, I will try my hardest to remember some of it, but... It won't do any good. For all of you who wanted to know why you didn't really want to know me... This is why. I am a depressed person, and my mood drags everyone who gets close to me down. Well, here we go...
As I comment all the time, my weight has always been a huge problem and factor as to my depression. When I was in elementary, middle school, hell... Even most of my high school "career", I was exceptionally overweight. You may not believe it, because many of you say I am skinny. However, the same people telling me this... Are probably the same fucks that have constantly tormented and tore away at my sanity for being the complete opposite of how you see me now. Believe it or not, I used to weigh 225 pounds. Yeah, that is the truth. Every single day I was picked on ruthlessly, I had things thrown at me, I've had... You name it, it's been done. I've even had some fuck throw gum in my hair; last year. Over the years, I have come to realize that... I don't want to be this "tub-of-lard" everyone likes to use as their scratching post. So, what did I do? I stopped eating. I ate nothing, except for once a week maybe a piece of fruit. I lost 60-70 pounds. Now I weigh 155-160. Huge change. Now people actually wanted me and all this... But, they just got annoying. Anyway... I was the most despised person in school before, and why? Because of my weight. Now look, those same assholes that used to fuck with me are in the same position I was only a few years ago, and now look who is the skinny one and who is the fat ass? Well, I don't like to succumb to the ignorance of the immature, so, I don't. I don't make fun of people, I don't sink to their level. I refuse to do it. I am not that way, I am a good person.
People like to fuck with your head, you notice that? Oh, that's just me? Oh... I see, now there's a reason I am so depressed. Ya know, back when I was "fatass supreme", a few girls I liked used to fuck with my head. They told someone jokingly that they liked me, and I started to believe it... Oh God was I slow... Anyway, I asked one or two out... Guess what... I was crushed. Who would have thought it? Oh yeah... I would have. Relationships haven't gone my way... Let's start this out on stage one (of remembering distance). Josie Latona (8th grade. My first kind of real girlfriend. My ex best friends friend. We talked on the phone, and she fell in love with... What was it? Oh yeah, my personality. Gee, what's new? Anyway, we dated for a month, and we finally got to see each other. Alas, guess what? She didn't like my physical appearance, she had no physical attraction to me (my pleasurable, honest personality had no relevance to the relationship now). So, she lied to me and claimed her father didn't want her dating. We broke up. Fun. It was smart, anyway. Ok, next... Hm... I think it was LaDonya Hayes or something. Anyway, she says she likes me, but the cathch is... I was a Freshman and she was... Sort of a Junior. Anyway, I eventually asked her out. She said yes (and to make it even better, I asked her out in German, and she said "yes" in French, how cute). But, to no avail... Guess what happened? During lunch, he friend comes up to me, and asks "you're going out with LaDonya, right?", and I was like "yeah, I guess". Well, she told her friend to tell me we broke up, because her friends told her I was too young for her or some shit. Whatever. She was asked out by someone else right after she said yeah to me, and told him yes. Therefor, she blew me off. Personality never wins... Screw the rest of the gfs... Until Melissa Defauw... The reason I almost died (not blaming her). We were completely in love... Everything about each other. After about 11 months, our fighting became quite consistant, and annoying. She broke up with me on Halloween. Yup, the end was near. Dammit, it didn't end... Well... Nothing more to say about that topic besides Melissa Bock and Stephanie Lidey. Ugh... Bad decisions (shut up Jeff).
Anyway... Hm... Family... Step mom, no need to explain that one. Father... Your typical asshole, never there for ya father. You know the drill. Mother, taken away from me when I was 3... My parents divorced, I was hit by my step dad, my dad took me away... The common "the not so better life" story (thankfully I live with my mom now). Enough of that...
What else... Oh, and abusive brother... He is 19 now, and I am 17. He was always stronger and loved to test the newest wrestling moves... Guess who he chose as his punching bag and choking dummy, and whatever else you wanna call it? One guess... No, not the Pope... Although that'd be nice... It was me.
Being the middle child, with an older brother and sister, and a younger sister and brother sucks.
My older sister is... Autistic, or mentally retarded for you challenged fellows out there. That's all I need to say.
Growing up without a lot of friends, and finally getting some, having them taken away from me by moving, and changing schools so many times doesn't help things. I have been to 2 Elementary Schools, 2 Middle Schools, and 2 (soon to be 3) High Schools. That's too much...
Um... What else... I don't remember... See, I told you it was pointless trying...
Anyway... Now you know a little about me... I tried, that's all I can do is put in an effort. That's all you can ask. My life in a nutshell, what is remembered. Take it as it is... It's all I have to give.
(And people wonder why I am so morbid...)
Anyway... What people have said stuck with me over the years, and I believed it... And I still do... Everything someone tells me about myself, I'll believe it (if I see that it may be true, whether it's fat, or stupid... Anything like that). That's just who I am and I can't change.
Ok, I guess I will try to explain about myself... It'll be hard... But I will do the best I can.
First off, I would like to explain what I am talking about. My life has been full of pain, disappointments, let-downs, torment, broken promises... Whatever you can imagine. It quickly got to the point where I became suicidal (big secret there). I found ways to temporarily relieve the pain I felt, as expressed in many of my songs. I resorted to cutting myself. In my head, I tried so hard to forget the pain and suffering, forget it all... Just to numb myself... It worked, but not the way I had wanted it to. I forgot the reasons why it hurt... But it still hurt to the extremes it did before. It still hurts to this day, but... Not as much. Anyway, I did everything I could to make it go away... I even tried to kill myself... 2 times. One time, was when my girlfriend broke up with me, on October 31, 2003. We had been dating for 11 months... Anyway, I took 16 Aspirin... However, my friend at the time called me, and he knew something was up. I told him what I had done, and why. He and his mom called me, and... Basically stopped me from doing anything into the farther extremes. The other time, was a while ago, I don't remember exactly... But I tried to slit my wrists. I didn't go deep enough.
