Dear Livejournal . . .
Once again I return to the refuge that is the semi-permanent storage of my troubled thoughts. Depending on where I am in my life, I either think of this online journal as a weakness or a strength. While it allows me to express, and maybe get rid of, certain conflicting emotions that are availing me at said time, it also acts as really lame chronicle of what I think is insightful or honest or noteworthy.
At this point most, if not all, of my relevant contacts don't check this website anymore. That said, I intend to stop making these long diatribes private, as to somehow attract some kind of disaffected audience that will follow my teachings and one day commit mass suicide in the name of Jerryhood. In all seriousness I'm pretty sure I would make a good preacher. Certainly not the religious type, but more like a life coach. Accepting that I would curse quite a bit more. Lets face facts we are all fucking adults and curse words are commonplace even if we all pretend that they aren't. I just spent probably ten to fifteen minutes on a diatribe describing how Aaron should cut all fucking ties with Alyssa, all whilst being extremely humble to the fact that I have made, and might even continue to make the same mistakes he is making. Like I said to him however, I would like for my friends to call me on it and make me stop being a pussy-blind idiot.
Looking back at my most recent post I discover both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength. My ability for compassion and caring is certainly extraordinary, though it seems that it takes more and more each day to elicit the same reaction, as I am becoming deadened to it out of necessity. At the same time, I am forced to repress said feelings lest I scare away the object of my affection. It might be that I do not yet have the required skills to simultaneously display the full range of my feelings while not coming on too strong. I also get unnaturally angry at a world that makes me repress my feelings in order to get what I want. Fuck that shit.
Moving on to the subject of intoxication.
My dad could certainly be called an alcoholic at times. We certainly had some tense moments at the household. It is important to note here however, that in light of the fact that so many people I have met have gone through so much more, that I do not feel in any way slighted by my upbringing. In fact I am proud of my parents for the way they have raised me. That being said, I find myself often exploring the extent of my relationship with alcohol. I firmly believe that I am not reliant on the substance and I only drink to facilitate the lowering of my inhibitions so I will not be nervous when hitting on women. Also at certain times it is nice to just knock back a few at a family gathering or a ball game so as to enhance the experience or be able to tolerate your embarrassing relatives. Still I find myself constantly scrutinizing my consumption to make sure that I am not sliding into a dangerous area, and maybe that is the primary reason I do not consider myself anywhere near an alcoholic.
So for the first time in a long time, well a long time for me, I find myself with no girls to focus my attention on. I have not chronicled the details of all the happenings with Sam on this journal. So to inform any readers, or my future demented self, suffice it to say that things didn't work out. At the same time Carrie has a new boyfriend so I certainly can't go back to that, though after some thought it seems obvious that I would and should not anyway. So at the same time I find myself lost in the aimlessness that is my life, I also have no shoulder to cry on/girl to pine over. I don't know where I was going with this paragraph, maybe I just felt the need to pity myself for a short while.
Now that I'm done with that, on to recent events. I just dropped a class that I was failing so I'm off schedule to graduate after fall. On top of that I'm out of pre-paid credits so no more money from that. I'm up to 10 grand in student loans and I haven't been accepted to any internships because I'm a white kid with a 3.0 and no extra-curricular activities.
In conclusion of my thoughts tonight, maybe I have come to believe that the world is much different than I hoped it would be. There has been no obvious path guiding me to what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. There has been no college romance that will stay with me forever. There has been no fairness, no justice. Just cold hard truth. Everyone looks out for number one. Be it my best friend or someone I just met, at the end of the day, when everyone is intoxicated and they come down to the choice of fulfilling that need or getting your back, it all ends the same.
Well I was in the zone for a while and then my computer froze and I started getting more and more depressing. I think It's time I wrap this entry with a few lighthearted comments and a quote or three.
I have rediscovered my love of deli meats and cheeses. Especially cheeses I fucking love cheese! I could go on for pages about how goddamn awesome cheese is, but I'll spare my non-existent audience the pain and just say two words. Pepper Jack. I find myself less and less interested in video games. The reason being that I am growing older or the games are getting shitier and more repetitive I don't know, but the fact remains. I have also found the secret to not getting hangovers from drinking beer and it involves toast and not having a vagina(figuratively).
