today, i want to understand
Original here.
...So maybe "I love you" is not a phrase I like to throw around carelessly, but I really mean it. I'm grateful to have met such wonderful people online - I don't mean this in a sarcastic way. I really, sincerely mean it. It's easier for me to express myself through a silly journal post because I get to think about how I want to string my words together...in real life, it'd be a mess of words all jumbled together...it wouldn't be anything near a reflection of how I truly feel.
In any case, there's been a lot of wank going around lately, and yeah, I'll admit I'm a part of it. Anyone who's ever bothered to click around an anon meme is a part of it because in the end, we're adding fuel to the flames. Hatred breeds more hatred and that's really what this week has felt like to me. It's tough on everyone. I'm sure this has been addressed a lot of times in the past week or so, so I'm not going to dwell on it for long.
But I just want some peace on this website again. I want to log on and you know, update about my life, check my f-list and not get all worried sick over this new drama, or that new anon meme, or that other hate meme that's been going around. Okay. Yeah. "Ignore it!" seems to be the popular piece of advice, but it's easier said than done, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Anyone who's ever been namedropped knows it's tempting to check an anon meme, right?
So I want to put this all behind me. What's done is done. I don't want to say, "Let's just forget the past," because I know that it's better to keep these experiences in your heart in order to prevent them from happening again, but I do want to start fresh. So I'm going to try and change for the better. Start looking out for more people, and stop talking trash. Start really trying to understand people, stop putting people down. And I'll stick up for my friends no matter what, because they mean the world to me and I know they would do the same for me. For all those times they've helped me whenever I was down...this is probably the least I can do to help them out.
But before I attempt to turn over a new leaf or however the saying goes, I'd first like to offer an apology. To everyone who I might have ever talked shit about, to anyone who I've annoyed, upset, angered...I'm sorry. I don't want to say, "I didn't mean it," because that wouldn't be true; I'm sure I did mean some of the things I've said when I was angry and upset. I regret it now...but maybe now is too late? If we didn't get along in the past for some reason or another, perhaps we can at a different point in time, later on.
Maybe you don't feel like things can be patched up again - that's okay, and I perfectly understand. But...me, personally? I like giving people second chances - it's not something I feel like doing just because I'm generous and saintly enough. I know people are flawed, and I'm no exception. In the end, it's something I feel is right; something that I would be more than thankful for if someone offered me a second shot at things. So if there are still any misunderstandings between you and I, let's work them out somehow, and I hope you'll allow me another chance as well! However if you don't think that talking things out will ever result in a compromise, then by all means, please use this opportunity to remove me from your friend list.
[edit: When I say "you" I really mean anyone who's reading this oops..]
...Ugh. This post is all out of wack and going in various directions at once. I wish I could have organized this better, but that always seems to be a problem for me because even my English teachers in the past have always mentioned how I needed to work on organization when it came to writing essays and the like. Either way, I think I've said all that's been in my head (for now, anyways) and I appreciate it if you managed to read this far! I realize it's an obnoxiously long post and skimming through the jargon, I realize that it might not even make a lot of sense either...s-so make of it what you will; I just feel terrible for all that's been happening lately.
Lastly, welcome wingedcrash, darazu and gravity_xx! I'm really embarrassed that you guys have to see this as my first post on your f-list... Must be a bad first impression, huh? Normally I just update about anything exciting that happened during the day, but if you're uncomfortable for whatever reason, please feel free to remove me; no hard feelings!
Thanks again, everyone, for putting up with my foolishness. I only hope you guys will be able to continue tolerating it because I'm very grateful for your friendships.