Now, you ask yourself... Why the hell am I telling you this? Is it for attention? Hell no, I could give a shit less if you paid attention to me or not... I just don't care. No, but... A lot of people have tried to pry into my heart and mind, and find out just why I felt/feel the way I do. Well, I am just trying to explain why I can't tell you. I mean, I will try my hardest to remember some of it, but... It won't do any good. For all of you who wanted to know why you didn't really want to know me... This is why. I am a depressed person, and my mood drags everyone who gets close to me down. Well, here we go...
As I comment all the time, my weight has always been a huge problem and factor as to my depression. When I was in elementary, middle school, hell... Even most of my high school "career", I was exceptionally overweight. You may not believe it, because many of you say I am skinny. However, the same people telling me this... Are probably the same fucks that have constantly tormented and tore away at my sanity for being the complete opposite of how you see me now. Believe it or not, I used to weigh 225 pounds. Yeah, that is the truth. Every single day I was picked on ruthlessly, I had things thrown at me, I've had... You name it, it's been done. I've even had some fuck throw gum in my hair; last year. Over the years, I have come to realize that... I don't want to be this "tub-of-lard" everyone likes to use as their scratching post. So, what did I do? I stopped eating. I ate nothing, except for once a week maybe a piece of fruit. I lost 60-70 pounds. Now I weigh 155-160. Huge change. Now people actually wanted me and all this... But, they just got annoying. Anyway... I was the most despised person in school before, and why? Because of my weight. Now look, those same assholes that used to fuck with me are in the same position I was only a few years ago, and now look who is the skinny one and who is the fat ass? Well, I don't like to succumb to the ignorance of the immature, so, I don't. I don't make fun of people, I don't sink to their level. I refuse to do it. I am not that way, I am a good person.
People like to fuck with your head, you notice that? Oh, that's just me? Oh... I see, now there's a reason I am so depressed. Ya know, back when I was "fatass supreme", a few girls I liked used to fuck with my head. They told someone jokingly that they liked me, and I started to believe it... Oh God was I slow... Anyway, I asked one or two out... Guess what... I was crushed. Who would have thought it? Oh yeah... I would have. Relationships haven't gone my way... Let's start this out on stage one (of remembering distance). Josie Latona (8th grade. My first kind of real girlfriend. My ex best friends friend. We talked on the phone, and she fell in love with... What was it? Oh yeah, my personality. Gee, what's new? Anyway, we dated for a month, and we finally got to see each other. Alas, guess what? She didn't like my physical appearance, she had no physical attraction to me (my pleasurable, honest personality had no relevance to the relationship now). So, she lied to me and claimed her father didn't want her dating. We broke up. Fun. It was smart, anyway. Ok, next... Hm... I think it was LaDonya Hayes or something. Anyway, she says she likes me, but the cathch is... I was a Freshman and she was... Sort of a Junior. Anyway, I eventually asked her out. She said yes (and to make it even better, I asked her out in German, and she said "yes" in French, how cute). But, to no avail... Guess what happened? During lunch, he friend comes up to me, and asks "you're going out with LaDonya, right?", and I was like "yeah, I guess". Well, she told her friend to tell me we broke up, because her friends told her I was too young for her or some shit. Whatever. She was asked out by someone else right after she said yeah to me, and told him yes. Therefor, she blew me off. Personality never wins... Screw the rest of the gfs... Until Melissa Defauw... The reason I almost died (not blaming her). We were completely in love... Everything about each other. After about 11 months, our fighting became quite consistant, and annoying. She broke up with me on Halloween. Yup, the end was near. Dammit, it didn't end... Well... Nothing more to say about that topic besides Melissa Bock and Stephanie Lidey. Ugh... Bad decisions (shut up Jeff).
Anyway... Hm... Family... Step mom, no need to explain that one. Father... Your typical asshole, never there for ya father. You know the drill. Mother, taken away from me when I was 3... My parents divorced, I was hit by my step dad, my dad took me away... The common "the not so better life" story (thankfully I live with my mom now). Enough of that...
What else... Oh, and abusive brother... He is 19 now, and I am 17. He was always stronger and loved to test the newest wrestling moves... Guess who he chose as his punching bag and choking dummy, and whatever else you wanna call it? One guess... No, not the Pope... Although that'd be nice... It was me.
Being the middle child, with an older brother and sister, and a younger sister and brother sucks.
My older sister is... Autistic, or mentally retarded for you challenged fellows out there. That's all I need to say.
Growing up without a lot of friends, and finally getting some, having them taken away from me by moving, and changing schools so many times doesn't help things. I have been to 2 Elementary Schools, 2 Middle Schools, and 2 (soon to be 3) High Schools. That's too much...
Um... What else... I don't remember... See, I told you it was pointless trying...
Anyway... Now you know a little about me... I tried, that's all I can do is put in an effort. That's all you can ask. My life in a nutshell, what is remembered. Take it as it is... It's all I have to give.
(And people wonder why I am so morbid...)
Anyway... What people have said stuck with me over the years, and I believed it... And I still do... Everything someone tells me about myself, I'll believe it (if I see that it may be true, whether it's fat, or stupid... Anything like that). That's just who I am and I can't change.