Wise men talk because they have something to say;fools, because they have to say something.
Plato
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
Jean Cocteau
At this point most, if not all, of my relevant contacts don't check this website anymore. That said, I intend to stop making these long diatribes private, as to somehow attract some kind of disaffected audience that will follow my teachings and one day commit mass suicide in the name of Jerryhood. In all seriousness I'm pretty sure I would make a good preacher. Certainly not the religious type, but more like a life coach. Accepting that I would curse quite a bit more. Lets face facts we are all fucking adults and curse words are commonplace even if we all pretend that they aren't. I just spent probably ten to fifteen minutes on a diatribe describing how Aaron should cut all fucking ties with Alyssa, all whilst being extremely humble to the fact that I have made, and might even continue to make the same mistakes he is making. Like I said to him however, I would like for my friends to call me on it and make me stop being a pussy-blind idiot.
Looking back at my most recent post I discover both my greatest weakness and my greatest strength. My ability for compassion and caring is certainly extraordinary, though it seems that it takes more and more each day to elicit the same reaction, as I am becoming deadened to it out of necessity. At the same time, I am forced to repress said feelings lest I scare away the object of my affection. It might be that I do not yet have the required skills to simultaneously display the full range of my feelings while not coming on too strong. I also get unnaturally angry at a world that makes me repress my feelings in order to get what I want. Fuck that shit.
Moving on to the subject of intoxication.
My dad could certainly be called an alcoholic at times. We certainly had some tense moments at the household. It is important to note here however, that in light of the fact that so many people I have met have gone through so much more, that I do not feel in any way slighted by my upbringing. In fact I am proud of my parents for the way they have raised me. That being said, I find myself often exploring the extent of my relationship with alcohol. I firmly believe that I am not reliant on the substance and I only drink to facilitate the lowering of my inhibitions so I will not be nervous when hitting on women. Also at certain times it is nice to just knock back a few at a family gathering or a ball game so as to enhance the experience or be able to tolerate your embarrassing relatives. Still I find myself constantly scrutinizing my consumption to make sure that I am not sliding into a dangerous area, and maybe that is the primary reason I do not consider myself anywhere near an alcoholic.
So for the first time in a long time, well a long time for me, I find myself with no girls to focus my attention on. I have not chronicled the details of all the happenings with Sam on this journal. So to inform any readers, or my future demented self, suffice it to say that things didn't work out. At the same time Carrie has a new boyfriend so I certainly can't go back to that, though after some thought it seems obvious that I would and should not anyway. So at the same time I find myself lost in the aimlessness that is my life, I also have no shoulder to cry on/girl to pine over. I don't know where I was going with this paragraph, maybe I just felt the need to pity myself for a short while.
Now that I'm done with that, on to recent events. I just dropped a class that I was failing so I'm off schedule to graduate after fall. On top of that I'm out of pre-paid credits so no more money from that. I'm up to 10 grand in student loans and I haven't been accepted to any internships because I'm a white kid with a 3.0 and no extra-curricular activities.
In conclusion of my thoughts tonight, maybe I have come to believe that the world is much different than I hoped it would be. There has been no obvious path guiding me to what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life. There has been no college romance that will stay with me forever. There has been no fairness, no justice. Just cold hard truth. Everyone looks out for number one. Be it my best friend or someone I just met, at the end of the day, when everyone is intoxicated and they come down to the choice of fulfilling that need or getting your back, it all ends the same.
Well I was in the zone for a while and then my computer froze and I started getting more and more depressing. I think It's time I wrap this entry with a few lighthearted comments and a quote or three.
I have rediscovered my love of deli meats and cheeses. Especially cheeses I fucking love cheese! I could go on for pages about how goddamn awesome cheese is, but I'll spare my non-existent audience the pain and just say two words. Pepper Jack. I find myself less and less interested in video games. The reason being that I am growing older or the games are getting shitier and more repetitive I don't know, but the fact remains. I have also found the secret to not getting hangovers from drinking beer and it involves toast and not having a vagina(figuratively).
Wise men talk because they have something to say;fools, because they have to say something.
Plato
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
Jean Cocteau